It’s the moments when
Pain settles in my spine
And hovers around my cerebral
Cortex
Causing my intestines
To shake
That I realize
How weak I truly am
I’m letting down my teenage dreams
Of me
I’m not Wonder Woman
I can only sit still
While shaking
But maybe strength
Is more than being able to run
Or to fight
Maybe strength is resignation
To the inevitable
Saying
“I can’t walk today”
And being okay with that
Maybe strength is
Finding things to be

I started off the year I turned 20 on a somewhat hopeful note. I had learned to let go of my demons, but yet they still haunted me. My depression was better, but it was still there. In February of 2018 (two months before my 20th birthday) I hit an all-time low. I was becoming more and more sick, and had fallen to the point where I could no longer work out or do any of my normal exercise.
If in one unfortunate moment
You took everything that I own
Everything you've given from heaven above
And everything that I've ever known

The tears kept falling
I dashed them away
Angry at how fragile I’d become
But the anger only made the
Tears fall
Thicker
Adding to the overwhelming sense of
Feeling every emotion
So strongly
It started with sympathy for
A Hollywood actor
Making pain feel tangible for a moment
While creasing over on-screen
His face a tangle of fear and
Heartbreak
“Okay?”
“Okay.”
But the truth is that I’m not
Okay
I’m broken because
A song about seeing the stars
Over Amsterdam

I feel like I’m missing out
On a lot of things
I missed church
One week
I missed two fun outings
I didn’t get to see my
Friend
So I planned this day ahead
One friend can’t make it
The other two may
Be busy as
Well

So I wonder
Am I going to keep missing out
On life?
My social life is slowly
Deteriorating
Before my eyes
My health forces me to
Cancel
Postpone
Or show up and
Sit miserably
In the
Corner
Wishing away a
Migraine