I: Steady
you're the strong one
the confidant, clear-headed one
always
so watching you doubt
hurts me more than you know
you've always been steady
for me
so now I'll be steady
for you

II: undone
I can't forget you
now
but I will someday, I know
I can ignore you;
I no longer suffocate
when you're near,
and yet
I'll never be able to undo you
undo the things I learned from you
things about me, about life, about boys,
undo the time I spent thinking about you
uncertain heartbroken time; rapturous giddy time
I can't undo the way I grew
I can't ever undo you
and really,
I don't want to.

III: learning
baby breath upon my cheek
toothless smile meant for me
practically perfect little people
don't know anything yet
teaching me to live

IV: The List
I have a list
inside my head
of what he ought to be
and yet I know
somewhere inside
that only some are non-negotiable
and the others won't matter
when I meet the one for me

V: your place
the place we've left
is still too raw
to look back on
the place you occupied
is fading, greying out
hazing out
until there's nothing left
no longer present
our friendship died in the past
lives in the past
I cried in the past
lied in the past
pretended it wasn't ending
and now it's over
and done
and your place in my heart
is shrinking

VI: Wondering
I can't help but wonder
what I mean to you
how far you would go to meet me
how hard you would search to find me
how deep you would sink to pull me out
how long you would remember me
how much of yourself
you would give to me

VII: my gift
when I let you in
please don't take it for granted
sometimes these words
cost me more than you know
these pieces of me
are my gift to you
they make me vulnerable, public
open to speculation and shame
and so this trust that I give
is my 'I love you'
don't take it for granted
my gift to you

VIII: Best
I know I'm not the best
at anything so far
and some days I want to give up;
but I can't get better if I don't even try.
only one person can ever be best
and you don't have to be perfect to find you've been blessed
so I'll try to set
my priorities straight
and learn to bend
before I break
these things I require
of myself cannot be
fulfilled just the same
I'll embrace imperfection
and find contentment
in doing my best.

IX: Happy for You
I'm happy for you,
really I am,
it's just that when I hear
about your wonderful life
it makes mine feel
inadequate

X: teardrops
teardrops mark my face
like raindrops mark the pavement
glistening trails that burn
gliding across frozen skin
purging myself of you
and of what might have been

XI: crumpled heart
crumpled heart
rolled into a ball
folding in on myself
lacking the will to straighten out
easily I collapse
falling into empty space
drowning in regret

XII: because of you
living inhibition
creating ever-more regrets
not daring to trust
myself
trust in myself
but lately you've been telling me
how wrong I am
to discount myself this way
you've been there
through these storms
standing strong
against my disparaging comments
and constantly refuting them
and slowly
so slowly
I'm becoming more confident
less self-consious
less inhibited
because of you