“I’ll stay.” She said.
The Queen leant forward. “Are you sure?”
Elise gulped. “It’s my destiny, isn't it?”
Her soft grey eyes searched Elise’s face. “Yes.” The Queen turned as if to follow Rilla out the door; then turned back. “Yes indeed; but remember my dear, that anything is possible; it’s all what you allow in your imagination.”
****
Back in the Gateway of Time, the female creature bent over the crystal ball.
"Arghh!" She cackled. "Tis the Chosen One, my lord! She said yes!"
"Aye," said the lord, "But I doubt her. She seems like she might give up on herself."
"Come now sire, anything is possible if you allow it in your imagination." The toothless old creature grinned, bearing gum.
"That's what I'm afraid of. She doesn't believe in it." The grim old creature whirled around as if on a sudden thought. "If she doesn't believe in herself, the whole Kingdom shall be at risk!"
***
“Well, let the training commence!” The jolly King of the Underworld set down his cup of wine. He looked Elise up and down.
“Well, she looks like something dainty, but with a bit of training she’ll shape up.”
He looked more closely, his eyes all scrunched up. “But there is some temper. I can see it in her eyes. The most important thing. Hmm. Temper.”
***
Elise tossed and turned in her sponge bed that night. She couldn't believe all that had happened to her in a couple of days.
How am I supposed to slay a sea dragon? I'm not a fighter.
The words of the Queen came back to her: "Anything is possible if you allow it in your imagination."
Why does that seem so important to me? Imagination can't change anything real...can it? I'm here for real, aren't I?
The vivid image of sea dragon came floating into her mind as she drifted off to sleep.
Blake, dad, where are you?
***
"Wakeup, sleepy head!" Rilla was shaking the pillow. "Today's the big day! But first I want to show you something."
"Oh huh? Wha--huh? Lemme go back to sleep."
Rilla laughed. "Come on! I'm going to show you to my little sister."
***
Rilla threw open the nursery door. "Chick-a-dee! Where are you?"
An adorable little mer-baby crawled out from under the bed. "There you are!" Turning aside, Rilla said in an undertone to Elise:"This is Pearl, my cute sis."
"I'll say! She's the most beautiful thing in the world I've ever seen." The charming face, bright eyes were of extraordinary beauty.
Pearl made a little gargle noise. "S'ore name?"
The girls both giggled. "She said: What's your name?"
"Oh, my name is Elise!"
Pearl clapped her hands to the delight of the girls. "P'etty."
"I think she likes you," Rilla scooped up the baby. "Here, see if you pass the test."
Pearl settled herself comfortably in Elise's lap, fingering her brown curls.
There was a quiet step in the hall. The Queen appeared in the doorway.
"Girls, today, as you might very well know, is the day when all the youth of my Kingdom shall audition." She paused. "To accompany the chosen one."
They both smiled. "Do you want to see?"
**
A long line of mer-youth was at the palace gates. A booth had been set up for the examining.
"Next! What's your strength, boy?"
"Might."
"Check the prophecy!" The deep voice of the sentry boomed out over the court, making even the boldest there cringe.
Elise leaned over to Rilla. "I don't get it," she whispered, "I thought every youth in the kingdom was going to train, then get chosen at the end."
"No, first they have to be checked by the Prophesy. If they don't have have what it says, then they're out."
"Like....?"
"I read it the other morning....I think you've got to have strength, healing, magic, thinking,and perseverance."
Elise nodded. "But what about the training and stuff?"
"Well, then all those "approved" by the prophesy, shall train for 30 days. At the end of training, the prophesy shall reveal who shall be chosen. At least, that's what the prophesy says."
Then Elise really wondered; wondered if she really was here for real. "So, do you believe in the prophesy?"
Rilla shrugged off the question and laughed. "Of course! Everybody does! It brought you here by fate, didn't it?"
"Well yeah, but--"
"Hey! There's my friend! Come on, let's go say hello!"
A blonde mermaid was waving frantically at them. They hurried over to where she was standing in the queue.
"Hey, Rilla-girl! How are you?" The girl hugged Rilla affectionately. "Oh, and who's this?"
"This is Elise, the chos--"
The blonde girl bowed low. "Pleased to meet you," she said, having a new respect for Elise.
Elise laughed, immediately liking the her. "Pleased to meet you, too."
"This is my close friend, Twila." Rilla linked arms with her. "And are you trying out too, my friend?"
"I am; I'm hoping to get in with my herbal skills." Twila tucked away a wisp of blonde hair, repositioning the white tulip.
A group of young mer-boys strutted by, talking loudly. One stopped.
"Hey, Twila! You trying out?" The handsome youth waved off his friends and joined the girls.
"Yeah..." Twila battered her eyelashes. "What about you, Rick?"
"Yes, well I plan to. And what about you, Princess?" He tapped her shoulder.
Rilla gave him a sassy look. "As a princess, I get free passage, of course."
Rick laughed. He then turned to Elise. "And I am quite honoured to be here with you, Elise." He tipped an imaginary hat, and waved.
"See you later!"
Twila blew a kiss as he strode off.
"How did he know my name?"
"Oh honey, Rick knows about everything. And anyway, everyone knows what your name is."
"Uh...huh."
Rilla shifted. "Well, we better go. Hope you get in, Twila!"
Once they were out of earshot, Elise grabbed Rilla's arm.
"What are you talking about? How do you get free passage?"
Rilla sat down on a moss-rock. "Um....I made that up."
Elise rolled her eyes.
"Well, mother's going to let me train; even if it is behind father's back."
"Don't you have to pass the.... strengths? Or whatever they're called?"
"Already have."
Again Elise was annoyed at Rilla's self assurance that seemed to come easily. "What are they?"
"Perseverance. I'm not bad with a sword either."
Images of swords, sea dragons and much worse thoughts whirled around Elise's mind, making here feel dizzy. "R...ight." She stumbled forward.
Rilla jumped from where she was sitting to catch Elise's body. "Are you alright?"
"Fine, fine I think," Elise gasped as she wavered on the brink of unconsciousness.
Rilla set her down on the sandy ground. "Just rest a bit. What came over you?"
"I....I don't know." The lie seemed to leave her lips like it wasn't a lie at all.
"Thanks for....catching me."
Rilla grinned. Something special passed between the two friends. Maybe it was a true friendship. "S'all right."
Elise knew for sure now that she wanted Rilla to be chosen with all her heart, with her father's permission or not.
I feel like this chapter is really rushed and is leaving the reader confused. Please tell me your thoughts and critique.
Comments
Tue, 01/22/2013 - 21:58
In reply to The surest way to get someone to read something... by Aalen Fideli
I realise my stupidity.
Haha, then you should see my first drafts....a lot more confusion than this....but I'm sure that if you went and read the other chapters, you'd get a more sense of the story....get the hint? :)
Goodbye? Oh no, please. Can’t we just go back to page one and start all over again?” – Winnie The Pooh
:)
I think that the dialogue is really realistic. I liked some of the actions i.e. "I am; I'm hoping to get in with my herbal skills." Twila tucked away a wisp of blonde hair, repositioning the white tulip.
It really seemed like Twila, or - anyone, would actually do that and the way you wrote it, I could envision it in my mind.
But two things. I don't think you should have such short scene breaks. It's rather abrupt and if you have so many short scenes, maybe most of them really aren't that related to the story. Every scene must matter.
Also, I spotted a grammar mistake. Elise knew for sure now that she wanted Rilla to be chosen with all her heart, with her father's permission or not. Read this carefully and it will seem like Elise wanted someone to chose Rilla will all her heart vs. (what I know you meant) With all her heart, Elise wanted Rilla to be chosen.
So how do you avoid these mistakes in the future? Remember to place the modifiers directly after or before (that depends on what you are modifying).
In short, if a sentence can be read in two different ways and be interpreted differently, the sentence is grammatically incorrect.
"It is not the length of life, but the depth of life." Ralph Waldo Emerson
:)
*rubs sleep from eyes* It's seven o'clock here!!
Thanks so much for your feedback!
I feel guilty every time it's a short scene, but I will try to keep them more to the story next time. :) But the meeting of Rilla's sister Pearl is actually important, so that one is excused....:D
Oh thankyou.....I will fix that.
You know....you don't know how much I look forward to your comments!
EDIT: Actually, after getting feedback from another friend on this, I decided to re-write the whole chapter.
Goodbye? Oh no, please. Can’t we just go back to page one and start all over again?” – Winnie The Pooh
Ach! I'm ready to read the
Ach!
I'm ready to read the rest!! =) I hope you'll have nine up soon! :)
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths
P.S
Go to my blog and follow it: Sarahanneandrews.wordpress.com
:) for my sake, follow
The surest way to get someone to read something...
Though, I would've clicked on it anyway. I absolutely love unfinished thoughts ideas and stories.
Music I created
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