Looking out you are lost
sitting on the cliff
legs crossed.
Sea, fields, woods, plains,
marshes, mountains, rocky terrains,
They're all around
thickly covering the ground.
The sky above, outlined with dark storm clouds
and below, trees in clusters and crowds.
Here the world seems a sad place
The wind carries a lonely taste.
You hear animal screams high and shrill
as their predator closes in for the kill.
The last cry emitted from the prey
Is hopeless and seems to say;
"You win, you win!
I give up! I give in!"
But looking on out to the sea
You know that's the place to be.
Out there
in the open salt air.
In the distance
The sun has cheerful persistence
throwing out hues
pink, orange, and pretty blues
You want to go
But how? You don't know.
Zipping past your face is a dragonfly
His wings humming a complex lullaby
But up above rumbles signify
Calm and disaster do not unify
You cannot be content
when destruction has reached its extent
This island cannot last forever
The creatures here cannot live together.
You pull your wolf skin cloak closer
Shutting out the wind
making an enclosure.
You hear the big reptile menaces
As they scuttle into crevices
You know there is a bad storm coming
The clouds burst into rhythms like drumming
At first it patters and you are dry
Suddenly it whips down in harsh reply
You feel as if you can understand
What it is the sky demands
"I am angry, and this is my way
to show you creatures how to pay."
Wishing gets you nowhere
But now you wish in despair
That there was a way to get somewhere.
Hi everyone, HAPPY NEW YEAR! I haven't posted in ages, and I thought this poem would do :) I know it needs a lot of fixing up, so if you like, PLEASE go ahead and critic me!
Comments
This is PERFECT! I've missed
This is PERFECT! I've missed your posts sooo much. :) happy to see this.
The rhythm isn't consistent, but it's not bad at all. It was very pleasing to read and my tongue didn't trip over any of the lines. The only thing is it would seem a little more complete if you as just one more line at the end. I felt like I was hanging at the end. Not necessarily for the sake of your word picture, but just because I felt like I was missing some room. That probably doesn't make any sense at all...
As for the rhyme, I loved it! Once again, not consistent, but still very pleasing. I liked how you switched around the count of lines in each verse.
Again, I was so glad to see that you had posted. :)
I don’t thrive off of chaos: chaos thrives off of me.
Thanks Hannah
Thanks, thanks, and thanks again for your comment! As a matter of fact in school there has been some poems to read by Robert Louis Stevenson, though I haven't particularly been reading any poems by certain people for self enjoyment, to be honest I'm not much of a poem person, but it's fun to rhyme.
The meaning of the poem is quite unclear-you're right. I started out writing it as your third guess: It's purpose is descriptive, to bring to the mind a picture of a dangerous wilderness and a primal, lonely life.
But at the end I wanted to make it seem like the person in the poem was utterly trapped. I think, to be honest, I'd like to leave the meaning open to let everyone decide for themselves what they find in it. For me, it was a lot that my mind was thinking about, a lot of mixed feelings, that's probably why it's a bit mumble jumbled.
Thanks so much for reading Hannah, I really appreciate your comment too :)
Mikki
Do Justice//Love Mercy//Walk Humbly
Thanks Damaris
Thanks Damari! Ikr, I need to post more.... oh well :)
I'll admit I don't know anything about writing poems in proper format and rhythm, so having critics is a good thing for me.
Thanks for commenting and pointing out the problems in it, I'm glad you enjoyed reading it.
Thanks again,
Mikki :)
Do Justice//Love Mercy//Walk Humbly
:)
I don't really know much about writing in proper rhythm/rhym, either. :P I literally googled some poetry patterns/meters the other day. :P
But seriously, your poem is awesome.
I don’t thrive off of chaos: chaos thrives off of me.
Haha, yep Google is extremely
Haha, yep Google is extremely helpful these days ;)
Thanks Damaris
Do Justice//Love Mercy//Walk Humbly
Hi Mikaela! I love your poem!
Hi Mikaela! I love your poem! Your rhythm is amazing, and the rhyming is very professionally done. I especially love this:
In the distance
the sun has cheerful persistence
Throwing out hues
I just love the way that rolls off the tongue. Is there any particular poet you've been reading lately? Robert Louis Stevenson comes to mind, especially with the adventurous images you chose . . .
As for meaning, it's a little unclear for me, but I have three guesses. 1) It's a prologue to a story you're writing. 2) It's an allegory for feeling emotionally or spiritually trapped. 3) It's purpose is descriptive, to bring to the mind a picture of a dangerous wilderness and a primal, lonely life.
I couldn't possibly offer criticisms . . . I don't want you to mess with the wording here at all, as it might interfere with the pluperfect rhythm!
It's nice to hear from you! Hope to read more from you (and your sis!) soon. : )