My smile isn't
As perfect
As I'd like for it to be,
And my
Personality isn't
What I'd like for
People to see,
And yet
Something that
I've found
Is that
In my ugliness
There's a sort of beauty -
A happiness.
The incapability that
Clings to me
Is a
Constant reminder of
The realization
That
I'm not
Supposed
To Be
A goddess.
Every day I
Will get up and
Try
And yet I will always
Fail.
Fall.
Hit the
Ground

Seems like everyone's
shallow these days;
busy tickling o'er stuff that
doesn't matter much:
dark, vile humor and
even darker smiles,
plastered on broken souls
that forgot the joys of
childhood.

Why is our laughter so
heavy all of a sudden?
Like everyone finds this pain
amusing.
I find it curious that
for whatever reason,
I am least happy when I'm
laughing.

What is missing here?

Flowers don’t always mean good things.
Especially if they’re not going home with anyone later.
As I sit, facing the mountain of flower arrangements, I’m numb. Lilies, roses, orchids. Hydrangeas. All flowers of loss.
I’ve lost something that can’t be replaced with flowers.
I knot my thumbs together in my lap as I stare into one of the roses. My mind is racing, but empty. Motionless but dying. I’m so confused by my current condition that I do nothing but stare.

""Art thou one of Arthur’s men?" asked he.
"Yes, by my faith," he answered.
"A good service, truly, is that of Arthur. I have always been Arthur's enemy, and all such of his men as I have ever encountered I have slain."
~ From Peredur The Son of Evrawc, The Mabinogion

Dear friends of the world-that-is-your-own-and-not-mine,

How odd it is to turn -32. The troubles of this world seem hardly surmountable at this age in life. Each three-hundred-and-sixty-five days, poor me, but I lose one year of my life. That’s how negatives work, you see. -33 become -32, and -32 become -31, and so on. I know, you are thinking “wouldn’t that mean she gains a year?” Ah! You are thinking in terms of your world. In mine, things work…a bit backwards from yours. I think.

Chapter 3 The Meeting

I awoke earlier than normal the next morning. The thought that I could go home soon was so wonderful I couldn’t bear to waste a moment sleeping. I slipped on my brown dress and brushed my hair as the first rays of dawn peeked into Mistress’s room. I heard her stir next door and I stepped inside, ready to help. I felt I could handle anything that day with a smile and cheerful obedience.

Yet…though I was quite happy and hopeful inside…Mistress wasn’t. Of course, that was to be expected, but still…was it right for me to be so happy?

The first time I saw her, she was throwing her slender arms around a weeping willow tree, a dryad in her forest kingdom. Auburn strands of silky hair coiled about her head. I took a step, and she was gone.

The second time, she saw me, too. We stood, gazing at each other, her dark eyes brimming with curiosity. Her hair was no longer copper, coal-black in its profusion, pouring in torrents down to her waist. A smile began to grow, dimpling the corners of her milk-white lips, warming her face ‘til it felt like spring had defied winter at last.

I have been trying, like Little Women’s Jo March, to write about familiar things, so as practice I have taken a few moments of my life and written them down. I realize that they are mostly depressing moments from 2+ years ago, but I’m working on projecting emotions through writing, and these are the moments that I feel I captured well. So please, enjoy, and share your thoughts/critiques.

~

I thought there was no enterprise in the world too mighty for me, and after I had achieved all the adventures that were in my own country, I equipped myself, and set forth to journey through deserts and distant regions ~ The Lady of the Fountain, The Mabinogion

~

Verschlossene Fenster, überall
Ein Schweigen und ein Trauern;
Es schien, als wohne der stille Tod
In diesen öden Mauern.
~ Heinrich Heine

("Locked Windows, everywhere
A Silence and a Mourning;
It seemed silent death dwelt
In these desolate walls."