I feel so conflicted
And yet so in love
But am I just afflicted
When push comes to shove
I can't say it out loud
I can't speak what I mean
Maybe I'm too proud
To ever come clean
I don't want to hurt
Either myself or you
You wouldn't be the first
That I've shown my colors to
But will you be the last
And perhaps be the one
To acknowledge my past
And show me how it's done
Can I forgive myself
For the hurt I will cause
Or will I keep running
While you try to cut your loss

I stepped outside,
Felt the slap of winter’s
Icy breath
And stood beneath
The rain-soaked pines

Drops dripped

I looked up, fists clenched
And felt a wet ceiling above
A great ice wall betwixt me
And the sky
Unleashing and spitting upon me

Drops dripped

The Lord had taken my joy
I said
Had swept my feet from under
Like a scythe at harvest
My precious things in their
Full bloom,
Their life and blood on the earth

Drops dripped

It’s the moments when
Pain settles in my spine
And hovers around my cerebral
Cortex
Causing my intestines
To shake
That I realize
How weak I truly am
I’m letting down my teenage dreams
Of me
I’m not Wonder Woman
I can only sit still
While shaking
But maybe strength
Is more than being able to run
Or to fight
Maybe strength is resignation
To the inevitable
Saying
“I can’t walk today”
And being okay with that
Maybe strength is
Finding things to be

The music sings
Tugs at my heart
If I don't dare to join
It'll tear me apart
To express oneself is freedom
Though it may come of pain
And the shelter that music provides
Is like an umbrella in the rain

The tears kept falling
I dashed them away
Angry at how fragile I’d become
But the anger only made the
Tears fall
Thicker
Adding to the overwhelming sense of
Feeling every emotion
So strongly
It started with sympathy for
A Hollywood actor
Making pain feel tangible for a moment
While creasing over on-screen
His face a tangle of fear and
Heartbreak
“Okay?”
“Okay.”
But the truth is that I’m not
Okay
I’m broken because
A song about seeing the stars
Over Amsterdam

What is this ugly world
That everyone inside
Feels the brokenness
Of every single tear that's ever cried?

With every salty pool
That overflows its bounds,
Rivers of despair
Flow down the bed that of all sorrow sounds.

The only steady ground
Is the Holy Word.
Nothing makes sense
Unless the voice of God himself is heard.

If you will only heed
The Spirit's living fire,
Sobs of joyful hope
Will be the song we sing with heaven's choir.

Be it friend or foe,
Silence shall bring woe;
For within, it carries
The deadly poison of regret.
It may be regret from your past mistakes,
Or just longing regret for
Not speaking up.

Silence is a wall,
And though it may seem small,
The deepest of darknesses,
And the saddest,
Silence is.

I feel like I’m missing out
On a lot of things
I missed church
One week
I missed two fun outings
I didn’t get to see my
Friend
So I planned this day ahead
One friend can’t make it
The other two may
Be busy as
Well

So I wonder
Am I going to keep missing out
On life?
My social life is slowly
Deteriorating
Before my eyes
My health forces me to
Cancel
Postpone
Or show up and
Sit miserably
In the
Corner
Wishing away a
Migraine

Fog surrounds me
It’s so thick that I
Choke
I
Trip
I get tired of being unable to see
The path winds on before me
I squint, trying to peer through the haze
My crutches drag the dirt
Beside me
While I walk alone
I’m searching for
Peace
I’m searching for
Ease
But I’ve been walking for miles
Treading rough ground
Breaking my bones
And
Breaking my heart
And
Breaking my pride
While I
Realize that rest may never come
Never or

Prologue
Regina sat on the couch as she watched her young daughter play dolls on the floor. As she watched, she drifted off into a dream. Oh it was a wonderful dream indeed. It was all she could have wished for in that moment: Killian was by her side and Christy was on her lap. Regina turned her head and stared at Killian just as he was staring at her. He took her hand into his and lead forward to kiss her on her cheek. She closed her eyes as she embraced this truly wonderful moment. Regina was snapped back into reality when Christy called her name. “Mommy?”