I: Turning
turning from the things
I don't want to see
self-enforced prohibition
hiding me from me
hiding myself from others around
shaping myself
to fit them
and their needs
of who I ought to be
this shape-shifting confuses
I try to ignore it
ignore the fickle will
living inside
but when I break loose
and defy these
self-imposed boundaries
people wonder what's wrong
with me

II: secret time
drowsing through the day
each blink an hour long
the day drags and disappears
too soon
too tired to focus
too busy to work
until it gets dark
the stars come out
so do I
for a few brief hours
I'm in my own world
the house is silent
I dance alone
in my pajamas
as the DJ sings
I sing loudly
unafraid of mistakes
I read too long
and collapse in bed
already asleep
only to crawl out again
fall out again
tomorrow

III: validation
why
do I seek validation
in every aspect of my life
femininity
only counts of boys notice
why
talents
only exist when they're praised
friendships-
opinions-
abilities-
I want to be wanted
so much
I want to be noticed
for the right things
I'm not even sure
I know what those things are
but oh!
losing myself to gain them
to gain this made-up validity
but
I am valid
my worth doesn't bounce
like so many cardiac graphs
my worth
my validity
is real, and it is solid

IV: let go
when I let go
and stop caring
when I sing with the speakers in the store
when I dance through a parking lot
when I skip "getting presentable"
and flirt without makeup
when I laugh so hard I almost fall over
when I make faces
instead of "acting my age"
I feel
as though I've conquered myself
fears pushed aside
my type of living on the edge
isn't what may be called daring
but it is for me
I might be rejected
but all I can do now
is push on
and let my quirks through
and be proud of them
because really
attitude is everything
and if it's not
well
it's too late now
so I might as well sing

V: deceive
turning away
from you
hiding my face
so you can't see
the falseness of my words
I bite my cheek
hard
to control these emotions
to keep them inside
pouring out my pain
by creating pain
to distract me
clenching fingernails
into soft palms
pushing back the tears
that rise
and calmly I speak
laugh, blow it off
as I take out this hurt
on myself
to deceive you

VI: magnetic glass
this silver puddle on my wall
telling me what I deserve
this magic mirror
wielding its power over my life
he said
girls are prettier
without makeup
without those trappings
the mirror says I need
who do I believe
sinking
into the molten surface
the distorted image staring back at me
looks dead
her eyes look dead
flat
expressions pasted on a lying face
I want to break the magic
of this mirror
trust the living eyes
telling me I'm pretty
still the pull
of the magnetic glass
drags me
telling me my worth

VII: dream life
sleeping
to dream
to leave this place
to have the adventures
I long for
when I dream
I have no control over my fate
like a heroine in a novel
I stand at the mercy of the author
strange things happen
every time
I love
these dreams
my tickets
to leave
mundane reality
and find
the adventures
that can never be real

VIII: reflections
shedding thoughts like clothing
peeling layers of memory
like an onion
building up a sugar coating
giving in and fighting still
an oyster
suffocating the grain of sand
instead of spitting it out
I see reflections of myself
in the life moving on without me
swirling patterns
counteracting individuality