My parents broke up in April of 2006, though I feel like I lost my dad many years before that. Becoming "one of those families" who has lost its father certainly came as a shock to me, but I think it came as more of a shock to all of us for mom to get a boyfriend.

I'll just call him Mario. 42. Born in Mexico. Legal. Married three times, five kids. Speaks but can't write a lick of English. They met at work. Ever since mom began to talk about him as more than a coworker, I began to dream. At night when I'm in bed, the lights are out, and the air is full of silence, I lie awake, dreaming a faint-hearted dream: that a father will walk through that door, not my father, but another, better man. When I am very lonely, I will even write letters to him never to be sent, playing make-believe that he is real and will come any day now.

I know it's a childish thing to do, maybe even psychologically harmful, but I'm tired of playing strong when I feel so weak. Sometimes pain hurts less as experienced by a child, because adults are onions of emotion that hide their interior from even themselves. Just like the little boy Frankie in the movie Dear Frankie, I believe a fantasy, even one I know to be fiction, can restore hope when reality sucks. At least that's my justification.

I've never told anyone about my dream. You are the first. Even the divorce I keep hidden from my friends. I've only told one, and only last week, though I'm sure the others know. They don't ask, and I don't tell. I feel shamed to not have a dad and vulnerable. So I try to hide the truth from people because if they find out, then I'll be exposed and could get hurt. I'm just now, two years later, deciding to talk openly to people about what happened.

And you know what I've learned? I'm not alone. There are so many of us families who have no father-figure at home. It’s hard to tell people about my family situation, but whenever I try, I almost always find a sympathetic person who understands all too well. Maybe not all of us dream for a father who may never come. In that perhaps I am alone. But that’s okay. I’ve been alone before, and I’m not scared of being alone again. I have a dream, and for now that is enough. My familiy has left Egypt and entered the wilderness. I trust that God will send the manna. Dayenu.