Averil Skubern: Chapter 1

Submitted by Rachel M. Keifer on Fri, 11/02/2012 - 14:27

This is the beginning of a story that has been churning in my mind for quite awhile.The title is temporary, since I haven't really gotten any burst of inspiration for a title as of yet! Tell me what you think of it, and please don't hesitate to give me any suggestions and/or corrections! Thanks! :)
.......................................................................................................................

Averil strolled slowly down the old dirt lane which led to her little white and red farmhouse. School was finally done for the year, and as soon as she had walked out of its doors, she had become determined to push all of that chaos out of her head. All of that information that she had been cramming into her head all year long could now be put on a back shelf in her brain. She knew that she would miss school during her vacation time, for she dearly loved to study, and if she had her way, would’ve studied all summer long. But she knew that it would be wiser to let her brain have a rest. So she set out to enjoy herself right away. As she strolled along on that fair June day, she allowed all of the beauty around her to be absorbed into her very soul. She had often done this on similar occasions, for it always made her so peaceful, and happy.

There was a canopy of trees stretching overhead, and little bunches of sunlight shot through the intertwining branches, giving the little lane a very enchanted look about. Averil was delighted far beyond words, and walked very lightly so as to avoid knocking any pebbles loose and disturbing the atmosphere. The only sounds that broke the silence were the birds fluttering playfully to and fro who were twittering their joyous summer song, and the little frogs and crickets who were singing, or rather chirping, a little melody to the birds’ sweet melodies.

Averil was a very pretty girl. She had long curly chestnut colored hair, bluish-grey eyes, a bright smile, and a tall graceful figure. Her complexion was fairer than most, and she had a healthy looking glow about her cheeks. Averil had a very amiable character, but for the last few years, she had been so absorbed in books, that she barely had any friends. One of her favorite past times was to take a thrilling novel or romance and sit on the shore reading for hours and hours. Then she would walk along the beach and watch the sun set over the sparkling water.

As soon as Averil reached their little farmhouse she ran up to her bedroom to put away her school books and to change into a lighter dress. Then she grabbed one of her favorite books and headed for the fields. She loved to read while sitting on an old boulder out in one of their hay fields, with the wind blowing the tall grasses to and fro. Sometimes she would take out her hair pins, and, standing on top of the boulder, allow the wind to blow her chestnut curls in all directions and pretend that she was the elf maiden who ruled the fields. Averil always took great enjoyment in doing these sorts of thing, and was always coming up with fresh games for her brothers and sisters to play. If Averil had a lot of anything, it was a good imagination, and she was glad of it.

Soon Averil fell into a whirl of daydreams which continued throughout the entire afternoon until they were interrupted by the dinner bell. She started when she heard it, and was rather surprised that it was dinner time already.

When she reached the house, her mother glanced at her with an amused expression and said, “I was kind of surprised when I didn’t see you upstairs studying! I suppose it’s just because it’s such a familiar sight to see you up there studying at all hours, even when your homework is done!”
Averil sighed a little and then replied, “well, I thought that I’d get some fresh air instead, seeing as it is the last day of school.”
“Oh you needn’t explain yourself to me! I’m glad that you took a little brake! You’re liable to make yourself ill staying up in your room studyin’ all the time like you’ve been doing. In fact, I’m going to insist right now that you don’t pick up a single schoolbook all summer long!”
Averil’s mouth fell wide open, as she gave her mother the most agonized look that ever was made.
Her mother continued, “Now don’t get me wrong. Studying is wonderful, but there’s a reason that you’re given a brake from it!”
“But….”
“No ‘buts’ missy! I’ve made up my mind. You’ll do no studying this summer! You can study to your hearts content during the school year, but not during your brake! It can’t be any good for your health!” Mrs. Skubern spoke in a decided tone which told Averil that her mind was made up, and so, Averil didn’t even attempt one pleading cry.

Averil set the table with and air of disappointment hovering over her. She thought, “how will I ever make it through this vacation? Of course I had already planned on doing my best to study less this summer, but now that I’m not allowed to, it’ll be extremely difficult.”

After dinner Averil went to her room and looked around. She walked over to her desk and felt an urge to open up one of her school books. She paced back and forth in her room for several minutes before picking up a novel and slumping herself down on the floor to read. She didn’t take in much of what she read though for her mind was much disturbed, and her reading was continuously interrupted by longing glances towards her desk. She eventually quit reading, blew out the candle, and went to bed.

Author's age when written
15
Genre

Comments

   This story has caught my interest. I'm so glad that my mother isn't like Averil's, because I couldn't stand not studying over the summer. I guess that I don't have the problem of not socializing with other people though.

   One thing, you should split some of your larger paragraphs into smaller ones. Also whenever a person begins to speak, you should make a new paragraph.

   Keep writing!

"My greatest wish for my writing is that it would point you to the Savior."

Not sure why, but I enjoyed this.

Just thought I should note that the best lifestyle isn't to study your brains out for 9 months and bury all of your schoolbooks for 3. You should study moderately and seriously during the schoolyear and continue to study lightly throughout the summer.

I also found this story to be quite compelling. Maybe it has something to do with being homeshooled and a love of studying? I was able to identify very well with Averil.

One change I might make would be to get rid of most of your third paragraph. It seemed out of place. Especially since you could have told us all that information more naturally elsewhere. For example, you told us that she loved to read in the fourth paragraph without seeming to really tell us. In that place it flowed much better.

Overall, it was a great first chapter: engaging and attention-grabbing.

“D’ye know what Calvary was? What? What? What? It was damnation; and he took it lovingly.”
~John Duncan

I really enjoyed reading this. The descriptions are just lovely. I especially love Averil's name! And I really liked this part.

She loved to read while sitting on an old boulder out in one of their hay fields, with the wind blowing the tall grasses to and fro. Sometimes she would take out her hair pins, and, standing on top of the boulder, allow the wind to blow her chestnut curls in all directions and pretend that she was the elf maiden who ruled the fields.

The scene that envisioned into my mind was just beautiful.

Now. Here are some suggestions. (I think I am taking advantage of your invitation to correct....)

1. But she new that it would be wiser to let her brain have a rest.

This is a slip-up I believe. "New" should be "knew".

2. She had often done this on similar occasions, for it always made her so peaceful, and happy.

The comma following peaceful is unnecessary.

3. There was a canopy of trees stretching overhead, and little bunches of sunlight shot through the intertwining branches, giving the little lane a very enchanted look about.

I'm not so sure that the "about" is necessary. It just adds extra words and as writers, we try to write as little words as possible.

4. Averil sighed a little and then replied, “well, I thought that I’d get some fresh air instead, seeing as it is the last day of school.”

Always capitalize the first letter of the first word in every dialogue. Thus, the "well" should be "Well".

Overall, I look forward to more! Great beginning!

"It is not the length of life, but the depth of life." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Interesting and defiantly attention grabbing. I loved the paragraph Lucy pointed out, that too was my favourite. In the first two paragraphs, it made me feel very peaceful. My summer holidays are coming up, and I just can't wait to NOT do any studying. (I live in Australia, not America like most of the APers here. I think you guys are going into winter, is that right?)

Correction: In the paragraphs where Averil is talking to her mum, her mum keeps saying "brake" instead of "break". Or maybe that's just how you Americans use it, I dunno. (I have to be careful when offering corrections because, in your grammar, it might be totally correct!) :D

Goodbye? Oh no, please. Can’t we just go back to page one and start all over again?” – Winnie The Pooh