Part II: Friends How can you love how can you hate the only ones who understand your grief?   I know Arkn told the others Grace doesn’t stop at my locker Evan doesn’t say hi Mandy doesn’t slip a note inside       Perhaps its best my locker is up by the freshman instead of where juniors and seniors hang out (I had chosen it because of my schedule the location was perfect) but lonely   Evan doesn’t argue my points in history like he normally does 4th hour, math Mandy sits on the other side of the room with other juniors but we’ve always are friends --were friends?— and since Arkn chose us—   No   I can’t think of him without crying and rumors spread so easily so I force myself to act normal   “normal”   5th hour always takes forever so I’m late to lunch and only potatoes are left on the pretzel bar automatically my legs carry me over to our table I set down my tray “So,” I say   the word hangs in the air like a dagger over Macbeth “So.”   Grace speaks first “Arkn told us…”   His name releases the faucet of my eyes Salt soaks my potato silently   Grace who rarely initiates conversation touches my shoulder   Finally I blink and look up at them “He told you”   “He said your mother had forbidden him from coming But he said to ask you about the rest” Evan fidgets   “I don’t know He came when I had pizza We went to the memory room She was screaming about boyfriends and demons” Tears well up again “And I think she threw the pizza away”   “A boyfriend?” Mandy raises an eyebrow “You are the least boy-crazy girl I know”   “So I don’t count?” Evan teases   “You’re a boy who is crazy Not an object of boy-crazy” Mandy replies   Please I think Please don’t treat it so lightly All my life I’ve longed for adventure Lost count of how many wardrobes I’ve entered Lost count of dreams of flight When Arkn came I had adventure Now I’d lost it and all I have is memories and   “I’m not of the Eldar Memories aren’t like waking life or dreams! It’s over!”   Grace Evan Mandy stare at me The last words were spoken aloud I stand pick up my tray “I’m not hungry” The emptiness in my chest cannot be filled by food   But I can’t escape them I work with Grace after school cleaning for two hours dullest job ever   but normally Arkn gives us a question to discuss and the time passes quickly   but today I punch it shove to the back to sweep the garage it’s cold I shiver but at least I’m alone   alone   I finish up go to hose down but the hose hates my guts water sprays out the back of the head bounces off the walls and when I detach it it soaks my leg at least when I’m so wet no one knows I was crying   time crawls   Finally, I punch out without looking at Grace my mom pulls up I think of asking her about Arkn but I never was good at being bold   instead she asks me “Want to drive home?

  No, I don’t but I take the wheel to distract myself I glance in the rearview mirror to back up   Grace stands by her car arms twisted together against her chest like the trust fall we’d done once at camp our sign for Arkn   But no one caught me I am f  a    l      l        i          n             g   I press the pedal and drive away   At home I log in to a fantasy forum I joined before --Arkn— before but the electronic words seem flat I switch to Facebook a window pops up with Mandy’s avatar the words Bailey, talk to me I exit the window and wander onto SuperPoke pets   It opens again Bailey, talk to me Arkn said—   I have homework I typed bye   But Bailey, listen he says—   I slam down the laptop hard   at least today’s Friday at least I don’t have to face them tomorrow at least I’ll be alone   Alone