Planet Wars
Episode IV: An Old Hope


(Voice) It is a time of great turmoil for the galaxy once again. The Director, incensed at the way people are changing the script, has conquered the galaxy, planning to make everything “right” again. The Heroes have gone into hiding, secretly directing a rebellion against the Director...




Act 1, Scene 1. The Tiny Menace.

(A large ship comes into view overhead. It appears to be heading toward a planet. Behind the ship comes a little fighter, blazing away with its guns. On the bridge of the big ship, OBI-WAN is taking a nap. Alarms blare. OBI-WAN is still sleeping. Assorted soldiers run around in the ship.)

EXECUTIVE OFFICER (panicked): Prepare to receive boarders!
SHIP’S CAPTAIN: Negative! Run for the escape pods!
(Everyone charges away. OBI-WAN is still asleep in the bridge. Escape pods eject from the ship, heading for the planet. The fighter attaches itself to the big ship. A few minutes later, the three MINIONS drop out of the ceiling into the big ship.)
MINION A: We’d better hurry.
MINION X (nervously): So where’s the receiving party?
MINION SEVEN: Who cares? Let’s just hurry and get General Grievous out.
MINION A: I can’t believe the Heroes actually just dumped him in this ship. The nerve!
MINION X: I can’t believe they aren’t waiting for us. We didn’t exactly make a quiet entrance.
MINION SEVEN: I can’t believe they didn’t take him out of that hole to get him here. They just cut it out and stuffed it on board.
(The MINIONS continue down the hallway. They make several turns.)
MINION X: So why’s this Episode called “An Old Hope,” anyway?
GENERAL GRIEVOUS (from up ahead, sounding cranky): Because it’s an old hope that someone’s going to get me out of here!
(The MINIONS stand still and then run forward. GENERAL GRIEVOUS’ hole is in front of them. The MINIONS pull out a fishing line and stick it in.)
MINION A: Here you go, General! Just grab on and we’ll pull you up.
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: High time, too. Where have you been, anyway? Lounging around while I slowly rusted away, no doubt.
(The MINIONS pull GENERAL GRIEVOUS out.)
MINION SEVEN: So, uh, which way to the fighter?
(The other two MINIONS look at each other and then point in opposite directions.)
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: Idiots! Do you mean to tell me you’re lost?
MINION X: I have an idea. Let’s just go take this ship over.
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: Who gave you permission to think? Now follow me! We’re going to take over this ship.
MINION A: Ah, General, I hate to mention this, but you still don’t have legs. How are we supposed to follow you if you can’t walk?
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: That’s why I’m a general and you’re just a minion. Two of you carry me, and we’ll take over the ship.
(MINION X and MINION SEVEN pick up GENERAL GRIEVOUS. They march down the hall.)

(On the bridge, OBI-WAN wakes up.)
OBI-WAN: Where’d everyone go?
(Gets up and wanders around. He finds the place where the MINIONS dropped from their fighter.)
OBI-WAN: Huh. I wonder what this is about.
(Force-jumps up into the fighter and seals the hole behind him.)
OBI-WAN: I was planning on getting away from this ship, anyway.
(Blasts away from the ship and heads toward the planet.)

(GENERAL GRIEVOUS and the MINIONS reach the bridge.)
MINION SEVEN (nervously): I wonder where they all went?
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: Who cares? Commandeer the ship and take it to the planet! I’ll get a new pair of legs if it’s the last thing I do!

Act 1, Scene 2. Attack of the Director.

(The DIRECTOR is pacing back and forth.)
THE DIRECTOR (muttering): I must crush the Rebellion. I must make things happen according to the script! The insolence of it all! Changing my beautiful movie! (Sniffs.) And I was going to make so much money off of it, too.
(The DIRECTOR sits down and starts to cry.)
THE DIRECTOR (sobbing): Millions of dollars, gone! I would have been rich beyond belief! Rich! The world would have been mine! And all of it, gone, because those impudent Heroes wouldn’t follow the script! They’ve robbed me, I tell you, robbed me!
(JOE SCHMOE THE POLICEMAN pops up.)
JOE SCHMOE THE POLICEMAN: Did you say you’ve been robbed? Who, when, and where?
THE DIRECTOR (stops crying): Who are you, and what are you doing in my private chambers?!
JOE SCHMOE THE POLICEMAN: I’m Joe Schmoe the Policeman, and I’m here because you said you’d been robbed.
THE DIRECTOR (crying again): Yes! I would have made millions! Billions! But those Heroes! They didn’t do what I told them to do, and now I’m ruined! They robbed me of the fortune that was rightfully mine!
JOE SCHMOE THE POLICEMAN (sounding disappointed): So no one actually robbed you? You just didn’t make the money you wanted to?
THE DIRECTOR: They robbed me! I would have had a fortune...(Sobs louder.)
JOE SCHMOE THE POLICEMAN: If they didn’t actually take your money that was in your possession, I can’t do anything. Oh, well. (Turns to walk away.)
THE DIRECTOR: Arrest them! I order you to arrest them!
JOE SCHMOE THE POLICEMAN (stiffly): No one orders me about.
(THE DIRECTOR pulls out a gun and shoots at JOE SCHMOE THE POLICEMAN.)
JOE SCHMOE THE POLICEMAN: You’re under arrest!
THE DIRECTOR: What?! You can’t arrest me!
JOE SCHMOE THE POLICEMAN: I most certainly can! You are under arrest for discharging a firearm in the city limits. If you don’t come with me, I’ll charge you with resisting arrest, as well.
THE DIRECTOR: Hah! Droid Vader! Come here!
(DROID VADER enters the room. It has a droid’s body, a helmet like DARTH VADER’S, and a red lightsaber.)
DROID VADER: Yes, my Master?
THE DIRECTOR: Lock this impertinent creature up in the dungeon! Then come back here!
(DROID VADER grabs JOE SCHMOE THE POLICEMAN and takes him away. The DIRECTOR cackles evilly to himself. DROID VADER returns.)
DROID VADER: What now, my Master?
THE DIRECTOR: Hunt down those so-called Heroes! It’s time they knew who truly is the Master here. Mwahahahahaha! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Act 1, Scene 3.

(Inside a dark tavern, two of the Heroes sit at one table.)
VALOR: Well, this has been an interesting experience.
THE WALKER: You mean running away from the law? Staying in poor-quality places and drinking low-quality junk?
(FALCON comes up to the table and sets down a mug.)
FALCON: Speaking of low-quality… (takes a sip.)
VALOR: I don’t know how you can even stand the smell…Anyway, that did sum it up pretty well. You forgot to mention the high-speed chases through city streets, though.
(The doors smash open, and stormtroopers (or whatever) charge in.)
STORMTROOPER 1: ID check starting right now! Any citizens caught without ID or attempting to sneak out will be taken prisoner!
FALCON (indignantly): Since when did this part of town rate identification checks?
THE WALKER: Since we arrived, most likely. (Sighs and pulls out a blaster) That’s the way things usually go…
(The other Heroes pull out blasters as well.)
VALOR: I was wanting a party, anyway.
(A stormtrooper approaches their table.)
STORMTROOPER 2: I want to see your identification!
(Heroes look at each other, and then point their guns at the stormtrooper.)
FALCON: This is our identification.
(Everyone starts shooting. Someone shoots the lights, and the place becomes completely black. Cut to outside the building. VALOR, THE WALKER, and FALCON come running out and jump on a landspeeder (or other means of transportation).)
THE WALKER: Hang on tight!
(The landspeeder goes shooting off. A bit later, stormtroopers come out of the same door and give chase on some vehicle.)
VALOR: Like I said. High-speed chases through city streets. No trip to any planet is complete without one.
FALCON: Same with secret rendezvous. Speaking of which, where are we supposed to be meeting Obi-Wan?
THE WALKER: If I told you, it wouldn’t be secret anymore, now would it? Don’t worry; I know exactly how to get there. Everything will be fine.
(Their vehicle comes to an abrupt stop.)
FALCON: This is fine?
THE WALKER: Uh…not really. RUN!
(The Heroes charge down an alley. The stormtroopers’ vehicle gets jammed in the same alley.)
STORMTROOPER 1: Halt or we fire!
VALOR: We heard that from the stormtroopers on the last planet. Don’t you think they could get more creative?
(The stormtroopers fire. The Heroes dive down another alley.)
FALCON: At least they give us warning. That’s courteous of them.
VALOR: Maybe, but this is getting annoying. Who else has to hide vehicles in every city he stays in?
(Heroes climb into another landspeeder and speed off as the stormtroopers run around the corner, shooting at them.)

(OBI-WAN lands the fighter on the planet. He starts walking in the direction of the city. On his way he comes across LUKE SKYWALKER.)
OBI-WAN: Oh, good. I was hoping I’d meet you here.
LUKE: Um…who are you?
OBI-WAN: I’m Obi-Wan Kenobi. I know your father.
LUKE: You do? Really? I don’t even know him.
OBI-WAN: It’s for your own safety. The Director wants to kill your father.
LUKE (awed voice): Really? Why?
OBI-WAN: Luke, do you know why the Director took control of everything?
LUKE: Wasn’t it because people weren’t following the script?
OBI-WAN: That’s right. You see, your father was one of the people who didn’t follow the script. He was supposed to become a terrible, evil person who strikes fear into the hearts of all. However, he refused to turn evil.
LUKE: Wow…what happened then?
OBI-WAN: He fell in love, married, and had ch—a child. Then the Director started sending him death threats, and he knew he had to hide. So he sent you here, to keep you safe.
LUKE: That’s amazing. (sighs) How do you know my father?
OBI-WAN: I was his teacher and his friend.
LUKE: Then…you must be one of the Heroes! So, why did you decide to not follow the script?
OBI-WAN: It was a really cheesy script, that’s why.
LUKE (thinks for a moment): You mean this isn’t?
OBI-WAN (after a long pause): How’d you like to meet some of the other Heroes?
LUKE: Could I? Are they here?
OBI-WAN: Certainly! Just follow me. I have a meeting with three of them in a few minutes.
(LUKE and OBI-WAN walk into the city and enter a nearby building. VALOR, FALCON, and THE WALKER are sitting inside.)
VALOR: Obi-Wan! We were starting to wonder if you’d run into some trouble.
FALCON: Yeah, you’re a whole minute late!
OBI-WAN: I’d like you all to meet Luke Skywalker. Luke, this is Valor, Falcon, and The Walker.
THE HEROES: Hi!
LUKE: Hi. I’m honored to meet all of you.
THE WALKER: Now that we’re all here, what’s this meeting about, Obi-Wan?
OBI-WAN: The Director’s built a super-space station.
FALCON (hopefully): And we’re going to capture it?
OBI-WAN: It’s a bit too big and well-defended for that. No, we’re going to destroy it.
VALOR: Wait a moment. Wasn’t there something like this in the script? I thought we weren’t going to follow that any more.
OBI-WAN (sadly): Yes, but if we don’t destroy it, the Director will use it to kill millions of people. We’re still Heroes; the job description requires us to destroy the station.
FALCON: Aww, that stinks. Oh well. At least it’ll make a big explosion.
THE WALKER: Okay, I’m in. How do we go about blowing it up?
OBI-WAN: Well, it’s supposed to be nearly invincible. I guess there’s a small hole you can shoot down that will blow it up, though.
LUKE: Why haven’t they bothered to cover it up?
VALOR: The Director’s being a classic villain. It decays the brain.
LUKE: Oh, okay. That makes sense. (hesitates) Can I help you blow up the station?
(The Heroes all look at him.)
THE WALKER: Why not? The more, the merrier!
OBI-WAN: All right. Welcome to the Heroes, Luke!

Act 2, Scene 1.

(Walking through the city.)

OBI-WAN: We need a ship. Mine is too small for all of us.
FALCON: Weren’t you going to be arriving in some big ship?
OBI-WAN: The crew vanished while I was sl—meditating. I went looking around when I realized they were gone, and found a fighter attached to the hull. So I used that to get on-planet. I suppose if we needed to we could cram all of us inside, but I’d rather not.
VALOR: Maybe we can hire someone to take us to...where are we going, anyway?
OBI-WAN: Yavin 2576. Here, let’s see if this cantina has a pilot who’d be willing to take us there.
THE WALKER: Wait...didn’t the script have you getting a pilot in a cantina?
(The HEROES look at each other.)
OBI-WAN: Let’s go check the spaceport.
(The HEROES go past the cantina and head to the spaceport.)
LUKE: What if you can’t find a pilot?
OBI-WAN: We’ll figure something out.
THE WALKER: Yeah, maybe we can steal a ship!
FALCON: Yeah!
VALOR: Why am I not surprised that that appeals to you?
FALCON: Come on, Valor, you know you want to steal a ship too!
VALOR: Well…all right, all right. It could be fun.
THE WALKER: Could be? You know it will be!
LUKE: But you’re Heroes. I thought Heroes were law-abiding.
FALCON: Well. Right now, being a Hero is against the law. So it’s a little hard to be both law-abiding and a Hero.
OBI-WAN: He does have a point, though. If we, the Heroes, start robbing and stealing like common law-breakers, we will have tarnished our good names.
THE WALKER: We have good names?
FALCON: Well, Anakin got stuck with a lousy nickname, but most of us are reasonably well off in terms of names.
OBI-WAN: I wasn’t talking about that sort of name. The thing is, we have the honor of the Heroes to uphold. The laws of fiction require us to behave in an honorable and good manner, except when it comes to rebelling against the current government. There are occasional exceptions, but none apply to us.
VALOR: Can we steal from the Director’s men? That’s a part of rebelling, isn’t it?
FALCON and THE WALKER: Yeah!
OBI-WAN: I think so. So if we find one of the Director’s military ships, we can borrow it.
FALCON (sounding disappointed): Only borrow it?
(They enter the spaceport.)
OBI-WAN (firmly): Only borrow. If we crash it, that’s okay, too, though.
THE WALKER: I call pilot!
FALCON: Go right ahead. There’s not a single military ship in here to steal.
THE WALKER: Aww, rats…
VALOR: Should we split up and try to find a pilot willing to take all of us, or go as a group?
OBI-WAN: Let’s stick together. People have already seen us walk in as a group; we might as well stay together.
(They walk further in. HAN SOLO approaches them.)
HAN: I hear you’re looking for a pilot.
OBI-WAN: We are. The five of us need fast transport to Yavin 2576.
HAN: Fast is easy, but it will cost you money.
OBI-WAN: That is usually the case. How fast, and how much?
HAN: One week and twenty-thousand.
LUKE: Twenty-thousand? That’s enough to buy a custom-fitted ship!
HAN: So? No ship is faster than the Millennium Falcon. If you’re really in a hurry…
FALCON (whispering): I vote we hire him.
THE WALKER (whispering back): I’d rather we bought a ship and I flew it.
LUKE: I bet we could get a ship by ourselves that could get us to Yavin in a week! We could pilot it, too!
OBI-WAN: Hmm. Would you want all the money now, or split up?
HAN: Either way, as long as I get it.
OBI-WAN: We’ll give you ten now, and ten later.
HAN: Deal. The Falcon’s in Bay 94; I’ll go get it ready. When you arrive, we can leave.
(HAN walks off.)
LUKE: Obi-Wan, we could have just gotten our own ship. Why did you hire him for such a high price?
OBI-WAN: If we bought a ship, we’d have to register it. Using our names will set off alarms all over the galaxy.
LUKE: Oh. Couldn’t you use fake names, though?
FALCON: No. Even on a planet like this they check to see if you’re lying about your name.
THE WALKER: It’s a real pain, but at least on planets like this they only do that with major things like registering starships, buying or renting vehicles and houses, renting rooms, visiting the doctor…(continues listing off things, including buying food?)
LUKE: What do they do everywhere else, then, if they check for so many things here?
VALOR: Oh, everywhere else they just check because they feel like it. You could be walking along the street, and an officer of some sort just walks up and demands your personal information and then checks it then and there.
LUKE: …whoa.
FALCON: That’s the way things work. It makes it hard to be in hiding. (sighs) It’s a crying shame.
LUKE: Is there any hope for change?
OBI-WAN: There’s an old hope that hasn’t yet failed.
LUKE (eagerly): What?
OBI-WAN: The laws of fiction ordain that Heroes win. We’re still Heroes; therefore we will win.
THE WALKER: Eventually.
VALOR: Someday.
FALCON: Maybe when the world ends.
LUKE: Oh.
OBI-WAN: Come on. We need to get to Yavin 2576.
LUKE: Why exactly are we going there?
OBI-WAN: Oh, because that’s where the super-space station is headed.
THE WALKER: Wait, don’t we need some time to figure out its weaknesses?
OBI-WAN: No. We’re Heroes. It’ll work out. Besides, the trip will take some time, and we can figure out a battle plan then.

Act 2, Scene 2

(The Heroes are sitting together in the Millennium Falcon.)

LUKE: So, we land at the planet, bop into fighters, and blow this station up?
OBI-WAN: Basically. There may be a few problems, but like I said, we’re Heroes. It always works out. We may have setbacks, but we’re never truly defeated.
LUKE: How exactly do you become a Hero? Do you have to do something amazing and heroic?
THE WALKER: No, you just have to be a good guy and one of the main characters. Bad guy main characters are villains; good guy main characters are Heroes.
LUKE: That’s…all?
FALCON: Yup. It’s that simple.
HAN’S VOICE: Hey, get ready back there! We’re coming out of hyperspace!
(The Heroes hurry forward and crowd into the cockpit. If there are too many of them to fit, Valor, The Walker, and Falcon will stay out. The Millennium Falcon drops out of hyperspace.)
OBI-WAN: Good, it appears that the space station isn’t here yet.
(The Death Star comes out of hyperspace.)
FALCON: You were saying?
OBI-WAN: Hurry to the planet! We can’t destroy the station in this!
(The Millennium Falcon speeds away toward the planet. They land. ALEXANDRA, ASTELLA, and FERDINAND rush out.)
FERDINAND: We’ve got trouble, Obi-Wan.
OBI-WAN: Which sort? We already know about the space station.
ASTELLA: A different sort. It seems that even though we didn’t bother stealing the plans to the space station and transmitting them to someone, the Director had Princess Leia captured anyway. She’s on the station.
OBI-WAN: That is trouble.
FALCON: Nothing we can’t handle, though. We just have to go in there, get her out, and then blow up the station.
ALEXANDRA: All of that in less than an hour, too.
THE WALKER: No, it doesn’t matter if the planet blows up. We’ll all be in ships. So we have all the time in the world! (thinks briefly) Universe.
OBI-WAN: Well, whatever we do, we’d better do it fast! (thinks) Half of us will go rescue her, and half of us will stay out in ships ready to blow up the station once the rescue party has left it.
VALOR: I know an easy way to split it up. Girls go rescue, guys go blow up.
FALCON: Deal!
OBI-WAN: I think I’ll come along with the rescue party, if you don’t mind. That will even the numbers up.
HAN: Well, whatever you’re doing, you can count me out. I was just paid to fly you out here.
OBI-WAN: That’s fine. You might find yourself in trouble anyway, though. The Director isn’t rational about that sort of thing.
HAN: …why didn’t you mention this earlier?
LUKE: You volunteered to fly us.
THE WALKER: And you didn’t ask.
HAN: I think I’ll take my chances. I’ve got an employer to pay off. (He walks off)
OBI-WAN: Now why do I think he’ll have some trouble doing that?
ALEXANDRA: He can’t really think the Director’s going to let him off like that. He’s a part of the old script!
ASTELLA: He’ll figure it out once he gets frozen in carbonite, probably. Come on! We’ve got work to do!
(The Heroes rush off to their ships.)

Act 2, Scene 3

(The girls and OBI-WAN are in a small ship.)

OBI-WAN: The good news is, with the others in fighters hanging around the Death Star, the place will probably be so busy no one will really notice us.
VALOR: That might be easier if your lightsaber wasn’t so obvious.
OBI-WAN (muttering): I like having it on, though. (He turns off his lightsaber) Now can we get down to business?
ASTELLA: We have to reach the Death Star, first. Are they going to just let us fly in there?
ALEXANDRA: Why not? We had to get on there in the script.
OBI-WAN: No, you were all supposed to be dead. I don’t know if that’s changed anything.
VALOR: Well, at least you were supposed to get on it, so I think we’ll be fine. We’re close enough they could start shooting at us if they wanted to.
(The ship flies into one of the Death Star’s docking bays. The four Heroes get out.)
OBI-WAN: First we need to find a computer so we can get the information on where Princess Leia is. Somewhere in the detention center isn’t enough.
ASTELLA: You can’t just use the Force to find her?
OBI-WAN: It doesn’t…that’s a really good idea. (Stops and stands still for a while.) This way.
(They enter an elevator. OBI-WAN pushes the button to make it go down.)
ALEXANDRA: You told Luke that he can use the Force yet?
VALOR: It took us a week to get here. Other than the minimal battle plans we came up with, the Force was about all we talked about. Well, Obi-Wan talked about. The rest of us just listened.
(The elevator reaches the bottom. The Heroes step out.)
GUARD: Hey! Who are you and what are you doing here?
OBI-WAN (does a little hand-wave): We’re here to rescue a prisoner.
GUARD: Oh. Okay. Go right ahead.
OBI-WAN: Thank you.
(The Heroes walk past the guard and to PRINCESS LEIA’S cell. OBI-WAN opens the door.)
LEIA: Obi-Wan!
OBI-WAN: Ready to get out of here?
LEIA: Past ready! Let’s go!
(The Heroes walk out of the detention area and get into the elevator. The door closes.)
GUARD: Hey, wait a moment! (slaps button and alarms go off)

(Out in space, LUKE, FALCON, FERDINAND, and THE WALKER are flying in circles around the Death Star.)

LUKE: So where’s this hole Obi-Wan mentioned?
FALCON: I don’t know. I haven’t seen it yet.
THE WALKER: We’ll find it when we need it. It’s the way things go. There will be just seconds before it blows up the planet, and then wham! You’ll find the hole and blow it up.
LUKE: That sounds like a waste of time. It’d be faster if we just found the hole now.
FERDINAND: It’s called tension. There has to be maximum tension before you can do something amazing like blowing up a space station by firing a missile down a hole.
LUKE: It still sounds like a waste.
(Fighters pour out of the docking bays of the Death Star.)
THE WALKER: Yes! Action!
(The four Heroes swing their fighters around and charge at their opponents.)

(Back in the Death Star, the Heroes there have gotten off the elevator and are heading back to their ship. DROID VADER steps out in front of them.)
DROID VADER: So we meet again—
OBI-WAN: I’ve never seen you before. You’re just an imitation, and a very poor one at that.
DROID VADER: That’s not the way the script goes!
(LEIA shoots DROID VADER.)
LEIA: Oops, that wasn’t in the script either. Oh well.
OBI-WAN: I was looking forward to beating him up…
LEIA: You can have him next time.
(They walk past DROID VADER, who struggles to his feet and staggers off toward the fighter bays.)
DROID VADER: Must…follow…script.
(The Heroes get into their ship and take off.)

(Outside the Death Star, the battle rages on.)
LUKE: Hey, there’s their ship! We can blow the station up now!
FERDINAND: Yeah, but we won’t find the hole until seconds before the station blows up the planet.
LUKE: Don’t be so pessimistic.
FALCON: It’s not pessimism, it’s experience.
(A fighter comes flying out of one of the bays, bangs into another TIE, spins around, hits the Death Star, bounces off, and goes careening into deep space.)
THE WALKER: I wonder who that was?
(DROID VADER is shown spinning around in his TIE.)
DROID VADER: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
OBI-WAN: They’ll be blowing up the planet in a minute!
LUKE: So, now can we find the hole?
FALCON: Probably.
LUKE: I still don’t…hey, there it is! And there’s a giant red button next to it! A button that says “Do Not Push”!
FERDINAND: Well, fire a missile down the hole! None of the rest of us will be able to hit a target that small.
LUKE (sheepishly): Um, I’m out of missiles.
OBI-WAN: Use the Force, Luke!
LUKE: All right, but how? No, wait, I know! (uses the Force on the giant red button)
(The Death Star’s hole starts to grow as the station pulls away from it, revealing a giant red target.)
LUKE: Can you hit that?
FALCON: Just watch us!
(Missiles from FALCON, FERDINAND, and THE WALKER go flying at the target and hit it dead center. The Death Star blows up.)
LUKE: Who puts giant targets inside their space stations with giant buttons to reveal them?
EVERYONE ELSE: The Director.
LUKE: You know, I don’t think this is going to be hard after all.

The End