I was reading articles online the other day and they reminded me why I spent my youth differently from my peers. I have never understood why our current culture is so "into" the dating game. It is entirely illogical to think that spending years going from relationship to relationship during your youth will somehow prepare you for the reality of a marriage relationship. I suppose if the reader's idea of marriage is of yet another temporal relationship, then it isn't that strange to "date" one person after another beforehand, but the historical meaning of marriage - the one that has been the basis of the human family for our species for thousands of years - implies a permanency that is completely undermined by the "dating game". It is easy to see why divorce rates have sky-rocketed since this new idea of "marriage preparation" really started to take hold. Consequently families are being torn apart and we have generations of children who have no idea what a family is even supposed to look like, let alone how to build a healthy one of their own.

I can remember looking around at my friends in Jr. High (Jr. High mind you!) and wondering what in the world they were thinking. They weren't even old enough to drive and they were switching "sweethearts" on a regular basis (and we aren't talking just calling someone a boyfriend but being physical with them as well!) - one day drawing initials with hearts around them, and the next hating the one they had just insisted they loved and ready to move on to someone else. I couldn't understand why they would consider "dating" when they were obviously not going to be together until they were old enough to marry. These "kids" would not be the people they began a family with - why bother with all the heartache in the meantime? Not only did they lose friendships with guys - but often they lost close frienships with girls they had been friends with since kindergarten - all over some "boyfriend" trouble. Why? Even today, as a grown woman, I can not understand why kids do this - and why adults allow it. I must insist that my children will never be allowed to waste their time and their hearts this way. Especially since I know from experience that the dating game isn't necessary.

I knew by the time I was 14 I wasn't going to "date" like my friends. I knew that I would not begin a relationship with anyone if it wasn't going to lead to marriage one day - there just wasn't any point otherwise - and I told myself I would only kiss the man I was going to marry. This kept me away from the messes my friends experienced, and left me time to prepare myself for a real relationship someday. I focused on knowing who I was and what I wanted, and left the rest of my peers to run around like animals in heat. I did not "stay away from boys" entirely, but my friendships with them were just that --friendships. I was able to enjoy having guys as friends and I could really get to know them because I wasn't "looking" for a boyfriend. By the time I was 16 I had a pretty good idea of what I was looking for in a marriage partner, and I was comfortable waiting on God's timing. I had finished high school and was planning on Bible College (though the money for that never went through - but I had no way of knowing that at the time), and I was very active helping run a worship service at my church and volunteering in all sorts of different ministries - from nursing homes to job corps Bible studies. I was at peace with myself - and I think that's something young women today rarely find since they are so busy being "in a relationship".

When I met my husband I knew within that first week that he was someone I wanted to know better - even if we barely spoke to each other the whole week. :) Of course, that was a bit complicated for us due to the fact that he was to return to his home state, but I wasn't about to say no when he asked if he could write me. :) It didn't take many letters for us to realize how much we had in common, and by the next fall we were discussing the idea of marriage (though I wouldn't have even been in the "relationship" that far in the first place if I didn't believe we were headed for marriage). We sent letters full of "treasure hunts" - what we called the encouraging Scriptures we wanted to share with each other (written by hand - this was way before email!) - and recorded tapes as audio letters. He would send me cards and other sweet nothings - once he sent me a box of cookies (they ended up flattened in the mail, but I ate them anyway), :) and he even sent me an envelope full of the reddest rose petals with gold glitter (the rose wouldn't mail, but the petals did - I took them, placed them in wax paper, and turned them into a bookmarker for my Bible which I still have). We were able to get to know each other very well. :) I still have all the cards and tapes he sent, and the letters are all tied up with a ribbon in a special "treasure box". The next New Year's Eve he was out visiting my family and asked me to marry him in front of my entire church - he was obviously pretty confident in my answer! :)

When I think back on our special "getting to know each other time" - whatever you want to label it (courtship, dating towards marriage, etc.), I know that I want my boys to have the same kind of memories to cherish. Not necessarily the long distance ones, but I do want them to have the opportunity to enter a relationship looking toward marriage with a whole heart - not one that's been given out to different people a little piece at a time. I'm not sure exactly when our culture began to change the way it looked at relationships - but it's high time something was done about it. I have no desire for my boys to be added to the walking wounded of the "dating game" - and as their parent I can insist that they listen to my reasoning. There is more to marriage than this dangerous "game" would have us believe - and it's time that those of us who know this share that knowledge with the rest of the culture. I just can't believe that this "game" is so much fun that people aren't able to stand back and look at it in a reasonable way - it's like gambling and losing over and over again from your early teens on, and gambling with your most valuable possessions - yourself and your heart.