DISCLAIMER: Mild language, edited out with asterisks :).

Monday.
At 1:15am the moon will rise over a greenish Uranus, I don’t know what to say to him, I say I’m in love but yet I hate these awkward pauses, football football farmer’s almanac, maybe I’m not as desperate as I thought, yes he is attractive and wonderful, but this is sort of liberating, we’re just friends I am declaring it as true.

Tuesday.
Maybe I’m just displaced lost unsure of what I’m meant to be doing, what’s meant to be done. I’m supposed to go to college right, but I think I’ll be a movie star but hey we both know that’s highly unlikely, I’m not ugly but I’m not Angelina Jolie beautiful either. They say that looks don’t matter as much as the acting but we all know that’s bull, I used to like learning and reading but now it’s an obligation. I want to be smart, I want to be respected, but I don’t want to hate my life. I want to fall in love and be loved back but I don’t even want to talk about that right now, I think I’m just feeling nostalgic I said that I was over my friendship abortion, but I still think of things sometimes, it’s really hard to forget someone you spent half of your childhood with, why is this hard it shouldn’t be hard. I think I may be a control freak, it’s so hard for me to let other people make decisions, I think it’s both a bad feature and a good one. Maybe I’ll be a lawyer, a really bad*** lawyer and I’ll put the bad guys away and marry a hot lawyer, yeah that sounds good that, sounds right, that’s it, everything’s figured out, show’s over y’all, Erin’s figured out what she wants to do for the rest of her life, she’ll be a lawyer and marry a hot lawyer and she’ll put the bad guys away and do something awesome for the world and make a bunch of money and get a house on the beach where she can watch the sunrise if she decides to wake up early enough, you know what, beaches and relaxation sound great, I don’t think I’m gonna be a lawyer anymore, I’ll be a billionaire, people will pay me for being fabulous and I’ll live on a beach and keep a pet tiger named Jerome and he’ll be my best friend and he and my horse will TOTALLY get along and I can still have my hot lawyer husband and we’ll have this happy life and I don’t need kids, I don’t want kids, I like them from a distance but Jerome the tiger might eat them, he’s temperamental oh what the h*** I’m so conflicted now that it’s actually getting down to crunch time, you know what, I’ll be a doctor even though hospitals make me nervous and the idea of sticking a needle anywhere on a human body makes me physically ill, but if I go through medical school then I’ll be over it by then, huh, maybe I’ll meet the Patrick Dempsey of real life doctors, that would rock, I think I’ve been watching too much Grey’s Anatomy. Ooh, I’ve got it, I’ll be a singer and I’ll tour with Mumford and Sons sounds good that’s it life figured out yay jk, I don’t even know, maybe I’ll just stick with what I’ve got.

Wednesday.
It was a good day until he spoke those words, I had declared us just friends, but of course my stupid heart overtakes my head. I hate that he’s doing this, I get that he’s fed up, but he can’t leave me here, he can’t leave me all alone. I just tell him no and phrase it like a joke, I don’t say another word about it, I keep my tone overly sunny and hate myself for it, I can feel the tears in my throat but I stuff them down. He doesn’t know what I think about him, but he does know that I give a d*** which is why he’s trusting me with this, I have to keep it to myself and I will I don’t want to talk about it anyway. She has to pry it out of me, she tries to reassure me, but I think it’s legitimate this time. He can’t leave me here, he can’t do this to me, it’s happening soon is what he said. When I got in my car I broke down for the first time, I actually cried with actual tears, why is this so real, I had declared us just friends but I guess I was bull*****ing myself. Why should I cry, why is he this important to me, it’s not like I’ll never see him again, I just won’t see him enough, but even every other day isn’t enough, what is every few months going to hurt, the answer is a lot, it’s going to hurt a lot, it already hurts, please don’t leave me, the ache in my chest, the burn in my throat. I’m never a drama queen and I hardly ever cry in real life situations unless it’s really bad and I have to say that this is the worst.