seven

Ⅰ They call the game heaven But I don’t see how I’m stuck in a closet With a boy who is loud And he’s kissing my lips And I hate it, I do So I push him away And I leave the dark room

Ⅱ First date anxieties Palpable tension He puts the car into gear Then gives me his attention “Thank you for coming” He says, quite politely But this date was blind And I’m rather unsightly He must notice it The scar on my face That has ruined me In inconceivable ways But I nod at him Say, “Yeah, yeah, thanks” And I’m surprised to watch A grin graze his face But perhaps he’s laughing My mind goes to that place The place where I’m nothing Who everyone hates I duck my head And he seems to notice “I hope you do know That you weren’t just chosen For me--I picked you.” And I slowly look up But he’s smiling again Facing forward primly And for the first time in years I feel...pretty

Ⅲ It’s raining again today I venture outside with hesitance When my umbrella is torn from my hand Pulled away by levity And then I’m go-go-going After it Heels clicking on the sidewalk Barely registering that it’s wet And that you are less Likely to impress Your boss on first days If you come in soaked From your head to your toes And it’s all too much I’m forced to bend over Hands gripping my knees I sink to the ground Putting forth silent pleas Oh, God, I need him now More than anything But the rain it still goes There’s no double-rainbow To promise good things So I stand up Square my shoulders Think maybe this is my message That I can’t be impressive All the time So I go on Umbrella-less In the rain

Ⅳ Quiet conversation A moment before the hurricane It always leads up to this I think everything’s good And then one of us bursts Showcasing That neither of us are completely sane Not the way we should be At least And then it happens I feel boiling rage Come hurtling forth (This time it’s you I’ll be sure to Make a note of that) And it’s sad The way I have to be Constantly On my guard From you And you From me This? This isn’t what it should be It’s animosity At its finest “You know everything’s your fault!” Why do I have to take the fall? “I can’t stand to be near you most days!” Does he not care that I’m in such pain? “I wish you would just hurry up and leave.” Maybe I will, when he’s asleep And he can’t stop me Because he would And I know that And he knows that And suddenly It’s not worth it anymore This fighting So I stand Say, “How about right now?” And off goes that malicious frown And in its place Is blank confusion He’s afraid Of what he’d lose If I choose The hard decision And he knows That I’d pick leaving In a heartbeat And he goes, “Please don’t.” In that broken voice It’s so difficult To resist But I persist “I have to” And on my way up To pack my things To finally end it I look at the clock See seven minutes Have passed Is that all? How long it takes? For two good people To finally break?

eight

Ⅰ It’s a sort of slow-coming feeling I’m a snail in the dirt Slugging my way forward I take a sip of coffee It’s too hot; it burns And it hurts My throat On the way down I look over Offer you a lazy smile Tilt back in my rocker And close my eyes Just to rest for a bit But then it comes out “I’m pregnant” And I feel you stiffen Then give way As pure exhilaration Takes uncertainty’s place Then you’re hugging me And it’s the best feeling I’ve had in a long while This

Ⅱ My hands are chapped I rub some lotion on It’s slick, lemony Scented And I lean against the sink Try to breathe I have to tell him Tell him that I like him As more than a friend But what if What if he decides That I’m not worth it Worth loving back Then what? I’ll be left alone With nothing to show For it Except possibly a broken heart That cannot be redeemed; It seems As I lean away Go back out into the hall That I’ve already made the choice For that beautiful boy I cannot live without And broken it myself Ouch Before he even Had the chance to And maybe he would have chosen differently Maybe this...thing (Whatever it is) Could have been saved But I will never know Because I am not brave Enough To ask him

Ⅲ Temptation leads me fast to you It tends to run your way But every single time I reach You’re gone without a trace So even as you hand me your Sprite It when I’ve already asked for it And even when you slow-lean back Put your hand on my leg It’s because I initiated it And even when you say you love me It’s because I said it first And we both know that it’s on the edge So comes the final burst Of energy, and I’m sprinting Toward the finish line But you reach it long before I do You’re--just like that--not mine

nine

Ⅰ Oh dear, oh dear I’m freaking out You’re lying in a heap At my feet Are you okay? You manage a shake Of your head And I Help you stand Make our way To the van And get in As I ask You to please Not get blood On my seats I hit the gas A little too Fervently And you laugh A little too Perfectly For it not to be forced And I’m hoarse (or my voice is) As I call back And ask Are you really okay? And you say Yes, you’re just fine Thanks And I introduce myself Then Say my name And you say yours And ask me about That ring On my finger And I reply It’s my grandmother’s She gave it to me In July For my birthday That kind of thing And you smile Again To yourself this time And ask if I’m happy with my life And I frown Say Why wouldn’t I be? I’m sixteen I love being alive And you shrug Say this whole time You’ve never once Seen me smile So I close my eyes Count to nine And say In a rush Maybethat’sbecause Ihitastrangerwithmycar Andit’smyfirsttimedriving Bymyselfisthat Goodenoughforyou? But you just smile Again And you’re like sunshine Until Of course You say That I still haven’t

Ⅱ It’s been three years Yet I still think of you Occasionally And the other day I found the note That we passed Do you remember that? And the time That you spoke So persuasively When she and I stopped being friends Trying to mend us Again You cared enough to try And the other time You told me to admit that I liked You And I grinned like a fool Put my head in my arms Denied it For the thousandth time And remember those Student Council Meetings? How we joked around And everyone saw And I thought about telling you-- “When I’m sixteen” But I didn’t. It felt too crazy. And now I’ll never get to. I’m not going back. To that place. Where I know I’ll find you. And even if I did Anyway Things might not be the same There would be no guarantee That you would still like-like me And it’s not worth it Being there again I hated it the first time I’d hate it more the second

Ⅲ There was a moment of silence after the movie ended. Where nobody spoke. And I sat there, for a minute. But then it drove me away. And I stood in the kitchen. Listening to “What a Wonderful World” play. Flighty strumming. A man sang about how everything was good. And I longed to be in there. Among the mute bodies. Sharing in that moment. But I couldn’t. Do it, that was. Walk in there. In the face of emotion. And be the thing that they watched. So I waited. Until the appropriate time. Slipped back in--so awkward--and sat. And in a moment he moved. The music still played. Everything broke and fell away. Like pieces of...something. Something that evaded me. And still does. To this day. And sometimes I look back. And I wish I was brave.

ten

Ⅰ Do I seriously not want to like her Because she has him? I ask myself this Again and again And if I’m being completely honest If I’m telling the truth Then the answer is yes And that makes me a fool

Ⅱ I’m on the brink of fact-or-fiction I don’t know what I’ll say I have the world at my disposal But I might have to lay My pen down for fear of what Connections they could make I want to tell the truth in writing But to share it? A mistake.

Ⅲ There are a thousand things that scare her Like first-person Adults that cry Thinking the wrong thing There are a thousand things that wear her Down Like drama And tears And too much of something There are few things that ensnare her Or so she’d like to think But she can’t be sure, you see She’s constantly teetering on the brink Of regressing Or self-discovery And they all think she’s so sweet They don’t wonder who she’ll be But she--she’s not sure She feels the need To redeem Herself In her own eyes And at least she has that, You know, Guidelines

Ⅳ The cat food can Was cold in her hand As she dished it out With a spoon And it made that unpleasant Sticky sound That seemed so loud Like the voices She had heard Just last night Engaged in a pointless Stressful fight And maybe she is blind But that’s sight Not her ears And she pauses Thinks of running But even grown-ups Have their fears

eleven

Ⅰ He wondered what lay beneath the mirror So he took it down The glass reflected something new And fell forth with great sound And soon the shards were everywhere He cursed under his breath Grabbed the broom and dustpan Up the shards he swept

Ⅱ An hour ‘till mightnight And yet they’re still up Dizzy with happiness Splayed out on their bed Laughing at nothing So delirious And it feels right To the both In this moment But it won’t Come morning And they don’t know That That I’m not in any hurry To tell them Why

Ⅲ You smiled like you knew About the Christmas lights I’d been procrastinating Putting away And our mittened hands Found one another’s As we walked, leaving A trace Of us in deep snow tracks But the cafe would be warm And with that thought in mind We continued to forge on

Ⅳ I stitched my heart onto your sleeve For you to wear around Show everyone that you loved me A point to re-resound And I’ve always been the shy one To need the confirmation Until I found it ripped away And needed consolation The threads were frayed on the end You’d pulled it fast and fierce Leaving haste-hewn gaps Without a hint of tears To show your keen remorse For there have must been least some And yet, though I searched it in full Only my heart had undone

twelve

Ⅰ Sometimes I get this laugh That catches And then goes on And on And on Seemingly endless And everything that Anyone says Is suddenly hysterical And when this happens When I’m forced to lie on the floor For fear of falling over I think I might be crazy Or at least some variation of it Until I realize (Like new, each time) That the only way to go through life Is to laugh And that That’s the key To certain happiness So I feel good By the time I get up Stomach aching And allow myself One last giggle

Ⅱ Tersely You gazed at me And said I must bequeath My throne I said no I would not foreclose That this place was My home Where I raised my babies And my mother raised me Where nanna raised my mommy Did you not see? But then you’re all business Never personal at all For fear of getting close Of possible withdrawal And your next words still haunt me To this very day You said-- “I’ll give you two weeks to get out. I can’t help that you don’t pay.”

Ⅲ Endings are bittersweet Except when you’ve been Anticipating them Anxiously And today? When you finally told me That we were done? Such. A. Relief.

Ⅳ My hair is long and cornsilk yellow. I stare in the mirror and try not to see. Your voice is heavy in my ears, reprimanding. I turn around, scream, “I can’t take it anymore!” There’s a breaking point for us all. And mine is here. In this hotel room. With you. The first time I saw you I decided I like you. I liked your Chucks, and you liked mine. You were in that flannel shirt you still wear to this day. And I was wearing my Supergirl one. I remember that. The feeling of ecstasy. The wild way my heart pounded in my chest. I anticipated your every move. Now I wish it would just go ahead and end. Then came the honeymoon phase. When you said you loved me. And I you. When you held my hand with a viselike grip. And I was almost a hundred percent certain that you would never let go. But you always had to. Eventually everyone has to. When we said goodnight. Sometimes I wonder--what is a kiss, really? It’s not as glamorous as we’d like to think. Just lips. On lips. Like you constantly on me when you said I was being too clingy. Or I on you when I got too clingy. Or my sister on me for sneaking out with you when I wasn’t supposed to. Or your father on you for doing less and less of your homework. And I stare a bit longer. I don’t like who I see. There’s bags under my eyes that are partially your fault. For keeping me awake when you turned away last night. And that sucks. This place where we are. So I turn, say, “I knew this was a bad idea. I shouldn’t have come.” You’re instantly frustrated. “It was supposed to give us alone time.” “I had to lie to my mom about where I was. I should never have to do that.” “Not even for me?” “Especially...not,” I say, heading towards my bags. “Especially not for you.” You don’t get it. I see it instantly. In your eyes. You think love should be a game of sacrifice. Where everyone gives up something. But I don’t. I know better. I was taught by my parents what it really means. And it’s not like that at all. It’s only real when everyone else understands it. People tend to see situations better than you do. They’re unbiased and all, like that. “So that’s it, then?” You ask, watching. You don’t even try to help. And that says more than you ever will. I don’t even bother to answer. Just swing my bag up on my shoulder. And make my way to the door. And leave.