You are completely consuming my mind.
I want you out now, I want you gone.
I hate it when I feel the impending dread in my chest,
Sinking & plowing down through my organs.
Your exit is nearer than I am prepared for,
I need to see you but I can’t seem clingy—
But I am, I’m clinging, I‘m clinging for dear life,
On the edge, it’s so precarious, and you are so close.
Why did you have to make these changes so abruptly?
I’ve just gotten to the point where I think, “Yes, maybe.”
It’s taken nearly two years but I’m here, I’ve arrived.
Every time I have feelings for anyone, they leave—
They get engaged, they go overseas, and now they join the military.
I know I’m getting out in a few months anyway,
But at least where I’m going we could keep in touch.
I’m checking my phone every five minutes,
Hoping you’ll call or text or explain,
“I was just messing with you, I’m staying right here.”
It’s an alternate reality that has become an impossibility
I’ll get used to it at some point, but I’m wishing I could erase
When I forced it out of you, the why, what, and how,
The sad, expectant smile on your face because you knew
Exactly what I would think.
All the dots have connected since then, the stars have aligned
You’ve slowly distanced yourself from me these past couple of months
Less hand grabbing and shoulder brushing
You told me all the boys would chase me in college,
But you didn’t say anything about yourself.
You’ve been saying a gentle goodbye, even if we won’t really part
For another six months, ideally—
I have so many questions and so many things to say
Because I’m at my point, my almost two-year mark;
How long it takes for me to start to fall, head first.
I always take this passive policy when it comes to “love”
“I wouldn’t say no to him, but I’m not going to ask, either.”
I’m sick of it, a life without risks…
But when I see you I’m probably just going to hug a little tighter,
A little longer,
I will be discontent with my quiet defeat.
Angry with myself for being so scared of truth, commitment,
And the rejection that comes with putting myself out there—
But at least I will get to say my platonic “I love yous.”