The fully loaded car was running and music was playing. Sunbeams reflected off of the windshield while the light danced around patches of grime left behind by grasshoppers and pesky birds.

"Let it go...let it GOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

I think Gretchen purposefully put a Disney soundtrack in before I picked up the kids. She knows how much I detest that stuff.

Greg waived at his sister in the rearview mirror and tried to tell himself that she wasn't smirking at him.

"Prankster."

"What'd you say, Uncle Greg?"

The grass unfurls like a carpet all the way to the dusty road. We are playing, my laughter emerging in firecracker bursts. Clark has his baseball cars splayed out on the ground where we've trampled down the lawn with bare feet. He points to Joe DiMaggio and waves a freckled hand over his face. Joe is gone.

I hoot again, disbelief swirled up with my joy like on a painter’s palette. “How’re you doin’ that?”

He grins, and dimples sprout on both cheeks. “I ain’t gonna tell.”

I shake my head at him. “I’ll just look it up in a book.”

Staring blankly into the starlight
Yearningly, longingly, tearfully.
Watching the moon meander ‘cross the sky,
I’m thinking and dreaming of you.

Insomnia’s got a hold on me
ADD’s been hounding me
My brain is playing tricks on me
Sweating, striving, pushing.

You’re there—I know you’re there
But who are you, which one?
Darkness shrouds my forward vision
I squint—and stare in vain.

Tiny child, by your parents torn apart,
I wish I could hold you in my arms; not my heart.
Unloved, unprotected, not held by loving hands;
Your demise is cheered on and upheld in this land.

Unloved, unwanted, torn and abused:
Cast aside for selfish pleasure, broken; confused.
They pursued their own lust and chased after their pleasure,
Not facing their sins but removing their treasure.

Screams wrenched the atmosphere.
When the Twins crushed and killed it was called unfair.
Was it "them" or us? Questions everywhere.
All I know is God was there.

A mighty tornado went twisting down;
Homes demolished in many a town.
Death allowed to reap what was sown.
I know He was there, they were not alone.

Our soldiers give their lives in brave fight.
We let our trust take a cowardly flight.
We say goodby yet cry, distraught, in fright.
We forget they are held in the hand of His might.

The evil laugh of Arthur
Descended down the stair;
It made the night seem darker,
And warned me to beware...

Lest craziness engulf me,
Consuming all my brain:
And nothing then be left me,
Save conscience gone insane.

The evil laugh of Arthur
It fills this house's halls,
When he's up late, much farther
Than wisdom e're allows.

His friends will moan, thus pleading,
"Oh, Arthur, please, forbear!
Cease and desist thy leading,
Of all unto despair!"

I smiled at my little girl and imagined what frame would fit best around this pose of hers. And then I stopped smiling. There were tears in her eyelashes. I looked closer and noticed the little pucker just below the left side of her lips that she always wore when she was sad or hurt. I wondered what was wrong. I forgot about the perfect frame and worried about my little daughter. I wondered if I should wake her up and ask what was wrong. Her mother would have known. But her mother wasn't here. I shook my head as I turned to go out the door and then I stopped.

Failure. That's my name. I have always been, and always will be, a failure. There is no changing that.
When I was a kid I failed at school. I failed at dance class. I failed to do my chores. I failed as a sister, I failed as a daughter, but the biggest failure of all was my failure as a Christian.

I pulled into the drive and found a spot to park my car. I took the key out of the ignition and put it in my purse. I looked at my hands, palms up. They were shaking and sweating like crazy. I clenched them into fists to steady them and gritted my teeth.
"You can do this," I whispered to myself. "It'll be better this way."

The kingdom where I've come
Is under fire
The place where I've been planted
Is in a war

So, Lord, please

Stretch me over this kingdom
When rain drops fall
Bend me into a solid wall
Too tall to climb

Thicken my skin to bare
Each arrow
Strengthen my walk so
I may lead

When it feels I'm called to Ninevah
Lord, keep my gaze upon the innocents

Keep whispering in my
Upturned, waiting ear
"Thou art come to the kingdom
Just for this"