Once upon a time, there was a princess.
I don’t remember her name, exactly, but it was something regal and beautiful and befitting a lovely maiden. Probably it was Cecilia or Relia or something that ends in a.
This princess had hair of sunshine, a face that seemed carved from ivory, eyes green as the sea, and features so delicate and lovely they almost looked plastic. Her smile was dazzling. She was tall, graceful, well-mannered, virtuous, smart, and wore gorgeous dresses (usually of gold and green; they matched her hair and eyes the best).
Princess Cecilia Relia Amoretta Delphina the Second (I looked her up on Google to find her name) had a prince. They were to be married that night. His name was Prince Quinn Albert Edwin the Fifth (he was unfortunate enough to have only two middle names). He had perfectly styled chestnut brown locks, eyes bluer than the sky, and features that made all his female subjects swoon in the streets. He had a pristine white smile. He also was tall, strong, well-mannered, virtuous, smart, and wore rich clothing.
I was going to say that Cecilia and Quinn were madly in love, but that would be a lie. Cecilia declared- just two hours before the wedding, no less- that she could never love him.
(Cue "Dun dun DUN!")
Why was that? How could she not love Quinn? He had perfect hair! He had stunningly blue eyes! He was so handsome that wherever he went he left a trail of unconscious ladies! He had a pristine white smile! He was tall, strong, well-mannered, virtuous, smart, and wore rich clothing!
Quinn went to ask Cecilia why she would not love him. He said, "Why do you not love me? I have perfect hair, stunningly blue eyes, a pristine white smile, and I am so handsome that wherever I go I leave a trail of unconscious ladies. I am tall, strong, well-mannered, virtuous, smart, and I wear rich clothing."
Cecilia- her green eyes especially beautiful because her lace-and-silk wedding dress was embroidered with green- sighed. (Cue mournful violin music.) Her sigh made the very birds want to cry. "Quinn, you do have perfect hair, stunningly blue eyes, a pristine white smile (etc. etc.), but there is one thing you have that I can never love."
"What is it?" asked the Prince. "Is it that I leave unconscious ladies in the streets because of my mere good-looking-ness? Is it because I only have two middle names?"
"No," said Cecilia. "It is not that you are good-looking and make all my female friends and subjects faint when you walk by or that you are sadly lacking in middle names. It is because… because…" She buried her face in her lovely white hands and began to cry. Her tears were lovely, and so sorrowful that now even the rocks were weeping with her.
"What is it?" asked Prince Quinn.
(Cue tense music.)
"It’s because… you… wear… tights!"
(Raging music.)
Quinn stood up indignantly, flicking his perfect brown hair out of his face. "What’s wrong with my lucky tights?!" he roared.
"They’re… they’re pink," sobbed Princess Cecilia. "Pink is so unmanly!"
"How dare you say I’m unmanly?" stormed the Prince. "I have perfect hair, stunningly blue eyes, a pristine white smile, and I am so handsome that wherever I go I leave a trail of unconscious ladies! I am tall, strong, well-mannered, virtuous, smart, and I wear rich clothing!"
"And tights!" cried Cecilia.
Princess Cecilia Relia Amoretta Delphina the Second and Prince Quinn Albert Edwin the Fifth didn’t get married after all.

The End