So… Ariel got married last weekend and I got to meet an old AP friend in real life (whose user name I cannot remember or find, so we’ll call her Keri). Keri came all the way from a very far off land to see Ariel get hitched, which blows me away because airfare is so expensive and she had never met Ariel in real life. So one of my cousins and I were wakeboarding on the Wii the night before the wedding and in walks Ariel’s mom and introduces us to this girl named Keri.

1. Exhausted
I used to put up with a lot
I used to brave the mood swings and the angry drunken tirades
Put a happy face on when I was shaking with fury
Stay united with my family while we all just watched
But now I’m making an executive decision
I don’t have to spend my time with people who make me crazy
So I’ll sit back in my cave and write about it.

1. I want to die on a beach
I want to die on a beach
Alone, the rain will pelt my smile
The tide engulfing my outstretched arms
The sand will wrap me up like a cocoon
When the lightning strikes, I will remember my life as it once was
The ocean will take my body and I will swim amongst the whales.

Warning: A strong PG, mild PG-13. If any of the following bothers you, don't read:

-Use of the word 'gay' to describe someone's sexual orientation in a non-derogatory way

-One religious exclamation

Thank you!

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Chapter One

I opened my eyes.

I was blinded by light. Not just any light—bright, clean white that smelled so pure it made my throat burn. There was an ache in my chest, one that stemmed from my very center, squeezing out painful shivers with every heartbeat.

People are like birds. Sometimes the men are the peacocks with the big plumage and all of the little mousy female peacocks are coming up and drooling over them. Sometimes they’re like those awkward little birds that make a special dance for their favorite lady, and she heartlessly turns them down if she disapproves.
I guess that they could also be like preying mantises. I’ve seen girl after girl eat her boyfriend’s head.

1. On the Edge
I find myself running more and more
Constantly in fear that I won’t run fast enough
I’m having those dreams where I run to a cliff
And I can’t stop before I step off the edge.

2. Variables
Dare you to keep me in your head
Even if you’re too afraid to try
Variables are thrown in left and right
In our lives we may just have to let it go
Nearly close enough, but just a finger’s breadth out of reach

I pick up my pencil and stare at the blank page of notebook paper. There is so much to write, but I cannot find the words. A deep blue sky hovers over me, warm breezes tickle my skin, and I glance around from my perch in the old oak tree. For a moment I let the moment just suck me in, pull me apart, and fill me with wonder. Then I turn my notebook over and flip through the pages scrawled with smudged lead. One page is illegible, stained with tears. Another is half torn where I ripped out the writing I could not bear to erase or keep. This is my journey.

I've written on apricotpie for five and a half years, and never once have I gone a month without posting. In fact, I don't recall ever cutting it this close. There are six hours left in the last day of the month and the only thing I have to show you is an essay about how I don't have anything to show you.
Sometimes I worry about my future as a writer.

1: ...you've researched dragons more than geography.
2: ...you come up with stories surrounding names from street signs.
3: ...noises in the night scare you more because you invent a reason for them.
4: ...you've succeeded in creating your own version of english.
5: ...your friends aren't worried when you mention magic, death and war in normal conversation.
6: ...you have a secret christmas list for swords, armour and period clothing.
7: ...you have long conversations with yourself and your friends about whether or not magic is evil.

1. The Power
Hold our secrets in just a little longer
Don’t they always say that it can’t get any worse?
I’m starting to realize that I might just do anything for you
That’s a power that I don’t want to give

2. Rotten Memories
Spill out all the broken pieces, throw them in the trash
They can sit and rot and fester until the smell like week old oranges
I won’t shed a tear, nor will I blink an eye