The Magician of Iglis, Chapter Two - Of Strange Occurences

Submitted by Sarah Anne on Tue, 10/30/2012 - 23:31

TELL ME IF I'M BORING YOU ;) And thanks for all the nice comments and suggestions/forgot-what-it's called xD I hope you like this chapter! :D

Chapter Two – Of Strange Occurences

I had awoken from my deep slumber -- on the floor. I remember falling off, and purposely staying on the floor. Oh, and did I mention that I never forget any dream I have? I can always tell people my dreams with clarity. By the way, Kya and I had become like sisters, too! Anyways, as I was saying, I awoke from my slumber upon the floor. The cause? Auntie Plummings and Uncle Plummings were coming over today, and it was their knock that had awoken me. I quickly dressed and awoke my "sister" and told her they were here. She, too, quickly dressed and downstairs we went. I opened the door to let them in. No Auntie, no Uncle. I looked down, a package was on the doorstep. I reached down to feel it, was it bulky? Any protruding wires? Is there a return address on it? okay, good. I had learned that in the Safety School; never forgot it .. duh! I was more surprised when I saw that it was addressed to me and Kya! The person who sent it -- their name, I mean -- was M.O.I. Okay.. (I had no idea what it stood for.) I brought it inside, and cautiously unwrapped it. Inside, was another smaller box; quickly opened. We looked inside it, and inside were two small rings, one of which was ruby red, and had a fancy K engraved on the outer part. The other was a sapphire blue (my favorite color, if I had failed to mention that before.) with a fancy J engraved on it. I never did tell you my name, so I shall tell you now. My name is Jessica Lynn Martinez. There, you know it now. We both looked at eachother and raised our eyebrows, (we always did that when we thought something was strange.) All the same, we slipped our gorgeous rings on and in exactly one second and one millisecond later, we were swooshed away from our own world, to another world.
Looking around ourselves, we saw that we were standing in a beautiful garden, and the scent of the delicate flowers tickled our noses. It all smelled so good, and I might not be able to explain it, but I know exactly what it looked like. I shall never forget it. It was the most beautiful garden that I had ever laid my eyes upon. Flowers, that were never seen before, even to the ends of the earth, bloomed there. We looked to see if there was any entrance, any means of leaving the garden. Then, something white and powdery started falling all around me, and I knew it was snowing. Since it had been summer where we lived, we were wearing T-shirts. And it was getting extremely cold outside, I said to Kya,
"Kya -- I don't think we are in Missouri anymore.." (I stole that line, too -- well, sort of.) Kya nodded, and we walked around the garden, it was a huge garden. It seemed like we would never get to the end of it, and when we did; no means of departure. So we decided to turn around and make sure we hadn't missed a door on the other side. We had. Because there, at the very other end, was a small door. Ivy and wild flowers clung to it. I tried it, but it was no use; it would not open. I sighed in disbelief, and I was shivering the dickens out of myself! So was Kya. I searched in my skirt pocket for anything, (not a sweater, mind you. Sweaters don't fit in such tiny pockets.) I knew I did not have anything in there except my cellphone,But that was all. But I looked anyways, and to my surprise, my memory had failed me. I felt cold metal touch my hand, and grasped it. Pulling it out, I saw an old rusting key. I furrowed my eyebrows,
"Kya, my memory never fails me. I did not put this key in here; now I know we are not in Missouri anymore!" (I stole that last part, too.) Kya nodded, and I tried the key in the lock. And to my surprise, it opened! Cautiously, I opened the door; it creaked. I looked beyond the door, through the small crack that was opened. Before me, was a soft white blanket of snow. I opened the door more (though with some difficulty, since snow was piled behind it.), and I stepped out, Kya following me.
"Look, Jess! Just look at all that snow! it is the most snow I have ever seen before." Kya shouted excitedly, I shrugged my shoulders as I watched her make a snow angel. I never did understand how anyone could like snow so much. I hated it and wanted warm weather. But that was me, and my tastes are different I suppose. Then, a few moments later, I had told her that we were to go on, because I was getting very cold. And on we walked, for what seemed like hours and hours. Around what seemed like it must be six in the evening, she stopped and said she simply couldn't go any further. The whole time we had walked, there was nothing in sight, and from where we stood, there was nothing in sight. I sighed, and shivered. I had not the slightest idea what we were going to do, or where we were going to go.

Author's age when written
14
Genre

Comments

I enjoyed this chapter. The change in name was a dramatic improvement.

There was only one real improvement that I think you should make. I felt that their transportation to this new world was somewhat abrupt, and your characters didn't seem to display much fear or even surprise.

Apart from this, there were only a few minor suggestions I could find.

First, in the second paragraph, ninth sentence (not counting the paranthesis as a sentence) you wrote, "...when we did; no means of departure." I think it might be smoother to leave out the semi-colon and replace it with a comma. Maybe: "when we did, we found no means of departure." Of course, it could be just me.

Second, I might divide some of your paragraphs into several smaller paragraphs. It makes an easier read.

And third, (for the sole reason that I need to have three points to everything) in the twelfth sentence, I think that the "because" could be dropped. This is very minor, however. (I had to look carefully in order to come up with this third point).

I look forward to reading more of this story. It definitely has potential to be quite an interesting story.

“D’ye know what Calvary was? What? What? What? It was damnation; and he took it lovingly.”
~John Duncan

Thank you, Ben :) I hope that I can get this edited sometime by someone who knows more about punctuation :/ xD
Thanks a lot! :)
~Sarah

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding.

In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths

P.S
Go to my blog and follow it: Sarahanneandrews.wordpress.com
:) for my sake, follow

I can edit for you over the phone when I get back home. I think it would be a good challenge for me and it will challenge me to really look into punctuation. Especially since I am doing punctuation in Grammar right now. :)

"It is not the length of life, but the depth of life." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks, Megan!! :) That'd be really neat, I'm terrrible at punctuation :/
~Sarah

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding.

In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths

P.S
Go to my blog and follow it: Sarahanneandrews.wordpress.com
:) for my sake, follow

I just got on to reading this. Good improvements! I didn't know you had changed the name, but now it kinda seems to fit. :)

Just a few little things that I thought needed fixing up: In the first paragraph (if it was marked a paragraph) you mentioned a Auntie Plummings and an Uncle Plummings. Since they both have the same name, it would be easier and sounds better to go: Auntie and Uncle Plummings. But that could just be the voice of your character. And I noticed the things Benjamin said as well. Anyways, those were pretty minor too. So, great improvements, and your character (Jessica) is seriously annoying me.

Goodbye? Oh no, please. Can’t we just go back to page one and start all over again?” – Winnie The Pooh

Thank you, Maddi! :D
Jessica does have an annoying character, I'm changing that annoying character more and more :P
Thanks again! :D
~Sarah

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding.

In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths

P.S
Go to my blog and follow it: Sarahanneandrews.wordpress.com
:) for my sake, follow