When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold
The year that I turned 19 was the darkest year of my life. Not the hardest; the darkest. I was still reeling from my breakup the previous year, and I was stuck in a deep slough of murky depression. The fog was so thick that on most days I felt like I was suffocating. Drowning, even.
When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood’s run stale
I was thrown into this mindset that all men were horrible people, and I couldn’t trust anyone in my life. I hid my depression, keeping it close to my chest. I was wary and weary as well. And fragile. I was oh, so fragile. I remember countless nights of crying quietly over one well-meant comment that tore at my heartstrings because of past hurts and memories. Everything was slowly tearing me down.
I want to hide the truth
I want to shelter you
But with the beast inside
There’s nowhere we can hide
No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come
I hid my depression for almost an entire year. But then I remember one Sunday when I was feeling especially broken and weary. My pastor greeted me, and I felt like he looked right into my soul when he asked how I was doing. “Well,” I hesitated, but suddenly I felt like I would collapse if I didn’t tell him. “I’m really struggling with depression right now.”
That’s the first time I remember telling anyone about it. I started being a little more open with my family about my struggles. It was SO hard, and I was terrified of being seen as a broken person. I was terrified of what they would think of me.
When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
I felt like there was so much going on under the surface of the mask I was wearing on a daily basis, and I willed everyone around me to understand. But after hiding something for so long, it’s difficult to shed a light on it all at once. So I kept most of my demons on a leash, waiting in the shadows until I trusted enough to let them loose.
When the curtain’s call
Is the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl
So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you made
In the late summer of my 19th year, I spent two and a half weeks in Georgia with my grandparents. My grandma had just had a pacemaker put in the week before, so my grandparents did a lot of napping and resting. Which meant that I had several hours during the day with nothing to do. I read three full novels in four days, and then I looked around helplessly for something else to do. I found the neighborhood gym and gated swimming pool, and that’s where I spent my afternoons each day. I battled my demons while doing as many pushups, squats, wall sits, planks, bridges, and shoulder stands as I could, and then I ran as fast and long as I could stand to. Then, when I was as mentally and physically exhausted as could be, I’d jump in the pool and just sit there, letting the sunlight and water minister to my soul.
Don’t want to let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don’t want to hide the truth
But the nights were still lonely. I missed the fellowship I had at home. So I spent my late nights writing and journaling. And I FaceTimed my little sister. I found myself opening up to her more and more. I told her a little bit about my demons, too.
No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come
When I finally went home I kept up with my exercising daily. I was walking several miles a day, as well as doing cardio workouts and lifting weights. I was stronger than ever before, and my mind was getting stronger, too. There were less demons lurking in the shadows of my eyes than there had been before, and I had days sprinkled throughout my months where I felt happy. Actually happy.
They were little moments. Like walking in the rain and seeing a burst of sunshine. Or cuddling my little nephews. Or talking to a friend. They were little moments, but they were big to me.
When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
But I still wasn’t completely open with how much I was still hurting. How much I was still struggling. Still broken.
It is my firm belief that I myself didn’t even understand how broken I was. I was in denial.
They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go
Your eyes, they shine so bright
I want to save their light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how
But I was better, and I think that is what mattered most. My faith was stronger, I had a deeper love for my family, and I was slowly starting to trust again.
When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
So although I was still depressed, I was growing. And my 19th year ended on that high note.
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

Part Seven: If...