I have been extremely busy lately so that even though I had written these in October, and ment to post them then, I have been kept from doing so. I also would like to sorry for taking so long to read through things and publish them lately. It was for the same reason that kept me from posting. Anyways, I have caught up now.
These two stories I wrote for a writting assignment. The first is a rewritten story, and the second is totally original(well, I guess not since it uses the same world as the first) I hope that you enjoy, and any corrections are welcomed with open arms!
The Only Living Thing
“It wasn’t my fault that it came to this. It was her doing, my wicked sister, for she would not yield me the throne. She knew that I had greater magic than she had; my sister even knew that I had the knowledge of the Deplorable Word, and yet she refused stubbornly. How could she act so stupidly as to think that I would refrain from using that great word? My weak sister always underestimated me.
A war broke out in which all the land was devastated. Finally the glorious city of Charn became the battleground, and was turned bleak and desolate. My weary soldiers courageously advanced, but were thwarted by my sister’s superior army. The blood of my men ran in streams down the streets of Charn. The once beautiful city lay in ruins.
I stood here, watching the destruction of Charn. I had fate in my hands, and did she think that I would not have myself win? The oath which the ancient kings swore to was bound by weak magic that could easily be overcome. I searched long for the word, and gained it through much pain. The Deplorable Word, which if spoken with the right ceremony, would leave no thing alive but the one who spoke it. I wouldn’t have used it if she hadn’t pushed me to it. But when she came up those great stairs in triumph, she left me no other choice. When she looked into my eyes, she declared, ‘Victory!’ I spoke back to her, saying, ‘Yes, but not for you.’ Then I, Queen Jadis, uttered the Deplorable Word. My victorious sister despairingly looked at me with such agony and horror. Then she was gone; I was the only living thing left under the sun. The rest of Charn, and the whole of the world, was utterly obliterated.”
Victory, at Such a Cost
“It wasn’t my fault that it had come to this. It was all her doing, my abominable sister, for she demanded the throne, and I, for good reason, withheld it from her. I was the rightful heir, and besides, I had the people backing me. No sane person would willingly follow her unless they had no other choice. Interestingly, she actually put up a fight. I had endless amounts of forces that would willingly commit suicide for me, Queen Jezeb, just to keep my sister from power. I’ve poured out the blood of hundreds of thousands of my men, and yet she holds on. She has laid waste to the whole of the land.
Unwillingly I was forced to chase Jadis into the beloved city of Charn. The greatest battle of all commenced, and the city I once loved was rapidly made desolate. Everything was set ravenously aflame, and the air was choked with smoke. So many valiant men fell that the streets were turned into rivers of red. The stench of rotting flesh filled my nostrils. Finally the last remnent of her soldiers was crushed.
I, followed by my courageous men, triumphantly climbed the stairs to the Palace of the Kings where she had holed up in. Though she was powerful with magic, she was a coward at heart. She had even arrogantly threatened me with the Deplorable Word, but I know she won’t use it. But if she has the strength to utter the destruction of all life, then so be it. If I die, the let the whole glorious world die with me, lest my sister have even an ant to rule over. She will not use it though. Truly I have won; I am triumphant. I have achieved victory, but at such a cost!
Comments
:)
So, first of all, I really enjoyed this. I like seeing things that take you more in depth to stories but yet remain separate of fan-fiction.
A couple of comments:
1. You really like "ly" words. It's so hard to write without them, but writing is SO much better without them - it helps you really show, not tell, if you leave them out and descriptions are so much stronger. When Jezeb trimphantly climbs the tower, what's she doing that makes it so triumphant? If you have a word count limit it makes everything much more difficult since you need to use more words, but it makes the story much more vivid. (Another place, not an ly word, is where you say "my sister's superior army" - how is it superior? And do we really need the adjective there since she is beating Jadis, we know she's superior.
2. A couple sentences were confusing. This one: "I had fate in my hands, and did she think that I would not have myself win?" The others I think have to do with -ly words.
It's already very good, but if you work with even just a few of the -ly words, it will be even better!
:)
I don't really have anything to add to Benjamin and Kyleigh. Nice Narnia fanfic!
I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief
:)
I never really thought to have written something about Jadis or her sister. That was clever.
Also, I just needed to let you know that I really enjoyed this. Other than that, ditto to Kyleigh. I really thought that you needed to show rather than tell to make this story even better.
"It is not the length of life, but the depth of life." Ralph Waldo Emerson
About those points
Benjamin:
Thank you for pointing our those minor mistakes.
That's debateable. That rule is still accepted most everywhere, but many have argued that that rule should not exist. I am one of those. But before I move on, I would like point out that in sentence 5, that is not a preposition.
Kyleigh:
I did find it overloaded with -ly word too, but that was part of what I had to do. It was part of the assignment that I add two -ly word in each paragraph. I would usually not have so many.
To the rest of you, thank you for reading!
"My greatest wish for my writing is that it would point you to the Savior."
Ooh, I liked this!
I really love "The Magicians Nephew" and I thought this was really great. Descriptive and well written. I like how you added both sisters point of view and a bit more description into the background of Charn. I have always been interested in that... planet? Universe? Which ever.
This is very well written. I guess the only thing that I would have done is I would have put more quotation marks in front of every paragraph. This was all quoted from the characters correct? Usually, if you're reading a very long quote from some one it will be broken up so it's like:
“It wasn’t my fault that it came to this. It was her doing, my wicked sister, for she would not yield me the throne. She knew that I had greater magic than she had; my sister even knew that I had the knowledge of the Deplorable Word, and yet she refused stubbornly. How could she act so stupidly as to think that I would refrain from using that great word? My weak sister always underestimated me.
"A war broke out in which all the land was devastated. Finally the glorious city of Charn became the battleground, and was turned bleak and desolate. My weary soldiers courageously advanced, but were thwarted by my sister’s superior army. The blood of my men ran in streams down the streets of Charn. The once beautiful city lay in ruins.....
But I can understand it perfectly without them... and I'm not even sure putting more quotation marks would actually be correct. That's just what I would have done.
Very, very, very, very, very well done!
"Here's looking at you, Kid"
---
Write On!
Arthur,I will give the good
Arthur,
I will give the good news first. I like what you did here. I have never thought of the story from Jadis' sister's point of view.
Also, your word choice was excellent. It fit very well with the characters of Jadis and Jezeb.
Now for the bad news.
In the second paragraph of your second story, there were a few minor spelling slips. In sentence 3, I believe you meant air rather than ait. In sentence 6, I believe it is spelled remnant. Also (though I could be wrong), it would be grammatically more correct to say "remnant of her soldiers were crushed" rather than "was crushed."
Secondly, in the third paragraph, there are certain instances in which you ended your sentences in a preposition. (see sentences 1 and 5)
Apart from these minor grammar slips, I loved the whole thing. I wish you could post more.
In Christ Alone,
Benjamin
“D’ye know what Calvary was? What? What? What? It was damnation; and he took it lovingly.”
~John Duncan