**PLEASE SEE NOTES BEFORE READING**

Also, I'm going to provide occasional commentary. Because I'm pretentious, and I like to amuse myself.
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thirteen
6-17-13

I don’t know
I wish would you’ve asked me
I’d have told you I didn’t
If you just would’ve asked me

Velvet soft on my cheek
Which is flushed because it’s hot in here
This room which I’m too lazy to leave
My eyes are glued to the screen
Hand gripping the remote
Waiting to see what’ll happen
Sort of feels like third-person
Like I’m hovering above myself
Longing for the moment when I turn the television off,
Get up and make something of my day
I really wish I had to the strength to
At least I can pretend
That I might

This bubbling, festering sickness
It likely to send me over the edge
I grip my stomach with my hand and dig
My fingers into the soft skin
Sheltered by a thin layer of fabric
Which without
I’d be painfully bare
Although already I feel like
I’m getting there

You like to act like you don’t care
But inexplicably instead of running today
You walked just in case they happened to be looking outside
And you ask yourself—is that me attempting to hide?
Who knows?
Not even you.

Windows rattling like your hands
Rattled that day he found you
And you him
Gripping the edge of a plush armchair
You fell back off the edge
It was just a small slip
But he saw
Because he was looking at you
And your cheeks turned red
“Sorry for my awkwardness”
Was your awkward apology
But he didn’t seem to mind
In the least

Breathing faster, faster still
While you try to climb uphill
And lean forward, grip your knees, pray
You’ll make it to the top someday

Panic moment
Your hypochondriac ways
Often prevent you from
Continuing on with your day
Until — until —
you check to make sure he’s okay

Hm, wouldn’t you like a love like that
The kind you read in books
That you lie awake taking in with
Wide eyes
Dreaming about the day
All of this happens to you
But with who?
God, who knows
It could be light years away
But the nice thing is
You’re not in any extreme hurry
Not really

In the general scope of things
You can look ahead to sixteen in the summer
But then after you don’t know
Where you’re going to get a job
And if you really want to start college classes early
And driving sounds fun, but, like — when?
Is it true that you only have a few,
Short months of childhood left?
I guess that decision is up to you
But it’s not one
You’re quite ready
to make
In the scope of things

I can point to all the places on a map
Where I want to go someday
And they all (darn it)
Require me to hop on a plane
So I better start saving
And hope that I get a good pilot
(how blase of me)
(not)

fourteen
6-17-13

Sometimes
I’m left wanting
Today was one of those days
When I stood at the sink
Dishes in hand
And thought—why didn’t I
And why did I almost cry
When I tripped earlier
It’s no big deal
But it seemed like one

It’s not something I’m
Accustomed
To dealing with
This. This is new
Crushes coming out of mouths
And declarations that make me squirm
So then I say to him
“Be her friend
And worry about the rest later”

It is navy blue and beautiful
I imagine myself bedecked
In those high-heels hiding in my closet
And hose, maybe
So my legs will look smoother
And I’ll be smooth
As I drift backstage
But then my vision changed
And suddenly he was talking to an unnamed face
Not me
Like I hope someday he will

Springs of soft cotton hair
Anime in its own way
A smiling face and overflowing cheeks
Deep, dark eyes and a
Welcome smile
A soft, “Hey”
Surrendering in sighs to sleep

She was sitting on the couch with the others
A month ago or so
Leaning forward, bracing against
The anger sure to come
And sure, yes, sure enough
It did, with white-hot force
And she tried to be strong for the sake of her pride
But strength; it never works

Peach dress down to her knees
A striped tanktop peeking out from underneath
Grey converse tap against the pavement
As she skips back to the door
At a soaring speed
And she thinks
Is this what it’s like to truly be happy?
Because she finds herself having a barrage of these moments
Making dinner in the kitchen and
Dancing crazy to Taylor Swift
Not caring if her brothers see

He's Offering A Smile, I Think I'll Take It
10-27-13

My silent solace is his smile
On those longing days
I want to reach across the borders
Skim my fingers the whole wide way

The water he stood in would be cold I imagine
His boots would suck down deep in the sand
My feet might tread lighter than his I imagine
I can already feel the warmth of his hand

His grin would be bright and mine would be beaming
Love would stretch across short miles
Oh, what a joy pretending can be
Oh, how he brings me a smile

I think I'll take it
How can I not
Though it will fade later
I think I'll take it

He's Kind of Everything, In Addition to Nothing
11-12-13 (hey, kind of cool)

Well there he is again
Unearthed from the farthest corners of my brain
Today he has another ridiculous thing to say
He's still so good today

I don't know where to put him after he's come back
He doesn't seem to fit into reality
And even though I try and I try and well try
I cannot seem to make him fit me

Well maybe I'm too tall for him
Well maybe I'm too wide
Well maybe he's too tall for me
Well maybe he's too good to hide

But what I really think when I stand back
Take a picture of my dream
In the real world he may be nothing
But in mine he's everything

small enough
10-22-13

She was small compared to him
She liked that
She always wanted it
Was a rule of hers
As long as he was bigger than her
Then everything would be okay
But it pained her to know that
Although she felt small
Her hand in his
She still wasn't small enough
To satisfy him

(Commentary: I have no idea what this is.)

Shutting Doors
11-5-13

Shutting Doors

"You're a brilliant writer"
We stood right by my Dad
Those words felt far more intimate
Than they probably should have

My stomach dropped down to my feet
I felt it in my soles
I built my walls back up around me
As quickly as I could

We said goodbye I said again
That he was good as well
I was shaky, I felt uneven
I'd broken a bit of his shell

But the problem lies
In the fact that I
Don't like him like that
I couldn't bring it back

For anyone but
You know, the ones out of reach
I write about them a lot
The ones that will never know me

Yet here was one who knew me
Saying words that felt like more
I hope I read too much into it
Just in case I'm shutting doors

And perhaps this is turning keys
Before he's had a chance
But I can't bring myself to like someone
From whom I'm so drastically different

So I'll leave it at that
You say just a friend
I hope this is both
Where it begins and it ends

building bridges
11-11-13

bend over the bridge
build it back
you can always repair
broken things
except when someone else beat you to it
their way

human eyes
11-11-13

he had human eyes

sometimes i'd look at him and he'd be
staring back
with this look on his face like he knew everything
he knew what you meant when you said it
he knew
and sometimes I'd look at him and he'd stare at me
wanting, longing for comfort
i didn't ever remember that
also sometimes he'd do this little dance
he did it yesterday
today
for us and he made us laugh
this one time i wrapped my arms around him and held him close
i comforted him he was such a baby
i wrapped my arms around him and he'd come home
i'd never seen a dog with those before

but life can be tragic
his life was tragic
and happy
and tragic

he had those human eyes

Their Parade
11-19-13

We are one
You dropped the facade
We now live in their
Idyllic sense of a parade

Long lines around
But we're standing together
Make this count, this cliche
Make it forever

It's what everyone years for
They are sandpaper shaved
It's what you and I yearn for
From themselves they were saved

Obscure faded walls
With rustic boards of pine
Pin me against them
I am yours, you are mine

Stare into my eyes
I am yours, you are mine
Stare into my eyes
I am yours, you are mine
Don't be afraid
Do not look away
I am yours, you are mine
We are biding their time

Going On About It Again
11-21-13

You're at the tip of the iceberg
Yeah, I can see through your eyes
I swear, for a while I've been trying to climb
In my mind
So not really trying
Clear as ice
Remember
Not my favorite eyes
Don't know what it is about you
A lot of the time I simply don't know
I keep clinging on to the idea of you
I wish you could be there to tell me let go
But I won't
What's the point, there's no one else around
No one with the capability of making my heart pound
Although you don't
It's more my mind
It screams loud
For you
It always does but
I wish I'd just get on and give up
Because there is no hope
So, yeah, you're at the tip of the iceberg
And I'm working my way down the opposing slope
There will be a reason one day for all of this
I don't think this will end in you
Actually, I know it won't
The chance is zero
What do I expect to have happen
If I'm sitting here typing about it
Instead of scheming and trying for it
While one's invading my personal space
You're about three seconds away
From taking everything else's place
Why can't you see me
And why can't I blame the fact that you don't
On you

I Just
11-24-13

It is twelve am
And I'm bubbling over with feelings
I want to cry
To laugh
And I think I'm shaking
Over you
It's always you
You make me feel like
There is no one else
But you're not real
To me, at least
And when you
Stare at him
That mounts the odds
Higher than sky against
Who else but me
Higher than as far as the
Rest of the world stretches
It's high
And it's then I know
At twelve-oh-one am
You will not love me
Or any other she
Because you cannot

And that's okay
We can still be friends
I just want you
In any way

But who am I to move on loving now
I know I haven't seen every face and
Heard every voice but
Why did you have to do this, you know
Make it hard on me?
I think I may even possibly love you
But I can't I can't I can't
You can't
And that's all that's starting to matter

I just don't--
I pray I'm not reading you wrong--
I just don't--
I pray that you meant what you sung--
I just don't--
I'm tired of not knowing, aren't you tired of pretending to love--
I just don't--
If this is true how can you go merrily on--
I just don't--
Why wouldn't you fight for him, huh--
I just don't--
But God, let me go, do something, be strong--
I just don't--
If it's true that they're holding you back and you long--
I just don't--
For him, then you should know better than this--
I just don't--

Know.
No.
No.

No.

No, I can't give you up

(Commentary: Somebody's ANGSTY.)

Passing Time
11-23-13

Your face
And mine
Don't go together
Your life
And mine
Don't meld together
Your heart
And mine
Don't beat together
I bet they're off-sync
Your want
And mine
Don't coincide
The only thing
We have in common
Is the passing of our time

...
12-1-13

Don't say another word you're sounding stupid
But then again you always do
It's getting old, all this making excuses
I shouldn't be this used

To it
Why don't we start over

Or not
I'm fine
With either one
Or not
I'm fine
Alone

Or not
I'm fine
With either one
Or not
I'm fine alone

Oh mad, mad, mad
You make me
Mad mad mad mad mad
It makes me mad
And holds me back back back back
Soon you'll be twirling a finger
Round my head

Understanding
12-2-13

We are suspended in silent wind
Two arms-worth of reaches above melancholy
If it really tried it could pull us down
But it won't, it's melancholy

I'm tearing into the box beneath the tree
And you look on, you're smiling
We're both waiting for the gift that won't come
I toss it aside with scarcely a thanks

We once upon a time painted our faces with blue
It reminded us of our favorite jeans
The baby pictures where I was in velvet and you
Were probably in some other town, not yet knowing me

We are making no sense to each other
But perfect to everyone else
I long for you to finally understand me
I long for your calculated understanding

(Commentary: This is apparently my attempt at being abstract and cool and edgy and elusive. Which it worked. Because THIS DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. I mean, velvet. Really?)

For Nothing
12-2-13

Everything is small-grasped and
Passing by with trepidation
My nerves are shot my
Neurotic tendencies are taking a turn for the worse

Sometimes I wish he was real to me
I worry I'm tricking myself into believing
Even though I have two feet planted on solid ground
Beneath them, it's been moving

Why oh why do I long for something
Everyone is living around me
Well, I am too
Just perhaps not to full capacity

I have these dreams, see
These things I want to be
Yet I'm not doing anything
To achieve them

Believe me, I feel you
I know what you feel
I feel it less deeply
But the feeling's still real

Believe me, I know you
I know what you know
I know it less strongly
But the knowing won't go

And believe me, I've earned him
I've earned him to breathe
I feel a deep longing
And I know it's for nothing

White Flag
12-10-13

All right, I surrender
To your voice and the rings
That decorate your hands
That make them distinctive pieces of art
No one else can pull that off

I've given in to every whim
No self control when it comes to you
You're irresistible
And I don't know why
Some people think you're less than special

So okay, I'll fix my hair in the mirror
Even though the only one who will see me today
Is me
So okay, I'll put on a bit of mascara
Will that satisfy your taste

Lucky
1-22-14

Attractive is not a word
That aptly describes him
Simply, he's beautiful
You could liken the line of his jaw
To warm feel of chicken soup as it
Settles in your stomach
Much like the fleeting thoughts of him do
After they've passed
The curve of his wrists
Smoothness in his hands
Draws comparison to tree-lined paths
In fall, and leaves crunch under your feet
Much like he awareness that he exists
Inside the same sphere
As you
His laugh and the way he speaks
Nuances and
Little things
All boiled down to this
Fantastic human being
Those that get to be close to him
They are lucky

(Commentary: SOMEBODY'S got a cruuuush!)

Deluded
3-11-14

Coiled tightly in my eyes
Ready to spring
I think I'm the only rational one again
Which is nothing knew to me
It passes with its usual grace
A disturbance that never stays
I wonder how they can let things go so easy
To hold on would be complacent
But
I'm tired to pretending things didn't happen
I'm sick of moving on
I want to say exactly what I think and let them
Do with it what they want
Because I am involved in the edges
It soaks the whole diameter
I've as much as right as any
To say how deluded everyone is
How completely deluded they are

Told
5-24-14

Told

I actually am able to think about it
without feeling like I'm fighting it
off. The mood that is so quick to drown and
chaste memories that throb afterward are
not threatening to me.
I know this did something that
tipped me over the edge. I know that I found out
how easy and how willing you were to discount
every good thing I did. In lieu you have placed
this cloud over my head and wrinkle your nose
in disdain but, you know, I'm just a kid. And I
make mistakes like everybody else. Though to me
it wasn't really anything obtuse, just
kind of sorta maybe true.
I guess I should have minded who I told it to.
But now I feel freeer than I have in a while.
I don't wish for the past.
I don't need you to smile.

It's actually sad to me
I'm actually feeling some sympathy
So misplaced for the reason
But I suppose I understand their beef
With the world and the people that are surrounding them
Pressing big-eyed against the glass
Looking in to see what they're going to do next and
They're under near-constant scrutiny

lore
1-26-15

i would never claim to be inherently good
but i bite my tongue because i know i should
and it's a step in a distinct direction
to having my impulses perfected

yes
2-12-15

beliveability not yet broken
though I've strained it to its limits
afraid it'll snap beneath the weight
of all my feigned lovelorn despair
it's not that way
I'm not
Not
at all
for him