Dearest Ofailia,
I feel as though it has been years since I last wrote you. I realize I should have replied to your last letter months ago but I find that between the crash of the toothpaste factory where I worked when you sent me that last letter, and starting up my new stationary business I have been rather busy, so please forgive the long delay, believe me, I would have written you sooner if I could have found the time.
I believe I have told you the conditions in which I worked in the toothpaste factory and I am rather glad that they have "gone under" as my neighbor Hagbisgus says, because they really did treat me horribly. They actually made me try out every new toothpaste they came up with. I have to say that the spinach and shrimp flavors were the worst. And when Christmas time came around, instead of giving away a free ham like some other, more respectable companies do, they presented me with a toothpaste gift basket containing the aforesaid disgusting flavors. I really don't think I will ever be able to look at toothpaste, let alone brush my teeth again, without gagging.
But everything seems to be doing well now with my stationary business up and going. It really is a lovely business, in fact, this very stationary I am writing this letter on is one I made myself, please tell me what you think in your answering letter.
Oh dearest, I have missed you ever so much! I don't know how I have gotten through the long winter months without talking to you. Of course Jericho has been a good deal of comfort, he is the most understanding salamander I have ever had, but still I somehow feel lonely sometimes, and I miss you a good deal. How did you like the birthday present I sent you. No toothpaste this year! I hope Oliver is doing well, please give him my sincerest condolences for his loss, it was such a tragic accident, how is he holding up? Ofalia I hope you have been feeding him the liver spread I sent you, it really works wonders on cases like his.
Oh but I can't believe I have been prattling on like this without even asking you how you have been all this time! So, dearest Ofalia, how have you been? I hope you have gotten over that unpleasant case of athletes foot. When Limasina came down for the holidays I asked her about it and she said is was getting better despite popular belief and that the large growth on your ear was considerably smaller. I was so glad to hear this news that I very nearly could have eaten ice cream and that would have been very dangerous considering that one thing that happens when I eat that delicious dessert, I will only allude to it in this letter because I don't want to speak of anything unpleasant in this letter.
Oh but dearest, did you hear about what happened to the Timpanikin family? Such a bad case of Bunionitas no one has ever seen! And every one of them had a worse case of it then the other! Why the doctors down in Ramody said that the bunions were everywhere, growing off of every bare patch of skin possible! Don't tell anyone but I hear that they had to shoot the mother! Oh what an unpleasant way go! But I do wonder what it would feel like to be shot, and I wonder how I would react. When I was young I used to use the water guns and pretend to shoot myself and try to react as if I really had been shot. I really think I was quite good and I have decided that if I ever am shot I will act just like I did then when I was pretending. Dearest Ofailia would you rather be shot or stabbed. I have lain awake many nights trying to decide but to no avail, I just cannot decide! But no matter I would rather be suffocated with a feather pillow then be stabbed or shot.
Oh my Dearest, I nearly forgot, my brother Adamson wants to know if you sister Lafia will marry him. You will ask her for him wont you? It would mean so much to the dear boy, I believe he really is quite beside himself with anxiety over the whole situation, so please ask her promptly and send the answer back through me. He says he would ask her himself but he went to the barber last weekend and got the most atrocious haircut he wont leave his bedroom, the poor dear. I offered to buzz it all off but he shrieked something awful when I suggested and yelled "Get away from me you wicked troutsniffer!" and retreated into the attic. I haven't seen him since but I think he is still up there because I can hear him crying up there at night over his misfortune, and I don't think it is the rats because they never had cried quite as loud as him, but they can hold their own in gas. Have I told you what awful gas Adamson has? Oh it really is horrid, poor boy, he can't help it. Sometimes when he and the rats have a competition in that area we have to evacuate the house. But after a few weeks the deadly fumes have gone and we are always glad of being home. But my, that boy can whistle! He never seems to stop unless he is eating or talking! My, my, I don't know when he will grow out of all his foolish ways, they boy is nearly fourty-five! Ah but enough about Adamson.
How is your own brother George? I hear he got engaged last spring. Has the wedding taken place yet? I really hoped I would be invited, you might mention that to him next time you happen to speak with him.
And now to answer the questions you asked me in your previous letter.
Yes. No. Of course not! What a horrid Idea, I can't believe you would even think me capable of It, I have such weak ankles you know! No. No. I might think about it, but she is so grumpy this time of year I don't think she will tolerate me asking. Yes, I do believe so, but I am not sure, you would have to ask a certain William P. S. G. H. K. I. O. P. (William Pansin Gond Haratio Kennedy Inkabink Ojava Polanski), he knows all the happenings of that town. Yes I would love some if it isn't moldy by this time, I have always loved your rice pudding, send it over ASAP, I am holding a dinner party next week (oh and do you have any of those pumpkin preserves you are so famous for, there is a certain Banne Hairly coming and he is quite wild about them!). I am afraid not, he died last year in a tragic incident concerning sticky notes and bananas, I am sure he would love to meet you otherwise, but I think he may have trouble in coming to you, so you have to go to the cemetery where he was laid to rest, and I advise you do not dig him up so you can speak with him, it could get a little messy, I am afraid it would have to be a one sided conversation, but no matter, you always loved to talk. Of course not, I haven't spoken to that woman in years, she certainly is not to be invited to my waterside picnic with riparian entertainments, it is to be much too civilized an occasion for a person of her class to attend. Oh my Dearest Ofailia I am SO sorry but I shall not be able to make it on the twenty-fifth because I have a florists society meeting to attend that day and I wont be able to make it on the thirty-third either, oh my, I am ever so busy that day what with the ironing competition and the S.A. meeting (scissors anonymous). And to answer your last question No. No, no, no, no, no. No. Did I mention no? I don't believe I did. No. Absolutely No.
Thank you Dearest Ofailia for writing and I hope this boring letter has not put you to sleep, I know how you have had trouble with that cronic random falling asleep disorder, I would hate to think that I, your very closest friend had caused a relapse of it.
No matter, if you have had a relapse just let me know when you wake up and I will send you some black licorice.
I love you and miss you more and more ever day Dearest Ofailia and I hope this letter finds you well as my last letter did and I hope you remember that your sock drawer is on the right and you left your sandwich under the mattress. Apart from that Dearest I can't think of what else to tell you except, I remain your very loving and affectionate,

Aunt Mesmairda

P.S. While you read this letter
Please imagine I was wearing
A lovely violet dress while I
Wrote it and also a pretty
Wreathe of violets in my hair.
Also while you read it I want
You to know that I wrotie it in
My very best English accent.
P.S.S. I just remembered that
You left your best hat in the
Bread box and I hope you take
it out and air it before you come
to visit, it would really be atrocious
if you came here smelling of bread!
Just imagine what the neighbors
Would think!
P.S.S.S. That's all!