Waiting For You

Submitted by Susannah on Mon, 12/30/2013 - 03:08

I’m waiting for you,
You told me you’d come.
And I’ll keep on waiting
‘Til this world is gone.

I’m waiting for you,
In this cold, dark place.
Hoping by chance
I will see your bright face.

I’m waiting for you,
Though the hours grow long.
But I must keep waiting
And singing this song.

I’m waiting for you,
My head in my hands.
It’s sure getting harder
I don’t understand.

I’m crying so quietly,
Thinking of you.
And I feel the pain
As my heart breaks in two.

I sigh and get up,
And brush myself down.
If you won’t come save me,
Then I’m on my own.

Then I hear you whisper,
‘My love, can’t you see?
I’ll find you and save you.
Wait for me.’

Waiting for you,
I’ll try to be strong.
Meanwhile, my love,
Come.

I close my eyes,
And I’m in your arms.
I don’t doubt anymore,
That you’ll come.

I don’t know how long
And I don’t know when,
But you hold me close,
And then……..

You lift my chin,
Look into my eyes,
You wipe off a tear,
And say, ‘please don’t cry.’

‘I told you I’d come,
And now here I am.
And I promise that I’ll
Never leave you again.’

Author's age when written

Genre

Poetry

Comments

Tue, 12/31/2013 - 16:46

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I like it! There were some

I like it! There were some rhythm problems, especially towards the middle and the end, but with some polishing I think that this would be really good!

"You were not meant to fit into a shallow box built by someone else." -J. Raymond

Lucy Anne

Wed, 01/01/2014 - 22:18

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At first this reminded me of God, then of your story. But you didn't say anything about it in your notes section, so I don't think so. I like the rhyme. Changing the rhythm is definitely acceptable, but it depends on what type of poem you're writing. ie. Free-verse

If this was free-verse, it is definitely acceptable, but if you wanted it to have a particular rhythm, you could probably find it. Do you know what I mean? You probably can see or know that I'm not much of a poet, though.

Keep writing, because I enjoy seeing what you are going to write about next.

"It is not the length of life, but the depth of life." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Madeline

Thu, 01/02/2014 - 02:04

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This has a really nice,

This has a really nice, lovely tone. Most of it flowed really well, aside from a few places.

Then I hear you whisper,
‘My love, can’t you see?
I’ll find you and save you.
Wait for me.’

On that last line, you need another one or two syllables. "Please wait for me" or "Just wait for me" is an example of how you could do this.

The rest of the stanzas through the last two will need some tweaking if you want it to have a steady rhythm. If not, this is still good. It's a wonderful poem. :) Good job!