Male Animal’s Questions answered by the ex-feline herself, Miss Kit E.!

Dear Miss Kit E.,
I have recently noticed one tigress more than the rest. I read up on everything men do to get a girl to like them. She doesn’t like any of my things, so I now have a Ferrari, three dozen roses, more chocolate than hair, and a broken heart. What do I do?
-Chocolate-Covered Tiger

Dearest Tiger,
Dude, you went wrong when you started reading. Maybe you should check out Twelve Things to Do to Get Your Romancing Self Out There, Tiger Edition. (Written by Yours Truly!) I can’t give you every tip in the book, but I will say this: Sell all the stuff you bought. Get out there and catch a nice antelope. Give it to your girl; tell her you really like her. If it’s a no-go, ah well. There will be another chance soon. Good luck!

Miss Kit E.,
My name is Chip. I am head of a special organization of animal agents. Very secret society. But anyway, I am supposed to be leader, and I’m the smallest one there! How can the others look up to me if I’m less than 1 foot tall?
-Shrimpy Squirrel

Dear Chip,
Stop freaking out. Size is just a number. Try getting a special stool that will raise you higher than the rest. Oh, and dress right. No one will notice how big you are as long as you are dressed well, in uniform. If there is continued teasing, contact the DTMS (Don’t Tease Me Society) for further help.

Dear Missus Kit E.,
I am secret admirer to a couple of pretty female hippos. Trouble is, they all like me back! I have no idea which one I like best when my favorite thing to do is lounge in the mud. I’m afraid that if I pick one the others will desert me! Help!
-Unhappy Hippo

Dear Hippo,
You puffed up poodle! You can’t be happy with all three of them. To choose who you like best, watch them for the next few days. Which one likes you most? Which one is kindest to everyone? Which one shows the greatest sensitivity? Don’t change your attitude to them, but treat them all equally for now. When the decision becomes clear to you, tell the other two that you really like them, but don’t feel you are right for each other. Try to be sincere, and make the right choices. Happy Hippo Hunting!