Tip-tip-tip over
Bowled like the stark white of a pin
Those two red lines
Wrap around my cheeks
Smudge between my eyebrows
say I'll never win
You are claustrophobic
Cloying
To my skin and hair and heart
A high-stakes perfume
A magnanimous plume
Of smoke
Rising from the hearth
I choke
On it in forests clear and bright
Cedarwood and sparkling night
The atmosphere is starved
For wanting you
And at times it seems that's all
I'm meant to do
For in the quiet of a class
Restless-leg afternoon
A hand on my arm
A breath trails out sparse
I only wish
That this dream
Could come true
I've been playing around with rhythm and word choice lately. This is another that I liked how it turned out! Okay, I'll take a break from poetry now! :P
Comments
Wowwwwwww.
Wowwwwwww. I don't have much time, because I'm only passing through right now, but I just wanted to say, as usual, your poem gave me full sensations and imagery -- BUT what most jumped out at me today was your rhythm. I got a particular burst of joy at this part:
"say I'll never win
You are claustrophobic
Cloying
To my skin and hair and heart"
-- the "win" and "skin" jumped out at me so happily. This poem is the sort of beat that my brain thinks in, and wants to read in, and attempts to write in. I read the poem over and you maintain this unique rhythm really accurately.
(Aaaand I actually JUST now read your note and realized this was purposefully played with, haha.)
I love the description of "restless-leg afternoon" --- soo perfect; I've been there. And the use of cedarwood and claustrophobic. And a "breath trails out sparse" -- it's like the person gets a little glimpse, a little clutch, of something she wants, but not much at all. It's enough to make you feel a little okay, but still feel the ache and burn of emptiness. Also pealed with happiness at the word "smudge" -- I'm pastel painting right now and so it had an extra physical feel for me. Anyway, all in all, this for some reason brought me back to my first couple years of college, and a sense of dreams unfulfilled. You captured the pain gloriously well. You're really on a roll with poems lately! Skyrocketing, rather!
-- Okay, so much for not having time to respond hahaha.
Woah!
I cannot say it better that Sarah Bethany! This is wonderful!
"Here's looking at you, Kid"
---
Write On!
:)
I really like the rhythm and rhyme! It was delightfully satisfying to read this poem. You have a way with words :)
I don’t thrive off of chaos: chaos thrives off of me.