I don't remember when I wrote this, but I found it on my Google Docs :) So, yeah.
We are looking into the life of a beautiful young lady; she is just barely sixteen, having just celebrated her birthday. Her name is Rosetta, she has green eyes, red hair as fiery as the sun, and fair, pink skin. Before she was born, her parents had wished for a little baby; they wished that her skin would be as beautiful as a rose, her hair as fiery as the sun, and her eyes as green as the grass. They wished this for many years, and they often cried, for no beautiful babe came to them. But one day, the housemaid was plucking a fair, pink rose that was seated on the greenest grass, right underneath the warm, red sun. She plucked the rose, and gave it to the lady of the house, who had wished so long for a child. And she sniffed the delicate rose, and then, out of the rose, came a little fairy. And she said to the lady, “Whatever you wish for, it shall be granted.”
The lady was so overcome with joy, that she immediately wished for the child of her dreams. The fairy disappeared, and the lady was sad at first, thinking that her wish was not granted. But in due time, the lady gave birth to a beautiful child, more beautiful than she had expected. Her red hair, soft pink skin and green eyes were so bright and beautiful that she was hard to look upon, but the lady and her husband could not stop looking at her. They looked at her all day, and neither slept, nor ate, nor drank. For the babe was their first baby, and as beautiful as could be.
But at last the lady cried aloud,
“I cannot look at the child anymore! She must go far away. I cannot stop looking at her!”
The babe’s eyes twinkled, and the mother kissed her forehead softly, and spoke quietly in her ear,
“My babe, my babe! Why must I have been so concerned that you be the most beautiful? Ah, my babe! My babe!” She wept, and a puddle of tears soon reached the floor.
For, all her life, she had wished for a baby, and wanted the baby to be the most beautiful, and now she must give up her child. She asked her husband if he might build a house for Rosette, that she might stay there, and live there; and that they might go and visit her sometimes. And he consented, and left to build it; and he came home, weary and tired, and his neck hurt, and he looked upon the child, and she laughed, and he felt better. They soon realized that this babe was not only the most beautiful, but she had the power of healing just by looking at her. Yet all the same, the woman brought her child to the house, and laid her in a cradle, and left her, weeping. The child grew in beauty and in kindness as she grew older. But she never went near another human except her parents, and thought them the only other people in the world, besides herself. But one day, when she was sixteen, she was sweeping the doorstep and heard hooves; and not knowing the sound, she ran inside frightened by what it might be. She peered through the window, and saw a very handsome prince sitting atop something, some strange creature she knew nothing of. But she was so surprised at seeing another human, that she did not take into account that he was looking in the window at her. His eyes were glued to the young lady inside the house. And suddenly more people had come, and when she noticed them, she nearly screamed. Then she heard a soft knock on her door; she opened it, and in front of her stood the prince, dressed in the finest clothes, and he was the handsomest person she had ever seen. And her parents had never told her about how to greet a royalty, for she had been secluded from all the world her whole life. The prince walked slowly up to her, and said,
“Don’t be afraid, most beautiful one! I am only a humble prince, seeking an abode.”
She looked him up and down.
“What kind of creature are you? I thought you were a human! What kind of creature is a prince?”
she asked, almost frightened. “And what kind of creatures are those with you? Are they prince creatures too?”
The prince looked at her, and immediately all the anger left him, and he told her all about princes, and their power and that he, too, was a human! He explained everything about the world, and about all the different types of people, and Rosetta was astounded and amazed that there were actually other people in the world. He asked her to marry him, and she consented, and they went away to the palace, and lived happily ever after!
The End
I was 12ish when I wrote this
Comments
Nice!
Very nice story! I like it! :)
"Even if the sun crashes into earth, I won't let go, I won't let go. I can be your light, stay with me tonight, I won't let go, I won't let go."
Several things: First, you
Several things:
First, you use both past tense and presence. It's best to stick with one or the other, otherwise it creates confusion. I prefer the use of the past tense, but that's just a preference.
Second, you make new paragraphs where there shouldn't be a split, and you have some overly long paragraphs. I think that you should split the first paragraph up into two, and the long middle one into several. The times that you created a new paragraph when you shouldn't have are generally when you start a sentence by saying who said this, then you create a new paragraph, and continue on in the next paragraph to give what that person said. For example:
The babe’s eyes twinkled, and the mother kissed her forehead softly, and spoke quietly in her ear,
“My babe, my babe! Why must I have been so concerned that you be the most beautiful? Ah, my babe! My babe!” She wept, and a puddle of tears soon reached the floor.
That would all be one paragraph. One thing to remember is that a paragraph always ends with the end of a sentence, not a comma.
Third, the ending was very abrupt. I too have ended things abruptly, so you are not alone.
I do encourage you to fix the first two things, and, if you are still interested in this story, to also add to the ending.
Overall, I like the story
"My greatest wish for my writing is that it would point you to the Savior."
:)
This is a sweet story, Sarah. I think Arthur covered most of the things I wanted to say. Yet I have two more corrections.
She peered through the window, and saw a very handsome prince sitting atop something, some strange creature she knew nothing of.
The comma before "some" should be a semi-colon. Also, I didn't know that the prince was angry at all until you said so. If he was angry, then his dialogue must sound angry.
But overall, this is sweet and cute! :)
"It is not the length of life, but the depth of life." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Thanks all of you! :) Right
Thanks all of you! :) Right now, I really don't have any time at all to edit it. And I appreciate all the nice comments and corrections :)
And Megan, about the angry part, I think somehow, maybe it got deleted? Idk.
~Sarah
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths
P.S
Go to my blog and follow it: Sarahanneandrews.wordpress.com
:) for my sake, follow
The first half of this story
The first half of this story felt like a Hans Christian Andersen fairytale. :) The ending was cute.
I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief
Thank you Anna! :D Thanks a
Thank you Anna! :D Thanks a lot!! :D
~Sarah
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths
P.S
Go to my blog and follow it: Sarahanneandrews.wordpress.com
:) for my sake, follow
:)
This is really sweet. ;) I laughed when I read her comment about princes. :)