Modern Tips For Princes How to Sweep Your Love Off Her Feet Without Being Cliché By Flora, Fairy Assistant to Happy Endings
Hello, all! I'm back with more advice for novice fairies and clueless royalty!
I’ve recently received a lot of emails and letters from princes seeking new ways to get a princess to fall in love with them. What these poor boys don’t realize is that time has changed and princesses have changed along with them. The day of the white horse and long black locks is gone—hopefully forever! So, as I answer a few of these questions, I hope that it will help a few of you modern dragon-slayers to win your fair lady!
Letter #1—Dear Flora, I’m in love with one of the most beautiful princesses in the land. In order to impress her, I bought one of the most impressive white horses I could find. This horse stands sixteen hands high and is pure white with a silver star on his forehead. I thought for sure she’d fall for me then—but she just turned up her nose and stalked off to join another prince for a ride in his new horseless carriage. So I’m left with no love, an enormous horse that burns through hay, and a broken heart. What should I do? Prince Horse-Lover
Answer #1—Dear Horse-Lover, I find it interesting that you describe the horse more than you do the princess you’re in love with. Maybe you should start telling your princess that she’s beautiful instead of describing this wonderful horse! As for the horse, sell him. Horseless carriages, otherwise known as automobiles, cars, trucks, vehicles, etc, are all the rage! Princesses love to be seen zipping around in one of those hot new sports models. I’d suggest Googling a few websites and seeing what you find in cute cars (yes, girls call cars cute!). Whatever you do, buy the latest, most decked out model you can find. Don’t be cheap! Here are some suggestions to get you started: Mazda Miatas; girls love these little cars, especially the convertibles. This is a mid-expensive car but should still be easily in your allowance range. Ford Mustangs; for some reason many girls are drawn to this car. Its classy, one of America’s oldest sports cars (if you’re into American cars) and is a lower end car. But you can dress it up by getting a Mustang GT, or if you really want to impress a girl, buy a Shelby GT, which is of the “muscle” car type. Mini Coopers; you must admit, these cars are SO cute! Not many people are big fans of these cars, but if your girl happens to like Mini Coopers, she will most likely be a die-hard Mini Cooper fan. There’s really no in between on these cars. They’re more expensive but definitely worth it if your girl likes them. Ferraris; this is a cool car. They’re Italian made, for one. They’re fast and sleek, two other reasons. The price tag may also impress your girl—these cars can be so expensive it may even take a couple of weeks for saving your pocket allowance! Pick the car carefully. Good luck! And remember, no matter what cool car you buy, you may not end up catching this girl simply because she doesn’t want to be caught by you. True Love still plays a factor! Flora
Letter #2—Dear Flora, my hair used to be short, curly, and RED. But as I’ve read the fairy tales, all princes seem to have “long, glossy black locks”—that are STRAIGHT! So I’ve grown my hair out and flat-ironed it every day, but still no princess will even look at me! What did I do wrong?!? Prince Curly
Answer #2—Dear Curly, why did you change your hair? Silly goose! What do they teach princes these days? I can’t answer for ALL the fairy-tale princes, but from personal experience, not all of them had long black locks. In fact, even though no one will admit it, the prince that Snow White ended up marrying was the dwarf prince, and he had a horribly kinky red beard and hair. Girls these days like the “natural” look. According to polls we’ve conducted, yes, girls like the long, shaggy look, but only for guys with naturally straight hair, and NEVER so long that it hits the shoulders. With curly hair, girls generally like short. So, go short, stay natural—and remember, True Love will happen some day! Don’t rush it! Flora
Letter #3—Dear Flora, I found a really cool suit of armor in a junk shop, so I bought it and wore it to my first date. The girl just laughed at me, then told me to take it off because I looked silly! I thought girls LIKED it when guys wore armor! Prince Clunky
Answer #3—Dear Clunky, the junk shop was your first mistake. Don’t be cheap! As for armor, some girls like it. But, if I’m guessing correctly, you were probably wearing one of those silly tin suits from the 13th century. That’s not the way to go! Very few people in the 13th century even liked those suits. I’d suggest finding some lighter stuff, maybe a breastplate, vambraces, and greaves. And a sword, of course. The sword is an absolutely necessary piece of equipment. Without it, the armor looks incomplete. Also, it depends on the atmosphere. Remember, modern times do not demand armor everywhere you go, although if you have a few political enemies, a flak vest underneath your shirt might be a wise choice. Anyway, I’d suggest only wearing armor if you’re not going somewhere public, or if you’re going to a medieval feast or festival (though heaven knows why anyone would want to resurrect that messy time). Don’t wear it if you’re just going to a pizza parlor, burger joint, or other casual restaurant. In fact, ask your girl where she’d prefer you to wear it. In fact, maybe even include her in shopping for some. Girls like to shop! I doubt this will come between you two, even if she did call you silly. If this is True Love (and it better be if you’re going on a date!) then this will eventually become an incident you can laugh at and tell your children and grandchildren. Flora
Letter #4—Dear Flora, I have so many pairs of tunics and tights in my closet, I don’t have enough room for more clothes! But every girl I’ve ever spoken to says that I look like something from the medieval ages—well, their words precisely are “the Dark Ages”—anyway, I was wondering, is that bad? Because I like the clothing from that time period. Well, I like modern clothing too, but it just seems so much more romantic to me to be wearing the same outfits my forefathers wore when they went courting. What should I do? Prince Tightly
Answer #4—Dear Tightly, ditch the tights. Men in tights hasn’t been popular since Robin Hood bit the dust. Clear out your closet and start with a new wardrobe. Jeans and t-shirts, a few polo shirts, maybe some khakis, a button down shirt or two, maybe even a nice suit (no obnoxious ties). And don’t you dare buy any of those “skinny-leg” jeans either—those are almost as bad as tights! Flora
And that’s all for today! I hope I gave you some insight, and that you enjoyed this segment of the “Ask Flora Advice Column”! Next week, we’ll be looking at another mixed up legend. Keep those questions coming, kids!
~Flora is a retired Fairy Godmother who is a Fairy Assistant of Happy Endings, and currently writes the Council of Fairy Godparents Newsletter and the “Ask Flora: Advice From A Veteran Fairy Godmother” articles in the Fairy Times. She often refutes misunderstandings such as the article above. Flora lives happily at home in her hollow mushroom with her pet snail, Flambeau.