Fall

Submitted by Damaris Ann on Mon, 06/15/2015 - 13:40

Red yellow orange brown and gray;
These are not the colors of May.
Leaves and pine needles on trees so tall,
Yes, these are colors of the melting fall.
Some will say it looks dreary and dead.
They wish for cheerier seasons ahead.
This season of colors so serious and warm
Holds promise of tranquility after the storm.
A symbol of death in beauty falling down;
In piles gathered making a crown.
Death to self given for life from above:
So much less than we give for His love.
Beauty for ashes and joy on the 'morrow;
Hate traded for love without selfish sorrow.
Red yellow orange brown and gray,
Shedding a light in the dawn of the day.
Redemption and eternal life was given,
Only for His people chosen, forgiven.
Death purchased the greatest gift of all:
Our reminder of that is the colors of fall.
Brown for the cross and red for the blood,
Yellow and orange for the light from above,
Gray is the color of the stone rolled away;
A symbol of hope for every new day.

Author's age when written
17
Genre
Poetry
Tags
life
God
death
beauty
Sorrow
truth
Notes

I know it's not fall but I write this last night and couldn't resist sharing it. :)

Comments

Kyleigh

Tue, 06/16/2015 - 03:15

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I really love the thoughts in this. :) And the rhythm is great, although there are a few parts where it's slightly off, mostly at the beginning.
I think you should add some commas in the first line, not necessarily after every word, though. I read it
Red/ Yellow / Orange brown / and gray, but that wouldn't be proper commas so I'm not really sure how to write that.
I feel like the second line needs another syllable, and the "yes" should be taken out of the 4th line.
I LOVE 5 and 6. 7 might flow better with a syllable dropped, either the "so" or making ser-i-ous just ser-ious... maybe you already say it that way. Same thing in line 8.
12 needs something more.
15, same as 1.
17 feels off to me, I think because it's a more clearly structured sentence than the rest.

This is really good, and I love what you have to say, and maybe there's an underlying structure I'm missing, but those are just a few thoughts. :)

Damaris Ann

Tue, 06/16/2015 - 22:25

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Thank you, Kyleigh!
No, I'm terrible at rhythm. I hardly ever count syllables, which is bad. So I needed that. :) I'll take a look at it again and see what can be changed. It was one of those middle-of-the-night inspirations that had to be written down right away. :)
Thank you again! I think I always look forward to your comments the most. :)

I don’t thrive off of chaos: chaos thrives off of me.

Wings of Eternity

Wed, 06/17/2015 - 16:54

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Hey Damari! This poem is very, very, lovely! I thoroughly enjoyed it! I agree with a lot of Kyleigh's points and wanted to offer a few suggestions.

For the first and repeated line of the colors, I agree that commas are needed. It does read rather awkward as one line, so I was going to suggest breaking it into two lines. I know that changes the style of the poem, and you might not want to do that. I read the lines like this

"Red, yellow, orange,
brown, and gray;
These are not the colors of May."

If you decide to do something like that, the benefit would be the emphasis placed on the colors simply because it is not in the same format as the rest of the poem.

I would agree with Kyleigh about removing the "Yes" in line 4. I would also suggest rewording the line to adjust the rhythm. Perhaps something like
"These are the colors of melting fall."

These lines also bother me a bit.
"A symbol of death in beauty falling down;
In piles gathered making a crown"
The imagery is beautiful, but the rhythm is off. The second line is the bigger problem I think. I am not sure if "gathered" is the right word and starting off with the word "in" really throws me off. I can't quite put my finger on why these lines bother me (besides the syllable count etc). I also unfortunately can't think of any good suggestion for them either. I wanted to tell you about those two lines though so you can take another look at them.

I really enjoyed this poem a lot, so thank you so much for sharing it!
Also, I have to say that I have not forgotten about your story that I am supposed to be editing. I have been absent for a while on AP again because of some more health issues. I am going to yet another doctor in a few weeks to discuss my options. From what other doctors have told me, I am looking at surgery. I will edit when I can, but if there are long breaks in-between hearing from me, you know why! I don't like giving my word on something and not following through right away, so I wanted to let you know what is going on. Keep on writing!

"Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity." 1 Timothy 4:12

Lucy Anne

Wed, 06/17/2015 - 19:57

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This is so good. I love the different themes of hope and death that you brought up. I love how cheerily this began.
Gray is the color of the stone rolled away;
A symbol of hope for every new day. - I felt like this stuck out...you were talking about for some, fall is deary. Then you say that this "grayness" is simply hope and anticipation for the next season! Maybe you meant it differently, but that was something I did not think about before.
I love fall, though.

"It is not the length of life, but the depth of life." Ralph Waldo Emerson