I'm barely holding on. Somedays I feel like I could explain the gospel and what life means and answer any question some confused person might throw at me. But now...no, now all I can do is hold on to what I know, that God is holding on to me. What can I do with all the theology that people throw at me? Oh, it's important, I admit that. But when it undermines your core beliefs, how can you ever be confident and have convictions if you are always second-guessing yourself?
Growing up has been hard. I'm not even there yet and sometimes I wish I could stay like this and yet not have my brain expanded in this way. Wouldn't it be nice to turn your brain off some days and stop puzzling over the mysteries of life? Lessons, ideas, worldviews, opinions, experiences and memories all shove for attention in my mind. I think I will need all of life to mull over them completely and sufficiently.
Why did God make me the way he did? And where do I fit in? You know, this me that God put here. God calls us to be mindful and repenting of our sins, and then we are most conscious of our weaknesses. And then God's strength can be most made perfect. There must be a balance somewhere between living a life of beating yourself for failure and humbling yourself because of weakness. In that place of weakness, relying totally on God's strength, then we find joy. And God gives us peace. How could I ever be peaceful knowing I had to rely on me to live? Banish the thought.
Every descision I make today, and tomorrow and the next will have infinite weight on how my character develops. I try to use my time wisely, but it seems that I am never radical enough to move my stump into world-changing gear. I want to be stacking good bricks on my character house, not tearing the shingles off with poor decisions and wasted moments.
Does life pass by too quickly to have any real meaning? I never seem to have enough time. Should I care? Maybe I just value memories and making them way too much. God sees my preoccupation with them. He knows. My weaknesses. My stregths. That I could not possibly get through this day without his divine intervention. And I don't need Calvin, Wesley, Spurgeon, or Sproul to tell me that. I don't need to over-analyse it and make it into some random fact about God with no meaning. No.
God, "you are my purpose, You're everthing."
Piddling around with details can't be glorifying to Him. Arguing endlessly in circles can't be praiseworthy. Attempting to undermine another's ideas won't bring them closer to Christ. Nope. God can be found in his word. He is radically alive and moving. That is my essence. His power in my weakness and his grace for me.
That is my purpose. My identity. My everything.