I watched my shadow falling on the pavement. It was strangely still…shoulders sagging. My footsteps echoed down the street as my feet came in contact with the hard ground. A shiver ran all the way through me. It was cold for September.
The night seemed darker than ever before, somehow. The streetlights seemed dimmed, and they swam around in pools before my eyes. Was I crying? There was a dull ache coming from somewhere inside of me. It throbbed along with my heartbeat. My eyes wandered about the dirty streets before me, searching for something… I did not know what. Something…anything to get rid of this terrible emptiness! Something cold and dark had wrapped itself about my heart. Gripping so tightly, I thought I couldn’t breath. It was choking me, pulling me down… a long way down… into an eternity of darkness. This wasn’t right! I struggled through the churning waters inside me. My world as I had known it had been pulled painfully down, piece by piece. All I had tried to convince myself of was miles away. Everything I used to have, I found was empty. Nothing I, or anyone else could say, would change it. Reality hit me hard. I found myself longing for something I never thought I knew existed. Was it the memory from so long ago of my father when he had been around, holding me on his lap, his arms wrapped protectively around me? Yes, I could remember… or was it only another desire for knowing something good. For feeling that security. I needed it now.
Took another turn, down another long and dark alleyway. The noise of the silence pressed down on me till I fell to my knees. They hit the ground sharply.
It was damp and lonely. Those voices were very strong right then. Speaking of lies, hissing of despair. Strange mixed visions of a suffering dying man on a cross, besieged my mind. It was terrifying, and I pushed it away. My hand, groping, brushed across something wet. I lifted it, and found droplets dripping down my arm. Where they ran, they left dirty streaks. I looked to the ground, and found a large circle of water before me. A puddle from the rain. Was it raining now? Was that what was pelting me with cold knives? The puddle shivered when I touched it, making everything unclear. But when it stilled, I saw my face. My face, staring back at me. My eyes held a shallow depth. Longing screamed from them. The streetlight blinded me with its reflection. I could not bare it anymore. I turned away, sickened.
Something made me get up again. A rush of something pushing me forward. Was it a memory? Yes... something unclear. But it was a memory. A memory of a feeling. I was loved once, by someone. By the girl at the cashier who smiled and said "God bless your day". By the guy who had stopped at the edge of the road to fix my car when it broke down. Strange I should remember them... There had to be a source to their love. I, for one, knew I had none to spare.
Stumbling on, I let my feet lead me. Something large loomed up before me. I looked and saw a steeple standing up tall against the grey sky. The doors in front of me could have been standing open for all of the welcome I felt. My hand gripped the cold handle, and I pulled with my feeble strength. The door opened, spilling a warm delicious light over my face. For a moment I stood, hardly breathing. I could feel it. The trembling of something so great, so amazing… so close. The warmth and light were inviting… but there was something more beyond them… I knew needed it. Turning my face, I looked back on the path on which I had come. A glance at it stiffened me. I turned back, and felt myself thawed. I knew which way I would go. But this was huge. So large, in fact, that I had to waste a moment to collect myself. Part of it seemed to be still stumbling along in the dark alley behind me. I trembled at the thought of a step so big. Would it shatter me to take it? Or would I find myself whole once again? I had to admit I was wrong. And I had been wrong... this whole long life of mine. Somehow I knew. But it killed to admit it.
I had to give love. Did I have that? I had to surrender the only thing I had. My life.
With a plunge, I stepped into the light, and let the door behind me close against the darkness. For a dreadful moment, I was alone. It was neither dark, nor light. I could not see… maybe it was the light that was blinding me, or the darkness covering me? The throbbing quickened; I did not feel, and yet it hurt. I caught my breath, feeling as though someone had dared steal it away.
And then, that dreadful in between was over. My heart was no longer throbbing. Something warm was slowly washing through it…through me. Something peaceful… beautiful… touched me, wrapping me up. Somehow, I felt light as air. The thing that had seemed so large, such a big sacrifice to surrender, seemed so pitifully small. My life was no longer hard to give... but it was hard to have nothing more. I lifted it up though, and held it outstretched in my dirty hands. The mess that I saw there shamed me, and I let it go. It went plunging to the ground, crashing into millions of pieces on the floor. Part of me died. The part that had been killing me. Walking closer to the source of my joy and wholeness, I fell to my knees. My eyes filled with tears. I wasn't grieving for something gone. I was rejoicing over something found. And though it was for different reasons, in different centuries, there, just like He had done, I wept.

(John 11:35) "Jesus wept"