The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Review

WARNING!!! THIS HAS SPOILERS.

Today, Laura, William, Emma, Sarah, and I watched the second Hobbit movie. My thoughts of this movie are not in the order that the movie went, just so you’ll know. I wrote them down as I thought of them.

I HATED Radagast. Sorry, folks, but I really did. When Saurumon said 'Radagst the brown, Radagast the fool!' It couldn't have been said better. And I don’t know why, but Radagasts silly little rabbit team that pulled his ‘wagon’ thing irked me, too.

Now, to go onto Bilbo. He was a good actor, I'll admit. But, he was very stupid. He goes into the dragons cave. He waits seriously, RIGHT before Smaug sees him to put his ring on! So, while I waited (impatiently, needless to say) I chanted to myself ‘you’ve got a ring, buster, you’ve got a ring!’ So, finally he puts it on, just before Smuag sees him. Then, he’s hardly had it on for two minutes, and he takes the ring off! So, now Smaug can see him. Dumb. Dumb. DUMB. And he doesn’t steal a cup like he’s supposed to (or anything, for that matter.)

And on his way out, who do you think he meets? Thorin! Thorin’s not supposed to go in the cave!!!! I mean, what is this?!?! I thought it was Tolkiens book 'the Hobbit' that Peter Jackson was making into a movie, not a movie that Jackson made with a hobbit...and a dragon. Thorin's never supposed to even so much as see the dragon, but he does!!! And then along come all the other dwarfs, who aren’t supposed to see it, either.

Oh, and that reminds me. Killi gets shot in his leg by an orcs arrow which has poison in it. Did that happen in the book? No! And so he has to stay back while all the other dwarves go to the mountain. Did I say all the others? Pardon me, I meant all the others except three of the others not including Killi, who decide to stay with Killi. Did that make any sense to you? Probably not. Three other dwarves stayed with Killi while the others go to Smaugs cave.

Okay, back to the dwarves with the dragon. So the dragon chases them around for a long time, and his fire (the very little that he breathes) does them, well, no harm at all! Pretty pathetic when he a fire-breathing dragon can't even hurt one of little tiny dwarf out nine, or even Bilbo.

So, they finally get out, and Smaug deciders to vent his rage on some town (I don’t remember the name; I think it was Laketown.)

Then there was this seriously dorky she-elf, Tauriel, who is NOT supposed to be there. She, unfortunately, seemed to be rather fond of Killi (okay…..) while Legolas (who wasn’t supposed to be in there, ether, but was in it quite a bit nonetheless) was in love with Tauriel. Dumb. And I could not STAND Tauriel. She goes around with her bow, killling orcs like the dork that she is. And that, may I say, is a very, very nice understatement. She. Was. A. Dweeb.

Then Legolas gets in a big fight with some orcs. One leaves him with blood running from his nose. If you've seen him after a fight before, his face is as shiny clean as it was before (which is very, very, clean) his hair's is perfectly straight and smooth, and his face never has blood on it. No dirt. No scratch. No NOTHING.
But--BUT when this orc leaves blood on Legolas' nose, he seriously wipes it off with his finger, and looks at with a look of total shock and disbelief. He was probably thinking, 'I'm gonna kill that orc who ruined my perty face!' I do believe that he was very angry that the orc (of all creatures that could have done it to him) would dare to leave so much as a scratch on his perfect, beautiful, flawless, clean, wonderful, lovely, elf face, much less make it bleed! And so then he jumps on a horse and rides after that fowl orc who dared to touch his 'perty' face.
And, sense neither Legolas nor Tauriel were supposed to be in the hobbit (not that Tauriel was in LOTR) then I think that I have come to the conclusion that Legolas was in it to attract Legolas fan girls, and Tauriel to attract boys.

Oh, and before Smaug goes out to destroy Laketown, the orcs attack it too, which they were not supposed to, and who comes on the scene to save the day?
Tauriel the epic. *clears throat'. Pardon me--again. The completely un-epic, totally annoying, stupid and dumb Tauriel!

Then when Gandalf and the Dwarves and Bilbo go to see Beorn, the guy who changes into a bear, they get chased by orcs. Wait, what? something seems wrong here…*scratches head* that’s not how it happened in the book. Oh, and also they get chased by Beor himself, in the form of a bear, and they get into his house and locks him out. In the book, Gandalf introduces them by twos to Beorn (while he is in his human form.) in hopes that it won't seem like so many people, rather than seeing them all at once, and it looking like a handful. It’s rather funny how Tolkien did it in the book. They RUINED it in the movie. It could have made the movie You’d have to read it, because I can’t find the book to write it down for you. Sorry. Better luck next time! ;)

And the dwarves don’t even get captured by the elves for spoiling their parties. They got captured by them because…well, I don’t rightly know. Bilbo saves the dwarves from the spiders webs of which he was wrapped from top to bottom yet somehow or another (???) he frees himself; he was merely supposed to be sleeping, along with the dwarves when he wakes up only to find himself being wrapped up by a gigantic spider, and the dwarves already wrapped up themselves; it had gotten up to about his knees by the time he woke up. In the movie he was completely wrapped up. So then he some how or another gets to his sword...while all wrapped up in sticky spider web (???) and then he kills the spider. And in the book, he puts his ring on so that the other spiders can't see him and taunts the spiders by calling them names they hate to be called. (Ugh. They didn’t do that in the movie, either.) In the movie, neither he, nor the dwarves were sleeping. He was climbing a tree to try to see the end of the forest, when he fell out of the tree and gets wrapped up by a spider.

Oh, and in the movie, while Bilbo is at the top of the tree, he could see to the end of the forest. He was NOT supposed to be able to see to the end of. But he did.

Anyway, back to the spiders. And the after the dwarves kill most of the spiders, along come Legolas and Tauriel and some other elves, and they kill the remaining spiders and for some reason take the dwarves prisoners.

Yes, they actually stayed right to the book on the part that Bilbo put on his ring…and, well, got left behind like he was supposed to!

When they escape from the elves in the barrels, their heads are sticking out, i.e, there are no lids on the barrels like there's supposed to be, and they’re fighting orcs (???) and so are the elves (???) who weren’t even supposed to know the dwarves were escaping in the barrels, but they did! (???)

And then Bard, who lets the dwarves stay with him after escaping the elves has three children, which he’s not supposed to have. But that's really not the worst thing, I reckon.

For right now, that’s all I can think of. You probably think that after all of this negativity from me, I detested the movie. You’re right, and all at the same time, you are wrong. Let me explain:
I hated it when I compare it to the book. As Laura pointed out, they rushed through the actual parts that happened in the book. They added way too much, and took away way too much. That annoys me. They barely stayed to Tolkiens book at all.

But I found it quite fun and exciting when I did not think of it as J.R.R. Tolkiens the Hobbit, but Peter Jacksons the Hobbit. Sarah heard someone in the theater say ‘that wasn’t Tolkiens book, that was Peter Jacksons movie.’ I agree.

Christopher Tolkien, J Tolkiens son, didn’t like The Lord of the Rings movie—how much more would he dislike The Hobbit movie!

All I can do to this movie they call ’the Hobbit’ which they also say is based on J.R.R. Tolkiens book, is shake my head and click my tongue and lament for poor Jackson and his FAILURE to make the hobbit, a wonderful, epic, exciting book, into a movie. Or, as Emma said ‘instead of saying three cheers, then just do three face palms’ so we all did three face palms.

Laura and William and Emma and Sarah all HATED it, whether comparing it to the book or not. They certainly didn’t recommend it to pa and ma when they asked if they would like it….;)

Oh, and did I mention that Tolkien wrote this as a childrens book? Although I liked the fighting scenes, they're not exactly fit for little children. Peter Jackson changed what was supposed to be a childrens book into a rather semi-violent (you might say) movie. My parents didn't even think that my nine (nearly ten) year old brother could go because it was too...well, violent, I suppose.

I do want to watch the next one, (the last) to be honest, that will be coming out. And I’d wouldn’t mind re-watching the other two. But it is, I tell you, way, way, way too far away from J.R.R Tolkiens ‘The Hobbit’. And they are making the Hobbit, as long or longer than LOTR. Tolkien made LOTR into three books, but he didn't make the hobbit into three books, and yet Jackson is breaking the Hobbit into three parts, each about three hours long.

Are you insulted by what I've said? Offended? Well get a load of this: I'm offended, insulted, and mad at PJ.

Watch the Hobbit movies and read the book. You will notice the vast difference between the two...