Tell me if you want to read more! :D I appreciate all the nice comments :D Also, tell me corrections :) And if you can think of a better title, tell me too. Since the main focus is NOT the photographic Memory :)
Chapter One – Kya's Story
Alright, Now I shall tell you about that day. I am not going to bother you by telling you the exact time and date, since my photographic memory probably already annoys you. Let me begin. It was several nights before Christmas Eve, and I was sleeping soundly until I was woken up by Hodges, my little puppy (he was half labrador and half chihuahua. I was quite proud of him, since I had bred him all by myself.) I loved the socks off of him, until that morning. Or, at least, I did not like him for sixteen minutes, five seconds and one millisecond. Anyways, he woke me up at three in the morning, barking his dumb head off. I wanted to bang him on the head with an iron frying pan, but I thought better of it. I went outside, shut the Labchihua up, and came inside to make hot chocolate. That was literally, the best ever hot chocolate that I had tasted. It was so creamy, so hot, so chocolatey and so Christmasy. I decided immediately that I should check the thermometer outside, and determine whether or not I should let Hodges in. Yes, totally. I should. It was 20 below zero. Poor Hodges, it was at that millisecond that I loved him again. I opened the door and let the shivering pup in, and then I thought.
"Now why was Hodges barking?" So, I decided to check outside. My horse, Buckles, was neighing loudly. I looked all around, and I saw a girl standing outside in the snow. I furrowed my eyebrows, cleared my throat and looked at her,
"Ahem." I said as loudly as my voice could go.
"Why, exactly are you standing JUST on the border of our property?" I asked, because I noticed, though there was no line, that it was JUST the border of our property. She looked up at me, pulling her sweater tight around her.
"I thought I WAS on your property." She stated dryly. I smirked,
"what are you doing out here anyways, just standing out in the snow, in twenty below zero degree weather?" I had asked. She looked at me and her eyes fell, I was getting irked quickly.
"I don't have a home." She stated, again dryly. I had kicked the snow behind me in a nervous way, it was then that I realized she did not have shoes on. I looked at her coldly at first, because of the way she had talked to me."
Homeless?" I asked, almost mockingly. She, too, kicked snow behind her. She swallowed,
"Well, what would you do?" she began,
"what would you do if your parents both had been killed, and you did not have any money? What would you do?" she said, tears brimming her eyes.
My heart softened and then I realized what an utter jerk I had been, and immediately told her to come inside. I said,
"I am sorry. I did not know." (yes, I said that. I stole it from my favorite book, The Magicians Nephew.) Her eyes fell again, and she did not reply.
"Hot chocolate?" I asked akwardly.
"Thanks." She said, and I sat her down on my favorite brown hot chocolatey chair. I gave her the drink, and then I asked her if she would like some warm clothing, of course, you know the answer. I then gave her a warm change of clothes, and let her sleep in my room, next to me. I had wondered what my parent's reaction to an utter stranger starting to live with them. But I had the upper hand in the house, mom and dad never held anything away from me. Except the bad things. But otherwise, I got whatever I wanted. I woke up bright and early the next morning, Kya (as I had learned her name.) was sleeping soundly. Here, let me tell you Kya's story, word for word, as she had said it.
“My name is Kya, I am thirteen, and I got my blonde hair from my dad. (she sounded unusually proud about that.) I grew up in North Dekota, and I had three sisters, one of which went off to Harvard and we never heard from her again. My other sister, Millie, she went off to Yale, got married to a rich gentleman named Steve. We only heard from them once a year, and whenever we would try to call, they were never home. So, my third sister -- she was my twin -- she and I both determined to never lose contact with our parents, or eachother. We even had a "ceremony"! (And when Kya said 'ceremony', she did her fingers in a quotation mark.) My sister, when we were both twelve, died in a car accident. My heart really broke, we had both been so close! It was just five months later, on my thirteenth birthday, that both my parents went to get birthday presents for me. They, too, had a car accident, they were hit by a drunk driver. (Kya started crying uncontrollably.) I vowed that if I ever saw the drunk driver out of jail, I would kill him myself, and have my vengence. So, that is all there is about me.”
I had told her how sorry I was about all that happened. She just nodded and I took her upstairs to my room, and we did not talk anymore that night.
Now, I am fifteen -- she is fifteen. We are the same age, not counting the two days, three hours, one minute, four seconds and eight milliseconds apart. I am the elder. Mom took her staying there very well, in fact, she warmly welcomed her. And to this day, Kya still lives with us. We are both going to go to Yale when we are eighteen. that is three years from now, things could change, though. Quickly.
Comments
You do a great job at keeping
You do a great job at keeping in character. It is rare that I can find a first-person story in which I can't find slips in which the author says something out of character. But so far, you've done great.
One thing I might do is to have the parents die of a different death than the death of the sister.
Finally, as Kya closes her story, you forgot to close the quote.
Your story is progressing quite well!
“D’ye know what Calvary was? What? What? What? It was damnation; and he took it lovingly.”
~John Duncan
:)
Some spelling and punctuation mistakes. Please remember to add a apostrophe whenever something is possessive. And make a new paragraph whenever a new speaker is talking. A tip to make correct paragraphs is to check if all the sentences in the paragraph is supporting the topic sentence. Each paragraph must have one topic.
I liked this chapter. Although your main character does annoy me, it makes me want to know more about her. So you are doing a great job with balancing your character. Though I would warn you to write the next chapters carefully. You don't want to send away any readers by not writing carefully to make sure they don't get too annoyed or bored with your character. Post more!
"It is not the length of life, but the depth of life." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Wow!
This is really good :D Poor Kya. I loved all the descriptions (such as kicking snow behind them) and I like the writing style, too. You'd better write more :)
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The best stories are those that are focused, unassuming, and self-confident enough to trust the reader to figure things out. --
http://lauraeandrews.blogspot.com/2014/05/dont-tell-me-hes-smart.html
Wow!
This is really good :D Poor Kya. I loved all the descriptions (such as kicking snow behind them) and I like the writing style, too. You'd better write more :)
*************************************************
The best stories are those that are focused, unassuming, and self-confident enough to trust the reader to figure things out. --
http://lauraeandrews.blogspot.com/2014/05/dont-tell-me-hes-smart.html
Thanks to all of you!! :D I
Thanks to all of you!! :D I really aprecciate all y'alls comments :D
And thanks, Laura! :D YOU COMMENTED!!! =D thanks again and I'll be posting more as soon as I can =D
~Sarah
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths
P.S
Go to my blog and follow it: Sarahanneandrews.wordpress.com
:) for my sake, follow
On the subject of Photographic Memory
If you're just using Photographic Memory as an excuse for why a 1st-person story is so detailed, you don't actually have to do that, and it would seem a little more normal if you didn't. However, if it's going to play a significant plot role where she has to remember a minute detail to do something important (Sherlock Holmes-style), then I would keep it.
Interesting! There's a few
Interesting! There's a few things to fix up. One, there's hardly any paragraphs, or even when somebody is talking. Makes it very hard to read. Second, when the (have you actually said the girls name?) she invites Kya in, I thought they were still standing outside, and you made it sound like they were already inside. Your writing is getting better and better, I can see the improvements. :)
Goodbye? Oh no, please. Can’t we just go back to page one and start all over again?” – Winnie The Pooh