Planet Wars
Episode III: Revenge of the Frogs

(VOICE) It is a time of peace and prosperity for the galaxy. With General Grievous trapped in a hole, the Bad Guy Army is leaderless. The Heroes are taking a well-deserved vacation, and...
(DIRECTOR'S VOICE) Cut! What are you reading?! This is supposed to be a time of turmoil for the galaxy, not a time of peace and prosperity! It’s always a time of turmoil! People don’t want to see everyday life, they want action!
(VOICE) Sorry. Should I start over?
(DIRECTOR’S VOICE) No. It’s too late for that. We have to start now. If we don’t get good sales from this, I’ll know it was your fault.

(The actual thing going on the screen during the beginning voiceover.)
It is a time of great turmoil for the galaxy. While nothing is happening at the moment, the galaxy is always in turmoil, at least when we do movies. General Grievous is stuck in a hole, and the Bad Guy Army is leaderless—for now. While this appears very boring, we assure you we will do our best to find something to cause turmoil...

Act 1, Scene 1. The Amphibian Menace.

(CAPTAIN and DARTH VADER are talking.)

CAPTAIN: We’re in trouble now. The Bad Guy Army is falling apart! Without our glorious leader, they’re starting to desert. And, and, if the Heroes ever get around to attacking us, we’ll be destroyed! We have no chance without the General.
DARTH VADER: I’m open to suggestions.
CAPTAIN: We’re dead. I just know it. The Heroes always win. There’s no way to get around it. Heroes win, Bad Guys lose. We’re going to die! (Pauses.) Wait a second—I think I have an idea!
DARTH VADER: Now we’re dead.
CAPTAIN: It’s simple! Heroes always win, right? The laws of fiction ordain it. So all we need to do is declare ourselves to be Heroes! Then we have to win! We’ll be protected by the laws of fiction. And when General Grievous gets out, we can un-declare it and go on and conquer the world!
DARTH VADER (after a long pause): I don’t believe it. You might have actually come up with a good idea. I suppose it’s worth a try, anyway. You do realize that as long as we’re Heroes, though, we have to save the galaxy?
CAPTAIN: Save it from what? The Bad Guy Army is the only danger, and look at the shape we’re in now! We don’t have a thing to worry about.

(Three large frogs are sitting together.)

DARTH SIDIOUS THE FROG: We must punish the beasts that defeated our great leader. They are still on this planet. We must strike!
COUNT DOOKU THE FROG: We might be able to find allies from among the Bad Guy Army.
GENERAL GRIEVOUS THE FROG (with revulsion): Make mere humans our allies?
COUNT DOOKU THE FROG: We will turn on them once we have gained our victory, of course. I’ve wanted a slave that has hands for quite a while now.
DARTH SIDIOUS THE FROG: An excellent idea. And perhaps we should not kill all of the “Heroes,” either. I have plans for one of them...
(The frogs laugh evilly together.)

(The Heroes are together in a large room filled with tables. They all have goblets and food.)
ANAKIN: We should have vacations more often. I think I like this.
JACKIE: It is nice to not have to worry about the Bad Guy Army for a while.
FERDINAND: Hear, hear! (Takes a drink.)
OBI-WAN: They must be pretty desperate now. I wonder what they’ll do without a leader.
THE WALKER: As long as they leave people alone, I don’t care. I could get to really enjoy this life.
VALOR: It won’t last. There’s always someone for Heroes to fight. We might get a respite now and then, but until we retire we’ll be fighting Bad Guys.
FALCON: Ah well. We’ll just enjoy this while we can. There’s no need to look for trouble; it’ll come to us in time.

Act 1, Scene 2. The Attack of the Frogs.

(The Frog Army shows up at the disorganized Bad Guy Army camp. CAPTAIN and DARTH VADER are not in the camp, but they are near enough to hear the frogs but not be seen by them.)

DARTH SIDIOUS THE FROG: Listen to me, humans! I am Darth Sidious the Frog! We are going to destroy the pathetic “Heroes”! If you wish, you may join the ranks of our army and help us in our day of victory! We will reward you as you deserve once our victory is complete.
MINION X: We do need a leader.
MINION SEVEN: But frogs?
MINION A: Don’t be prejudicial. Frogs might make excellent leaders.
MINION SEVEN: Frogs?
MINION X: Do you have any better ideas?
MINION SEVEN: Ah...no.
MINION A: Good. It’s settled then. (Calls to DARTH SIDIOUS THE FROG) We accept!
(MINIONS and HENCHMEN march out of their camp and join the Frog Army. They all march off. Once they are gone, DARTH VADER and CAPTAIN walk out.)
CAPTAIN: They—they just left. Just like that. No questions, almost no hesitation—are they that desperate for a leader? Am I that bad?
DARTH VADER: You sounded desperate earlier. And you can’t lead the Bad Guy Army now that you’ve declared yourself to be a Hero.
CAPTAIN: They didn’t know that yet!
DARTH VADER: That really doesn’t matter. Do you realize that those frogs are almost certainly a threat to the galaxy?
CAPTAIN: Uh oh. Maybe we should stop being Heroes now. I don’t really want to fight them.
DARTH VADER: If we aren’t against them, we’re for them. Do you want to fight with them?
CAPTAIN: No. What have we gotten ourselves into, anyway?
DARTH VADER: We? This was your idea. I ought to just choke you. The only reason I haven’t yet is that being a Hero and choking underlings doesn’t go together.
CAPTAIN (hastily): Let’s just stay as Heroes for now, shall we?

(Alexandra walks into the Heroes’ base. Everyone is sleeping in their chairs.)
ALEXANDRA: Well, I knew the peace couldn’t last. The Bad Guy Army is on the march again. (Pauses and then speaks louder) Did any of you hear me? The Bad Guy Army is marching toward us!
(The Heroes snap awake.)
OBI-WAN: What?! Already? Who’s leading them?
FALCON: Hurray! Another battle! I was getting bored.
VALOR: I’ll get the weapons! (Charges out of the room and returns on the Scout Walker, carrying all their guns.)
THE WALKER: Get out of my beautiful vehicle! I just polished it yesterday!
ALEXANDRA: It’s not just the Bad Guy Army that’s coming. They’re marching with a whole bunch of frogs!
JACKIE: Oh, goody! I’ve always wanted an opportunity to try frog legs.
OBI-WAN: Frogs? I guess this must have something to do with Mr. Froggie. Oh, well. Let’s get to work.
ANAKIN: Can’t I ever get some rest? Besides, my head hurts, and I had a bad dream about the future.
FERDINAND: I bet it doesn’t hurt as much as mine. As for rest of what you said, take a long nap after this episode’s over, and prophetic dreams are lousy, so just forget it.


Act 1, Scene 3. Revenge of the Anakin.

(The Frog Army is lined up for battle. The Heroes are across from them.)
DARTH SIDIOUS THE FROG: Destroy the pitiful humans!
MINION SEVEN: I hope they don’t mean us. You can never trust a frog.
MINION X: Be quiet. You don’t want them to notice you, do you?
MINION SEVEN (muttering): I have a bad feeling about this.
(The Frog Army charges at the Heroes. The line of the Heroes splits in half, and the Frog Army runs right in between them and over a cliff.)
OBI-WAN: That was easier than I expected.
ASTELLA: Can we have another party to celebrate?
OBI-WAN: Why not? That probably wasn’t the last we’ll see of them, but the job of a Hero isn’t often fun. Let’s enjoy it when we can.
(The Heroes walk away.)

(At the bottom of the cliff, the three head frogs are sitting on top of their army.)
DARTH SIDIOUS THE FROG: How could you let such pathetic beings do this to you?!
GENERAL GRIEVOUS THE FROG: You’re a fine one to talk. Who was the one in the lead?
DARTH SIDIOUS THE FROG (ignoring him): You let me down! I was counting on you to triumph over them! Now we have to do this the hard way.
COUNT DOOKU THE FROG: I thought this was the hard way. Does this mean we get some slaves soon?
DARTH SIDIOUS THE FROG: I shall turn one of their own against them. Then they shall be easily conquered.
COUNT DOOKU THE FROG: Are we going to enslave him, too?
DARTH SIDIOUS THE FROG: No. He’s too powerful to waste as a slave. I shall make him my right hand, and he will serve me.
COUNT DOOKU THE FROG: I thought that was my job. Are you demoting me?
DARTH SIDIOUS THE FROG: Maybe. I haven’t decided yet. (Hops away before COUNT DOOKU THE FROG can protest.)

(ANAKIN wakes up from another bad dream.)
ANAKIN: Oh, no! I dreamed that something terrible will happen! Now I have to turn to the dark side and do all sorts of horrible things to keep it from happening!
(OBI-WAN looks at him for a moment.)
OBI-WAN: Grow up, Anakin. Or do you need this?
(A giant teddy bear drops from the sky. It lands on DARTH SIDIOUS THE FROG, who was heading over to them.)
ANAKIN: Ah, no thanks, Master. I’m fine now.
OBI-WAN: Good. (Leaves.)
(DARTH SIDIOUS THE FROG manages to get the teddy bear off of himself.)
DARTH SIDIOUS THE FROG: Anakin! You’re just the person I wanted to meet. You see, I know about the dreams you’ve been having. And I know the power of the dark side can prevent that event. Turn to the dark side, and I will teach you things of power.
ANAKIN: No thanks. I’m not going to do something stupid just because of a few nightmares.
DARTH SIDIOUS THE FROG: But...but...
ANAKIN: So long. (ANAKIN walks away and runs into DARTH VADER.)
DARTH VADER: Why do you bother resisting? Sooner or later, you will turn to the dark side.
ANAKIN: It’s not guaranteed.
DARTH VADER: Yes, it is. My existence proves it.
ANAKIN: Nonsense. Your existence merely proves that time is not rigid and inflexible. If time is not rigid and inflexible, than neither is the future. Therefore, there is no guarantee that I will turn to the dark side. Besides, even it is a certainty that I’ll become you, I’d rather have it happen far in the future when I’m old and feeble. Then you won’t be able to do much damage.
DARTH VADER: Hey! You can’t do that!
(ANAKIN starts walking away.)
ANAKIN: Too bad. I’m doing it now.

Intermission

Act 2, Scene 1. A New Plan.

(The three head frogs are sitting together. DARTH SIDIOUS THE FROG is sulking.)
COUNT DOOKU THE FROG (smugly): See what happens when you try to change apprentices? It doesn’t work. He might have even tried to kill you.
DARTH SIDIOUS THE FROG (sulkily): It works in the movies.
GENERAL GRIEVOUS THE FROG: So? Movies are contrived. Try to think of a real plan next time.
DARTH SIDIOUS THE FROG (stiffly): I have a real plan.
GENERAL GRIEVOUS THE FROG: Indeed? What is it?
DARTH SIDIOUS THE FROG: I’m not telling you.
COUNT DOOKU THE FROG: He’s just mad because his idea didn’t work. Come on, General Grievous the Frog. I’ll bet the two of us can come up with a good plan. (They hop off.)
DARTH SIDIOUS THE FROG: Ah, excellent. I know my plan will succeed this time. I have foreseen it.

(The Heroes are standing around a table.)
OBI-WAN: It seems the frogs survived the cliff, so we need to be prepared for another assault. I don’t know when it will come, so I want us to be constantly watching. I’ll take the first patrol, if no one objects.
THE WALKER: I’ll take the second one. Uh, how long are these patrols going to be?
ANAKIN: One hundred miles, of course. What did you expect?
OBI-WAN: One or two hours. Anakin, did I just hear you say you wanted to take a midnight patrol?
ANAKIN: Not at all, Master. I’ll take the third one if you want, though.
FALCON: I’ll take the fourth, unless that means it’s a night patrol.
OBI-WAN: While the rest of you figure out the schedule, I’m going to start the patrols. For all we know, they could be right outside.

(GENERAL GRIEVOUS THE FROG and COUNT DOOKU THE FROG are sitting in the bushes outside of the Heroes’ headquarters.)
GENERAL GRIEVOUS THE FROG: I’m not sure what I think about this. I seem to be the only one taking any risks.
COUNT DOOKU THE FROG: Nonsense! Heroes are weak. They put too much trust in the laws of fiction. They say they will always win, and perhaps they will, but that doesn’t keep some of them from dying first. Just jump them one at a time.
GENERAL GRIEVOUS THE FROG: If you say so. What will you be doing while I’m attacking the Heroes?
COUNT DOOKU THE FROG: I’ll be recruiting for our army. I know some of the frogs are loyal to Darth Sidious the Frog personally. I will kill them and ensure the rest will recognize our leadership. (COUNT DOOKU THE FROG hops away.)
GENERAL GRIEVOUS THE FROG: Something still doesn’t seem right.
(OBI-WAN comes out of the building and starts walking away. GENERAL GRIEVOUS THE FROG follows him. OBI-WAN is out of sight of the building when GENERAL GRIEVOUS THE FROG steps out from behind him.)
OBI-WAN: Of all the times to forget my comlink...(Pulls out his lightsaber.)
(GENERAL GRIEVOUS THE FROG opens his mouth. His tongue splits into four parts, each one holding a lightsaber. They all activate.)
OBI-WAN: Do you have any idea of how disgusting and unsanitary that is?
(GENERAL GRIEVOUS THE FROG attacks him. They fight for a while. OBI-WAN is forced to back up. MINION SEVEN, looking over his shoulder, comes running up and knocks OBI-WAN over. OBI-WAN loses his lightsaber. MINION SEVEN yells in terror and runs, leaving his gun behind. OBI-WAN grabs the gun and shoots GENERAL GRIEVOUS THE FROG.)
GENERAL GRIEVOUS THE FROG (gasping): What? Since when do Jedi use blasters? (Rolls over on his back and dies.)
OBI-WAN: Since frogs started using lightsabers, that’s when. (Sighs with regret.) So uncivilized.

Act 2, Scene 2. The Frog Army Strikes Back.

(COUNT DOOKU THE FROG is standing at the head of the Frog Army. Before them is the Heroes’ headquarters. MINION SEVEN is nowhere to be seen.)
COUNT DOOKU THE FROG: It is time for us to take our place as rightful masters of the world! We shall drive the pathetic Heroes off the planet and rule forever!
(The Frog Army croaks happily and they all hop toward the headquarters. VALOR is on patrol. She sees them and runs inside.)
VALOR: The Frog Army is coming! They look ready for battle!
ASTELLA: Let them come! We’re ready for them!
FERDINAND: Everyone but Anakin. Where is he, anyway?
OBI-WAN (with a sigh): Off visiting some girl. Oh well. I’ll call his comlink and get him to come back. We can hold them off ourselves until he arrives.
(The Heroes open the windows of the house and point their guns out. OBI-WAN stays back and pulls out his comlink.)
COUNT DOOKU THE FROG: Charge! (Drops to the back of the Frog Army.)
(The Frog Army surges slowly forward. The fight begins. The frogs stop moving forward and just shoot at the headquarters. The fight goes on for a short time before ANAKIN arrives behind the Frog Army.)
ANAKIN: Hey, don’t you know it’s not polite to block the road?
COUNT DOOKU THE FROG: You! Kill him, quickly!
(The members of the Bad Guy Army start toward him and then stop.)
MINION A: Forget this!
(The Bad Guy Army dashes away.)
ANAKIN: Come kill me yourself, slime!
COUNT DOOKU THE FROG: Frogs aren’t slimy! (Activates lightsaber and charges at ANAKIN. They duel for a while.)
(The rest of the Frog Army continues to attack the headquarters, with a frog leaving every few seconds. COUNT DOOKU THE FROG ends up running away. ANAKIN chases him off the screen. He comes back a bit later, alone. The Heroes come out of the headquarters.)
OBI-WAN: Well, that’s two of the Frogs down. There’s still the third one to worry about, though. I wonder where he is?

(MINION SEVEN is still running. He crashes into CAPTAIN and knocks him over.)
CAPTAIN: Minion Seven! Just where do you think you’re going?
MINION SEVEN (babbling): Away. Somewhere else. Anywhere those crazy frogs aren’t. They’re going to kill us all!
CAPTAIN: Hmm. Maybe someone should get rid of them.
MINION SEVEN: Anyone but me! I couldn’t stand to be next to those cold-blooded creeps for one second! (Starts running again.)
DARTH VADER: Do you have any aspirations to kill them yourself?
CAPTAIN: Not really. Maybe we should work together. Isn’t that what Heroes do, anyway?
DARTH VADER: Good point. Let’s go, then.
(They walk off into the trees. Ahead of them, DARTH SIDIOUS THE FROG is laughing.)
DARTH SIDIOUS THE FROG: Mwahahahahahaha! My plan has succeeded! My pesky subordinates have killed themselves on the Heroes! Mwhahahahahahaha! Now I can go and rule the world alone! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(While he is laughing, DARTH VADER walks up behind him and kills him.)
DARTH VADER: That was remarkably easy.
CAPTAIN: Wow. It feels interesting, behaving like a Hero. I could get used to this.
DARTH VADER: Don’t get too fond of it. Eventually we will get General Grievous out of his prison and stop being Heroes. (They start to walk away.) It did feel good, though, didn’t it?

Act 2, Scene 3. Return of General Grievous.

(OBI-WAN and ANAKIN are walking together.)
OBI-WAN: Well, the Bad Guy Army pulled off the planet last night. I suppose they’re going to regroup and come back for General Grievous later.
ANAKIN: Mmhmm.
OBI-WAN: What about you? Any more bad dreams?
ANAKIN: No. Not since I turned down the dark side.
(They walk by a hole. GENERAL GRIEVOUS pokes his head out of it. OBI-WAN shoves him back in.)
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: Hey! It took me all that time to get there!
(OBI-WAN turns away from him.)
OBI-WAN: Well, that should give us another year or so of peace.
ANAKIN: That’s good. Um, you know that girl I’ve visited a couple of times?
OBI-WAN: Yes. What about her?
ANAKIN (nervously): Um, well, she’s really great. And, um, I was hoping for a chance to, um, spend more time with her. So, um, if you don’t mind, maybe I could, um, take a vacation from being a Hero? Since all the threats are gone for now?
OBI-WAN: I suppose it’s all right. We shouldn’t be needed for a while yet. Just...be careful. I’m pretty sure you’re changing something you’re not supposed to.
ANAKIN: Well, I already have changed history. I should have turned to the dark side by now.
OBI-WAN: True enough. And you’ve done a lot. I suppose you deserve a vacation now.
ANAKIN: Thanks! (He runs off happily.)


(The lesser Heroes are standing in a room. An ENEMY walks in with a gun. The Heroes pull out their own guns and aim them at him.)
ENEMY: Wait! All of you need to be dead at the beginning of Episode IV. So I’m supposed to kill you all now.
THE WALKER: What? You’re outnumbered seven to one! Nobody will ever believe you killed us all!
FALCON: Besides, I don’t want to sit down and die. That’s just stupid.
THE DIRECTOR: Too bad. You need to die here. It’s supposed to be a tragic ending, and the Heroes of the next three episodes aren’t supposed to have a lot of help. So die.
JACKIE: Forget it.
VALOR: I’m not going to just let him kill me.
ENEMY: You can’t! You’ll be changing the course of history!
(The Heroes all fire at the same time. The ENEMY vanishes.)
FERDINAND: If Anakin can change history, so can we.
ASTELLA: I guess that’s how the Jedi died out.
ALEXANDRA: Good thing we’re smarter than them. Long live the Heroes!
(The Heroes all laugh and walk off screen.)
THE DIRECTOR: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The End.