Dear Future Husband,

Yes, I know you know me, and I know you. With letters like this, usually they're written to an idea of a man. But you're here, you're real, and you're already all mine.

Red lollipops
Old paper
He gave me rootbeer floats
thick with
foaming vanilla
and a plastic straw
Or if my stomach was sick,
hot water with lemon and
pips and seeds and too much
honey
Or chalky Tums
and cartoons.
(The walls were greasy
with cigarette smoke
choked and yellow)
Then at eight or nine -
it felt so late -
my mother would swing through
the black starry void
with a back door screech
and a smile
for being so long away

December 29. Two days away from the Soiree. I went for a walk before going to the café in the morning. I was praying, mostly, although it didn’t feel like what I had imagined prayer was. It felt more like sharing what was on my heart with the God of the universe. Which was a little bit scary, very comforting, and immensely mind-blowing all at the same time. I was nervous. Nervous I’d let Clara down in the concert. Even more, nervous I wouldn’t be able to win her confidence – and her heart. I was relieved and overjoyed that Emily had called her parents.

The kingdom where I've come
Is under fire
The place where I've been planted
Is in a war

So, Lord, please

Stretch me over this kingdom
When rain drops fall
Bend me into a solid wall
Too tall to climb

Thicken my skin to bare
Each arrow
Strengthen my walk so
I may lead

When it feels I'm called to Ninevah
Lord, keep my gaze upon the innocents

Keep whispering in my
Upturned, waiting ear
"Thou art come to the kingdom
Just for this"

Dear Lord with this I now draw near;
A burden given me to bear.
For strength I ask with my whole heart
That I might carry all, not part.

I am faulty, willing but weak,
That is why Your strength I seek.
So on Your Almighty name I call
Lest under this heavy weight, alone, I fall.

But not quite alone for in silence I hear
That still small voice sounding in my ear.
Reassuring, powerful, sweet and strong;
In my aching heart You give me a song.

It's a long way back,
Since I just now emerged from the bramble,
The dark forest sitting, daunting, behind,
Leaving the shivers down my spine,
As a reminder of my path already trekked,
Please God, don't make me go back,
Don't want to get caught up,
Again stuck in those spider webs.
***
Sweat trickles into the gentle fuzz that encircles my head,
Ebony curls frizz with such heat,
Eyes looking out, memories trigger,
Words, they come out as a shout,
As I remember how you sat,
How my heart raced,

[this has been redacted for possible publication. I will repost if it doesn't get into the college lit mag.]

It's odd to walk under a
Stitchless blue sky
The pavement so steady
The pathway tree-lined
Two years into the fact
A thin trail of
Dichotomy
The only
Souvenir
Left

I pinched my fingers on a dress
Imagining a time
When we pledged to be
A
Princess
Distressed
Drawn outside the lines
And look at captures
Of myself
It doesn't feel like time
Could have lent me
Any more
To refresh
What sense was mine

It is one twenty-nine
and my heart heaves a sigh
for my ears have just heard
some great sad news of a bird.

For my whole life I have known
a dear sweet girl who has shown
gentle spirit and love
with a joy from above.

Four some weeks and a go,
I spent five days away
with her sister and her
in a college alone.

There she told me
she had thought
of one day soon going away
to a state so very far
to teach for two months or more.