If Middle-Earth had Gun Sword Control
Sequel to If Middle-Earth Entered the 21st Century...

*Beacon-fire transcript courtesy of Endor Department of Weapons-Control

Good afternoon, this is Endor Department of Weapons, Rohan branch. How may I help you?
I am Eomer son of Eomund. I need a sword.
First of all, you have to answer a few questions. Are you over 21 years of age?
Yes.
Have you been convicted of any misdemeanors or felonies?
Grima Wormtongue charged me with treason, but…
Then you are not eligible for a weapon.
But it was Grima…a false charge…
I’m sorry, sir. Next?

I am Theoden King of Rohan. I need my sword back.
If you wish to renew your license, you’ll need to take weapons training and undergo a background check.
What?
There is also a 24-hour waiting period.
I ride to war today!
War is not the answer, Theoden King.
Excuse me, have you ever met an orc?
No. Next caller?

I am Haleth son of Hamir. I need a sword for the battle of Helm’s Deep.
Are you 21?
No, I have seen ten winters.
No weapons are granted to children.
But I’ll die!
If you wish to hunt, you may share a gun with your father.
Hunt? We need to kill orcs!
What is it about orcs? You must learn to settle disagreements peacefully. Next.

I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn.
I suppose you want a sword as well.
No, I already have one.
What model, sir?
It’s Anduril, Narsil reforged.
Elven blades are classified as prohibited weapons under ordnance Parma-367.
Excuse me?
However, you can apply for a cancelled dagger permit, but it would only be lawful in your own residence. You’d need a different permit for carrying it on horseback.
I am Isildur’s heir.
You also should undergo physiological testing before receiving any weapons. Next.

I am Gandalf the White.
There is no Gandalf the White in our records.
I was Gandalf Greyhame, but no longer.
Do you have a permit for your weapons?
I didn’t pass through fire and death to quibble with a witless worm about carrying weapons.
If you are dissatisfied, we have complaint forms available.
Tens of thousands of orcs are converging upon Helm’s Deep even as we speak! We must have our weapons for the battle.
So, these orcs have weapons, then?
No, they carry overripe po-ta-toes… of course, they have weapons!
Wait a minute, let me check my records…ah, here it is, Please permit passage of 10,000 armed uruk-hai to Helm’s Deep. Signed, Saruman the White.