Some Days

Today I wished
For an instance
Maybe you'd come over
Senseless
Isn't it
I imagine the laughter
Talking
Over cups of coffee
Staying
I'm not that bad at coping
Though my mantra has become
Some days
At least it's only some
And I'm in possession of the knowledge
That reconciling would be dumb
And at this point in time
Impossible
It's just really hard for me to fathom on
Sunshine days when you used to come
Over
That after years and time
Happy nights
I am now
Populated with wary lines
Etched onto my conscious being
I never listened to the sense that said I needed
To back off
To not let my guard down
Some days it sucks
To come to terms but this is how
It's ended up
I always say
To move on past what
You can't change
It happened and it'll
Stay that way
Some days
I wish it wouldn't plague me
With it's taunting reverie
I raise my chin and push on past
All my fruitless hoping

At

It starts up and fills the house with a
Familiar cool
It hits me with a kick
I say the endorphins must be hardwired
To my brain
Triggered by turning on
The air conditioning

Nag Nag Nag

Subtle nagging
Back-of-the-brain
Stand in front of a
Reflective surface
And turn every which way
To get every angle
And see which is the most
Appealing
Ridiculous
I know
I don't always see myself in the
Most desirable light
But nobody does all the time
I don't think

Finis

In time
I think
It's taking more time than I want
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six months
It's easier to forget when
I've actually forgot
To chalk it up to finis
Is easier said than done
For a era that was
Utterly momentary
Now gone sedentary
When it comes to
Certain aspects
That looking back were
Simply fun
Still is, of course
But there are moments labeled 'was'
"It goes on" but
If I slip into that state
Where I'm remembering those things
We used to do together
Times
I thought it was for life
All these colors and shapes and
Remarkable shades
Vibrance
Surrounding us
Built up from
The bottomless ground
I was picturing today
Shaved ice and
A cool slice of chlorine
Lounging back on the concrete but
Inexplicably minus you
Minus the hope that surged through
Every time I thought
Maybe they'll stay today
Weekly thing
We'd go to my room
In our shorts talking shop
Tumbling and rushing all over our thoughts
Until they were parodied
And it was too easy
Too begin
And too fragile
By its end
So painful these days
Where you should be making new memories
Flitting in and out when you please
Laughing and doing more things
All the same
I want it so badly right now
But I'm chained
To this place in myself
That cannot hit release
Am I glad that I knew you
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six ago?
I'm trying to decide but it's like
You were never even real
So, I suppose
I don't know

Uno

I surprise myself short
With the sound that comes out
Of my mouth
A joyful one but
Cut off
Unsightly
I grin and go on
Slap the next card down
But I'm
Doing it quietly

Aspire

I can see it
Center stage
Arms splayed
Wearing something hip
That shows a bit of skin
Commandeering the rapt attention
From every head in the crowd
I would sing it loud
The song I composed
While standing in front of
An ornate mirror
A few good months ago
Sashaying and relaying
Every word with sassiness
A whole persona I could get with
If I'm given a listen

Fall Back

I expect everything to
Move fast
I expect everything to
Fall back
On the cushioning
I didn't even know existed
I understanding wanting to
Do that
I understanding wanting to
Repatch
But I think the best thing right now is to
Step away
I think the best thing right now is to
Go play
In the corner by myself until somebody is ready
To get me

Want Want Want

What I wanted I think I want
But I'm not sure that I want
Want want want want want want want
Nothing and everything all over again

Repair

I just realized that I think I
Came to terms with it
And now that it could go back to the way it was I'm not sure
I want it fixed