I finished the semester successfully, and was never more grateful to be home. I was glad that there was Christmas break before I had any more classes, auditions for Menotti’s “The Telephone,” and “The Medium,” and well, just everything. I was glad I was going to have a room to myself, I was glad that I could have a bathroom all to myself with a real door and only one shower stall. And I was ecstatic about seeing Kitty and Mom. I absorbed every moment of calmness and clarity that being at home afforded. It ended much too soon.

The new semester didn’t lose any time getting to the point, and Menotti auditions were the second week. I was a wreck during that period, as Bethany could testify. I really wanted to play Lucy in “The Telephone,” and I didn’t like the idea of “The Medium,” though I didn’t know much about it. I was singing “Poor Wand’ring One” for auditions, and I was getting a little sick of hearing myself go “ah-AH-ah-ah-ah.” Bethany scared both of us stiff when she opened the door to our room on me practicing the Eb, and consequentially I went sharp and sounded horrible. We laughed afterward, but ever since then Bethany has been much more careful about coming into our room.

Auditions went well, but afterward is when your sympathetic nervous systems starts constantly working out. Mine was practically keeping me from eating anything. Finally after two long, grueling days I saw the cast list and I could breathe again. I was Lucy. Matt was Ben. I swallowed and glanced blankly at the list for Medium. I noticed that several people from Figaro where in it, but not a lot registered in my mind at that point. I was Lucy. I was Lucy. Everyone who has ever auditioned and gotten the part they wanted knows how exciting it is to simply repeat “I am___.” to yourself numerous times.

The ecstasy wears off, generally, after about a week of tough rehearsals, to return around the week the show opens. It’s replaced by a feeling of grinding away thanklessly at some impossibly hopeless task. I love being in shows.

I got into a pretty comfortable routine this semester. My classes were going smoothly, I had a consistent rehearsal schedule, Bethany was a nice roommate, and I was really starting to feel secure, if not happy. I was even enjoying working with Matt on Telephone. As insane as I thought him, he was nice to me, and I managed to get used to him.

On Monday night we had a combined rehearsal for Telephone and Medium, the two shows being intended for joint performance this spring. Telephone was to be the first half, so Matt and I went first, performing to an audience of Medium cast members, who liked it well, though I particularly wondered what the other eligible sopranos who had tried for Lucy thought of me. I tried to imagine what I would think if I were in their place. But perhaps they were happier with their own roles. They appeared to be quite content. Matt and I then watched the Medium. It was fun to see former cast mates from Figaro. Then I left to do some homework while the cast got their notes from the director. Matt followed me, however and I certainly didn’t get much homework done.

I had just situated myself in a large chair that was just outside the rehearsal halls when I noticed his presence and smiled amiably.

“What’s up, Matt?” I inquired off-handedly.

“Oh, well, nothing much.” He replied looking at his feet and scuffing at the carpet with his shoes. “Merry. I thought maybe...” he paused and looked into my face. I cocked my head innocently and waited for him to continue.

* * *

I walked back to my dorm in record time that evening; excitement and confusion filled me with energy. Matt had asked me out on a date with him, and for some reason I couldn’t plausibly explain, I’d said I would go. I never thought of myself as the kind of girl who would be pushed over by the first guy who nervously but earnestly asked her, but there it was, and it was his very apprehension that probably drew my acceptance from me. Arrogant Matt, who was always so confident, had been worried that I, who had never had a boyfriend in all my life, would say no. He had been genuinely nervous. Had he been sure of my answer I’m positive I would have declined. I wondered at my own daring. I was so confused. Were girls always so flustered when they discovered that a guy truly liked them? An image of bouncy-curls flooded out the other preppy teenagers I had known. I pictured her flouncing around the boys. No, I was sure she wouldn’t be at all discomfited by any attentions they showed her, because she was actively seeking and expecting them, whereas I tended to round in the opposite direction of expectation. I could hardly believe, even now, that there was such a guy who would ask me over all the other girls at school.

I stood at the door of my room, for a moment, but the possibility of Bethany being inside turned me around and I walked back outside into the snowy winter night of this “spring” semester at school.

I walked to a bench which was located behind the library, wrapped my scarf around my mouth and ears and just sat there, huddled, but enjoying the cold and solitude.

There were many phases of growing up, and each one was uncomfortable in its way. But each phase left you stronger and eagerly reaching for the next.

That Friday I stood staring into the mirror and taking stock of myself. I was wearing one of my nicest dresses and a pair of black heels. My hair was up, and my face was flushed. I was nervous, and I was excited. I was also very curious to see what this would be like.

Bethany, who sat on her bed looking at me with a critical eye of fashion, declared that I looked “perfect.” She declared a great many other things as well, since she was Bethany. Her voice made me more excited, and yet more assured at the same time. She had some reason to gloat over me, since I had assured her not so very long ago that I cared not at all for Matt, but she was all kindness and breathless enthusiasm. Or so it seemed. I couldn’t help remembering that I had been convinced that she liked Matt herself, but she showed not the least sign of jealousy now. In fact, I was so glad of her unselfish company at that moment that I sat down beside her and hugged her. We laughed together when I stumbled over my heel on the way to get the door when Matt knocked. Bethany kept a stream of chatter going while I enveloped myself in my coat and scarf.

“Have a good time!” Bethany admonished us as I took Matt’s arm and we walked out.