Bella took a deep breath and inhaled the familiar scent of home. The funeral was over, and she couldn’t be happier. In the foyer, she kicked off her black pumps and shook her left foot. She knew a blister was coming. Behind her, Anne, who was holding baby Edward, Helena, Darcy and her other siblings, Josie, Jake, Lizzy, Haley, Kevin, Sadie and Charlie came in. At the end of the line, Ben shuffled in. Bella noticed that he had dark circles under his eyes and looked tired. She realized how hard it must be to take care of eleven kids and one sister-in-law. Bella made a mental note to try and help him more often.
Bella sighed and dragged herself up the stairs to the room that she Anne and Josie shared. As she pushed open the door, the first thing she noticed was the color of the walls. All four walls were painted a sickening pepto-bismol pink color. Bella smiled as she remembered how she had begged for her room to be painted pink for her seventh birthday. Ben kept refusing, but finally Kristin talked him into it. Kristin, Haley, who was two months old at the time, and Bella had taken a trip to Home Depot and Kristin let Bella pick the color. She picked the pepto-bismol color. Josie and Anne hated the color and were always bugging Bella to repaint it. Bella was planning on it, but now that her mom was gone, she felt like she should leave the paint up. She had great memories of her and Kristin spending two days painting the room and getting paint on her favorite dress.
Bella took a look around her room. There was a bunk bed and a regular bed. Anne got the regular bed, because she didn’t want to sleep on a bunk bed, Josie had the top bunk and Bella had the top. Bella walked over to the bottom bunk and lay down. She stared at the bottom of the top bunk and began to think. After a few seconds, she reached under her pillow and pulled out her journal. Ever since she was little, Bella loved writing. Before she knew it, she was writing down everything that happened.
Bella’s journaling was interrupted when Anne barged into the room, face red and eyes looking like they were ready to kill.
“BELLA! What do you think that you were doing at Mom’s funeral? You embarrassed me! Mom always tells you…”
“Told.” Bella interrupted, looking up into Anne’s eyes.
“What?” Anne spat,
“Told. Mom always told me.”
Anne’s face fell. For a minute she looked like a normal little sister looked when they had hurt their big sister. Hurt because they had hurt her.
“I’m sorry Bells.” Anne sighed, “I know you feel like it’s your fault. But it really isn’t!”
“I Know.” Bella answered as she bent her head to start journaling again, “Darce keeps telling me that.”
“Aw, come on Bells. You always believe Darcy! And now when he’s telling the most truthful truth, you don’t believe him!”
Bella ignored her and went back to her writing.
Lizzy is trying to convince me it’s not my fault. She wrote, But I know it is. Everyone is trying to convince me it’s not my fault, but it is. I know it is.
Anne moaned.
“Bells, come on! Ask, Dad! He’ll say it’s not your fault!”
Bella sighed and slammed her journal shut.
“Well, if it’s not my fault than who’s is it?”
“It wasn’t anyone’s fault, Bell. It was a freak accident.”
Bella cocked her head and looked at Anne.
“Anne, please. I know it’s my fault. You know it’s my fault. Dad and Darcy both know it’s my fault. Please don’t lie to me or yourself anymore. You’re just wasting your breath.”
On Anne’s face, a look of pure hurt and sadness passed over.
“Fine.” Anne said, “I know you think that way. I just don’t want you to. I love you and am worried about you Bells.”
“Don’t be!” Bella snapped as she sat up, “Everything’s fine Anne!”
Anne turned around and started to walk out the door, “I miss the person you used to be, Anne.”
After Anne had left, Bella sighed and lay on her back again.
“The person I used to be is gone. She’s never coming back.” Bella whispered as a tear fell down her face.