WATCH WHERE YOU STEP
Fifteen year old Mackenzie was living in Germany after her parents death, but until their passing, she had lived in America. Her parents had been wealthy, and she inherited a large sum of money, as well as an old manor, five hundred years old. This manor was in Germany, and Mackenzie had never seen it before; her parents had only been there once. It was owned by her father's family for centuries, and it was always to be passed down. Now it was Mackenzie's turn to inherit it.
Upon stepping on the threshold before entering the Manor's gate, she felt a strange queasiness inside of her. She held the old key to the gate in her hand, and slowly slipped it into the key hole, not heeding the warnings inside of her. The courtyard was crumbling; where there was once a fountain bubbling with mirth, all that was left was a ruined stone circle. Yet another gate, and again, a queasiness began to settle inside of her, but all the same, she unlocked this gate too.
Before her stood the manor, four stories high. It looked old and mysterious, as if some secret hovered above it, or something was ready at any given moment to jump out and settle on it's prey. Mackenzie thought these things, but she still paid no heed to the warnings. She boldly walked upto the great doors and cleared away the cobwebs, presently getting to the keyhole. As she was putting the key into the lock, a voice behind her said,
"Watch where you step, my pretty lass."She spun round and saw no one, and figured she was only imagining it. She presently unlocked the door, and the door creaked open, she saw what looked like a face in front of her, rotting and decaying. She was about to run out when it said, "watch where you step, pretty lass. Watch where you step!"
Mackenzie rushed out the door, and got to the fountain ruins, and was going to keep going, but something caught her eye. She looked at the ruins of the fountain, and picked up an old piece of paper that said,
'Watch where you step, pretty lass. Watch where you step!'
She was so frightened she could barely breathe; she was determined to let nothing catch her eye again but when she got to the first gate, it closed, and on a plaque on the gate it said,
Pretty lassy, watch where you step.
Mackenzie tried opening the gate, but it was useless, and however hard shetried, she could not open it.
The last words Mackenzie saw before she left this world to go to the heavens were,
Pretty lassy, watch where you step.
Comments
AHHH!
How aweful! LOL! But wonderful, fantastic writing! It sounded very perfessional! Well done! Very well done! This should go into that half minute horror book!
"Here's looking at you, Kid"
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Write On!
Wow! Thanks, Kassady!! Thanks
Wow! Thanks, Kassady!! Thanks so much!! :D
I just sat down and wrote it, and I liked it, so I posted it :D
Thanks! :D
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths
P.S
Go to my blog and follow it: Sarahanneandrews.wordpress.com
:) for my sake, follow
:)
This is a really good story but you should really work on your grammar. You had a few incorrect past tenses, missing punctuation marks, and in the first paragraph, you said "parents death" instead of, "parent's death". Also, when you write diagolue, you must capitalize the first word after the quotation marks. Besides all these grammar errors, I have just one critism for this story. You described everything so well in the beginning until suddenly,you said that she couldn't unlock the gate and thus, she died. I don't get how she died just because she couldn't unlock a gate. Did that voice strike her dead? Did she get herself stuck in the gate while trying to open it? What happened? You didn't explain or give any reason why she would leave this world. Maybe you want to keep it a secret. But there are other ways to do it. You could at least warn us that she's going to die by saying like, "As sudden like a hummingbird races away, she was struck in the head and the last words Mackenzie saw were..."
Just because I have listed so many things that are wrong in this story doesn't mean that I don't like it, Sarah. I really think it's captivating and I love the mystery of it.
--Megan
"It is not the length of life, but the depth of life." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Interesting...
Interesting...
I suppose this wasn't really an emotional piece, so I didn't feel tied to the character. I probably should have been sad when she died, but since I didn't know her, I wasn't. (Don't worry--this isn't necessarily a bad thing; I do it all the time!) It was very blunt. Which I liked.
A part two with more explanation would be wonderful!!! :D Also, I wanted to add that since you first joined the site, your writing has improved by leaps and bounds. I noticed a huge difference in your writing style, word choice, and it was really polished.
Can't wait to have more from you!! Great job.
-Homey :-)
Megan: Thank you, I NEED as
Megan: Thank you, I NEED as MUCH correction in writing as I can get ;) And I guess it was supposed to be more mysterious about her death :) I might could think of something, though :) Thanks a lot for your comment! :D
Homey: Thanks so much! That was a very nice comment and very aprecciated :D
Thanks y'all again! :D
~Sarah
ACH!! On my sisters account....:P
I like your story! Very
I like your story! Very cute!
Love Hannah