This letter is not intended to be taken too seriously.  Rather, it takes itself too seriously, which is what made it so amusing to write.

 - - -

An Encyclical on the Use of Lukewarm Words by A fellow Sinner in the matter of grammatical and linguistical crimes

Dear Friends,

    I am writing today on a matter of great personal importance, and one which we are forced to deal with every day.  Friends, we are all of us guilty of that crime which sullies the honour of the English Language: the crime of using words of a feeble and lukewarm nature.  There are a number of such words, but the two I feel are most disgraceful are those languid adjectices, "Nice" and "Fine."

In days gone by, the word "nice" was used to mean neatness, exactness.  But in this degenerate age, the word is used by all to describe anything that is agreeable.  A Lady* well-respected in literary circles once wrote of this word in one of her books: "Oh! It is a very nice word indeed!  It does for everything."  Indeed, "nice" has become a mere excuse for an absence of variety in one's choice of words.  No longer will I call it an adjectice, for although it meets all technical requirements of the term, I do not think it deserving. 

Now I will address the second offending word: "fine."  This word, in its proper usage, can be used to communicate the state of the weather ("It is a very fine day,") or to relate of something delicate ("fine sand," "a fine thread").  But when it is used to report on a person's well-being, it is simply intolerable. 

Imagine the following situation - a situation that my readers are doubtless familiar with.  Some person of your acquaintance approaches you and asks good-naturedly, "How are you?"  You reply, without hesitation, that you are "fine." "And how is your mother?" they may inquire if they are particularly well-bred.  "She is fine," you reply.

Intolerable!  To reply in this manner shows such a want of spirits, such a general apathy.  One who acts and speaks to give the impression that he, in the common phrase, does not "give a hoot," is a poor partner in conversation.

The use of these lifeless, lukewarm expressions is never commendable, and says only ill of the intelligence and character of the user.  If you are guilty of the frequent utterance of such terms (and others like them) I encourage you to repent, before all is lost.  Friends, I entreat you to seek out that esteemable volume, the Thesaurus, and make it your ally. 

Join me in my cause against ignorance and vulgarity in speech and manner.  Banish from your vocabulary any word that is not precise in its meaning, any word that does not say what you truly mean.

Go, then, with joy in your hearts and a well-turned phrase upon your lips.

                                   I remain, yours respectfully, &c.

 - - -

* This Lady is, as some may realize, Jane Austen.  The quote is from Northanger Abbey.