Footsteps gently fall
afraid to break the silence, shrouding
the noon sun in its blanket of
fading grey
This ruminating heart
wanders down its lonely path, visiting
the grave of long dead dreams
sleeping quietly
Ambivalent to awaken
these broken things so long asleep, and
reminiscing on these memories
lying still
The light that pours through open doors,
fails falling close to feelings, stored
among these things
aspired for
Many hopes I hold alive
I pray so hard I'll never find them, here
amongst this rubble of these
my broken dreams
Comments
Really good
This is excellent, Brianna. :) Good job.
thanks...
...but somehow the very ending didn't seem quite right. Do you think it flows well enough?
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"We have been created for greater things. Why stoop down to things that will spoil the beauty of our hearts?" ~Mother Theresa
I think the ending is fine.
I think the ending is fine. :)
^
:D Thanks Tim.
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"We have been created for greater things. Why stoop down to things that will spoil the beauty of our hearts?" ~Mother Theresa
another great piece
Lovely Brianna. I like the flow. And I like how the ending stanza is slightly different; it highlights your topic change from broken dreams to current dreams.
One suggestion is that maybe you could play with infusing some more emotional energy (not necessarily into this poem though, it is very well written as is). It's a very gentle poem as it stands now, "gently falling" "sleeping quietly" "lying still". I'm just thinking that if I encountered my broken dreams I would be alot angrier and more depressed and not quite so bittersweet, lol. I'm older and more jaded though ;).
Also don't be afraid to leave some things up to the reader to interpret or guess at ;).
But it is truly a beautiful piece...
in reply
It's funny, because generally that would have been me reaction too. But I wrote this when I had gotten over that, feeling at peace. So I sort of wanted it to have a reflecting feel.
Thanks for your comments though!Something to think on. :)
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"We have been created for greater things. Why stoop down to things that will spoil the beauty of our hearts?" ~Mother Theresa
Ooh
Very nice, excellent piece.
~*~
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
What a lovely poem....very
What a lovely poem....very touching.