I can smell the liquor on his breath
See the trouble in his eyes
The gangs he hangs out with
The beanie covering his hair
He’s only twelve.
Skater shoes not done all the way up
Loose pants, too big, hang down on the floor
Itching hands down by his sides
Coarse words are shouted from his lips to gain attention
He’s only twelve.
I give him a wave
He gets excited by my smile alone
Because now he knows
That somebody cares.
He’s only twelve.
Haven't posted in SO long! But I think I've been able to post at least once a month, so that's good :) And yay, I had a birthday!! More about that exciting stuff later, but for now, comments please!
Comments
I like this. It has a very
I like this. It has a very consistent rhythm to it. You could add a little more leading up to the last part, so it doesn't seem quite as sudden. :)
"You were not meant to fit into a shallow box built by someone else." -J. Raymond
Those last lines are so
Those last lines are so perfect:
He gets excited by my smile alone
Because now he knows
That somebody cares.
He’s only twelve.
Like they said, this has a great rhythm to it. Very sad, but I love the way you kept repeating the He's only twelve line. That brought the reader back down to reality pretty quickly, until at the end all we felt was pity for this kid.
Is this a true story, then???
And Happy Birthday! Okay, I can't remember--are you sixteen or seventeen???
Edit: Ohhh nevermind. I read the age thingy!
Good job! I really like this!
Good job! I really like this! This might be your best poem yet, in my opinion.
"It is not the length of life, but the depth of life." Ralph Waldo Emerson
This is great, Maddi! I love
This is great, Maddi! I love it. Like the others, I too wonder: "Is this a true story?"
Very well done! I have no critique to offer. :)
God bless!
I don’t thrive off of chaos: chaos thrives off of me.
Thankyou!
Thanks, girls! Your comments are always looked forward to.
This IS a real story...sort of lots of the same stories built into one. I did mean to say that in the notes, but forgot.
Erin: Yes, I could do that...I went back and read it and it did seem a bit sudden. If I get a chance I will edit it.
Homey: Thanks for the birthday wishes! Haha, yeah it was in the age section :D
Megan: Thankyou! And Damaris Ann (we really need to come up with a nick-name for you..."Damaris Ann is too long to type haha) thankyou too!
Oh, and Hannah! Your comment is appreciated too!
Goodbye? Oh no, please. Can’t we just go back to page one and start all over again?” – Winnie The Pooh
Yes, yes please!!! I really
Yes, yes please!!! I really would love to have a nickname! :)
I don’t thrive off of chaos: chaos thrives off of me.
She needs a nickname,
She needs a nickname, everyone! To be inducted into the official Apricot Pie family.
The first thing that came to mind for me was Damari. :) Anybody else? Or Daramis Ann? Do you have any names you'd prefer we call you? They dubbed me Homey. haha!
Hmm, Demmi is a name that one
Hmm, Demmi is a name that one or two of my friends call me, and one that I thought of is Dann. I actually really like Dann. :) but if y'all come up with something else than that's totally fine. I just want a nickname. :D
I don’t thrive off of chaos: chaos thrives off of me.
Hey!
I like Damari. It somehow fits. So now I am going to call you that, but if you absolutely hate it, let me know...then I guess I COULD refrain from calling you that. It's really cute though.
Goodbye? Oh no, please. Can’t we just go back to page one and start all over again?” – Winnie The Pooh
Oh no, I like Danari! One of
Oh no, I like Danari! One of my old friends calls me that sometimes. I'm telling you, with a name like this I have TONS of nicknames! :) But I like it.
I don’t thrive off of chaos: chaos thrives off of me.
Oh no, I like Danari! One of
Oh no, I like Damari!!! One of my old friends calls me that sometimes. I'm telling you, with a name like this I have TONS of nicknames! :) But I like it.
I don’t thrive off of chaos: chaos thrives off of me.
Hey!
Hey Maddi!
Wow, you haven't posted in AGES!
Well written, and I think you pictured it so well :) but also the ending was just perfect!
Mikki xx
Do Justice//Love Mercy//Walk Humbly
Is this REAL? So sad . . .
Is this REAL? So sad . . . but well constructed, on your part.
And happy birthday, Maddi!