I step out of the room, hoping that his eyes follow me, but I can feel that they don't. I shut myself into the bathroom, and pace back and forth quietly. I grip my head, and feel the butterflies rustle in my stomach.
Why is it so hard? We were talking this morning on the phone, why am I having such a hard time finding words?
I sigh, and then relieve myself. Walking out of the bathroom, I walk back into the room, averting my eyes to the table.
Stop that! Look at him you idiot! I look up from my plate and meet his eyes. I smile quickly and look back down at the half eaten burger. Pathetic! You're making this far more big a deal than it should be. Just look up and talk to him... just look up and talk to him.
I open my mouth but I'm cut off by my sister beside me, talking about some movie she's looking forward to. I sigh again and take a bite of my burger, the taste of the meat disappearing as I chew slowly and thoughtfully, inwardly beating myself up for my silence. I've spent all this time hoping to see him, and talk to him, now I'm looking at my food and remaining silent! What does he think? Does he think I'm trying to ignore him? Is he disappointed? Why doesn't he say anything? Maybe I should wait for him to say something... No! I've got to speak up
"Are you sure you don't want to eat anything?" I ask looking up.
He looks up from his cell phone in his lap, I see my words processing through his brain, his expressive beautiful large eyes wide with thought. He shakes his head and frowns dismissively, "Nah, I'm good."
Try again! "Positive?"
He grins, sending a jolt of butterflies and longing through me, "Yes, positive."
"Leave him alone," my mom says playfully, she sends me a look of annoyance. I silence myself, the smile I didn't realize was on my face melting. "So, how's your break been?"
He sighs, and shifts positions in his chair, "Good, I haven't done much."
I take the opportunity to burst in, "What do you do most of the time, anyways?"
"You know," he says smiling, "Sit around, play video games, hang out with friends."
"Do you have anything planned for this weekend?" I ask, curiously.
He shrugs, "I'm not sure. Maybe."
I shake my head, "Always the man with the plan."
He grins.
"Do you have anything planned for tonight?" My mom asks, "I know you said you couldn't stay long."
"I'm meeting my cousins downtown," he glances at me at the end of his sentence, looking for my reaction. His eyes, their so big, so full of emotion, but what kind of emotion? He looks at me, as if for approval.
"Oh really?" my mom takes a bite of her burger and looks at me.
Say something fast! "Oh? Where downtown?"
He shrugs, looking down at his phone, which flashes. "I don't know, they said they'd text me the address."
"Well..." I try to rephrase my question for a better result, "I meant, like, is it a store, or..."
"Oh, no, it's some..." his voice fades slightly as he responds to something on his phone. I try to control the annoyance and jealousy that starts to invade my brain and emotions. "bar, or club."
"Oh, I see..." It's just a bar, he does that all the time, no need to feel so jealous! Stop it! Stop it!
My mom gives me a "go on" look, and I struggle to think of something to say.
"That's fun..." Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic! Where's a wall? No! I can't hit my head against the wall, not while every ones watching. What am I thinking? I shouldn't hit my head against the wall anyways. What should I say? Ugh! I have to say something! "So... how are your cousins?"
He looks up with a little surprise. I can see him thinking for a minute, not sure what to say. I know how much his cousins annoy him, but how he's afraid to say anything to them because of their tempers.
"Their crazy, but doing okay, I guess."
Please say something, anything... just ask a question... or something! I look over at my mother helplessly.
She steps in, calling across the table to my father whose in his own world, eating his burger contentedly. "How was your day, honey?"
****

Him: Just got home!
Me: Thanks! Thank you for coming over! I really wanted to see you, and even though we didn't have much time to talk, I still enjoyed seeing you! Sorry if I seemed... distant or awkward, sometimes I don't know how to act around you, and it's hard to find words. Thank you for coming, and finding the time to come over even though today was a busy day for you! I loved seeing you! Goodnight! Sleep well! I love you :D
Him: Thanks a lot! I love you too and goodnight! And don't be sorry.
Me: Thanks :D goodnight!
Him:You too!
****
several days afterward

Me: What are you Doing?
Him: Playing video games!
Me: :P so did you not end up watching a movie?
Him: No didn't go
Me: :( I'm sorry! Are you playing video games with friends or cousins?
Him: No by myself
Me: :(
Him: No reason to be sad
Me: Well you have me... Though at 1am I'm not the best company... :P and I make no sense when I talk... And I'm crazy... Actually you might not want to have me to keep you company :P haha!
Him: Haha you crazy don't say that. You need to sleep
Me: I do! But I can't! Whenever I try I can't stop thinking about you, it's driving me crazy! And my grandfather is still snoring!!!
Him: Hahaha why you think about me
Me: I don't know! I don't have very good control of my thoughts, so I don't really have a choice! :P plus I have all this free time to think... When the rest of the day has been loud and busy, and when I think, I think of you... Unreasonably! It's not that their bad thoughts... Or I don't like it, it's just that when it's 3am and I'm still thinking about you it gets really tiring. It's pretty much a nightly thing, and so, it's really tiring!!!
Him: But why me lol
Me: Why you what?
Him: Thinking about me. You don't think about someone else
Me: No...Well... Sometimes I think about family... I think about you because I'm obsessed with you (if that wasn't obvious before) and because every time I see you I feel happy and excited and nervous and scared and hopeful and silly and serious all at once!!!
Him: Oh *goodness :P
Me: I know!!! That's what I say!
Him: Haha crazy
Me: Yes! You drive me crazy! And you don't even do anything, which drives me crazy even more!!! :P Let's talk about something else (so that I don't start hitting my head against the wall :P)! Like something really boring so that I fall asleep!
Him: I wouldn't do anything?! What do you want me to do
Me: What do you mean? I think you read it wrong! :P
Him: I don't know, you said that I don't even do anything.
Me: I meant... You don't... Oh goodness! You don't do anything that should encourage me to feel this way! That's what I mean! You are just nice and sweet and you... It's all me! That's what I'm saying! You could just be sitting there looking at me and I would have butterflies! That's what I'm trying to say!!! Gosh!!! Haha!
Him: No it's all me actually not you
Me: What do you mean?
Him: I don't know I just said that.
Me: Haha! If you're trying to sound heroic and gentlemanly it's not working:P but it's cute! Haha!
Him: Haha oh *goodness
Me: Stop! I can't laugh out loud right now! People are sleeping :P Haha!
Him: Okay I'll stop
Me: Haha! But seriously! It's all me and my crazy imagination and crazy habit for falling in love too easily!!!
Him: Hahaha I'm crazy too, that's fine,
Me: I'm crazier than you :P
Him: Yeah a little bit
Me: Hahaha! LOL! You aren't suppose to agree :P haha!
Him: Well I have to lol
Me: Hahaha! Yeah....
Him: Haha okay you need to sleep now.
Me: I do...
Him: I don't want you to get tired.
Me: Thank you <3 I'll try! Goodnight! I love you! Sleep... sometime? Haha! Thank you for talking with me! I enjoyed it... even though it was embarrassing at times :P goodnight! Goodnight! Goodnight!!!
Him: Haha love you too! And goodnight.

7:46AM

Me: Goodmorning!
Him: Good morning :O you didn't sleep :(
Me: I did sleep! I just woke up!
Him: Whatever
Me: Haha!
Him: That wasn't enough
Me: Agreed! But I'll be sleeping in the car ;) ttyl, eating breakfast! Go to bed!!!
Him: Okay. My turn now.
Me: Exactly! Haha! Sleep well <3
Him: I will.

****

I bite my lip checking my phone again. He hasn't texted this morning and the day before we didn't talk much. Did our conversation make him feel awkward?
His answers have been short. I know what he said before, that he just doesn't know what to say... but why?I wish he would say something, I know we're both busy... it is the weekend? Maybe he's just been out with friends... Goodness! Am I ever going to rid myself of this constant worrying?
I turn back to looking at his picture, and I smile, feeling giddy. I sigh and shove my phone away quickly. This is pathetic! I'm ridiculous! This is just not healthy! I've got to stop!!!

****

I sigh for the millionth time and finally finish the inward argument with myself.
But I can't stop loving him I nod and then roll my eyes at myselfTalk about cheesy