Warfare
This was a timed essay. I was given 10 minutes in which to write it. As such, it will be somewhat rough. Any criticism or ideas for improvement will be very welcome.
This was a timed essay. I was given 10 minutes in which to write it. As such, it will be somewhat rough. Any criticism or ideas for improvement will be very welcome.
o.o.c: I'm posting this first chapter to see if I get a good response. If you want more, comment.
"Good morning Daniel," a digital-sounding voice said.
"Good morning Eden." Daniel yawned.
"What can I do for you, sir?"
"Send Jars in, will you?"
"Right away, sir."
"Thank you."
Daniel Norris was eighteen years old. Both his parents had died leaving him an orphan. His parents' will left him the family fortune including the family mansion. The mansion was run by two of Daniel's inventions; Eden and Jars.
He sat there. The ground was hard, rocky. The bench was full at the bus stop where he slept.
A little girl, maybe three or four, glanced at him. He twisted, his joints aching like someone had put lead in his bones, and looked her full in the face. She quickly looked away, giggling. Her mother, who held a baby boy on her hip, clutched her daughter’s hand and glared at him. When he ignored her and smiled at the girl, she stood up sharply.
o.o.c: This chapter is extremely short, and I apologize.
Notes:
This has been very much revised compared to my first draft. If you haven't read my first draft, don't; at least not until you've read this one. I am leaving it on apricotpie only for history's sake.
Thank you Anna for your comment, it has helped me improve this story a great deal. I have hopefully gotten rid of my major problems and added a few characters. (Well, I had them planned before, they just didn't appear until a latter chapter)
Pete paced around the island for the forty-second time.
"We're stuck here," he said, dejectedly swinging his wrench.
"No we're not. Look down there," J-Boy pointed over the side of the island.
Pete ran to look.
Here's the story I promised..
Sorry I haven't been able to finish it, but I'm getting pretty busy.. prepping to move out and such...
Anyways.. enjoy it..
Hi Guys! :)
Okay, here's another 9-page chapter. YAY! haha...
Thanks for waiting a couple weeks while I posted poems. :) I wish there wasn't a post limit on AP but it's probably best that there is...seeing as I would be posting several things a day. LOL!
-Homey ;)
P.S. Enjoy!! Thoughts?
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This is the first sci-fi story I've written that has a clearly defined goal... which, in this case, is pure survival.. :D Hope y'all enjoy it.
*****
He yanked quickly back on the control stick, pulling the sleek craft into a tight loop. A plasma bolt exploded into a blue-tinged fireball where he had been only moments earlier.
Captain Lofton breathed a quick prayer of thanks before spinning his craft into a tight Immelman loop.
There was once a rich and powerful kingdom called Modeñia. The King of Modeñia’s name was Karshë; he was peace loving, and a good ruler. In fact, his passion for peace was so strong, it blinded him to the looming danger. For, when war threatened, he went to the enemy himself to ask for peace, not understanding that the enemy did not want peace, and failing to first prepare a defense...
This is the sad story of the Kingdom of Modeñia, and of the brave Prince Zobed. This is my story, the faithful friend and servant of Prince Zobed.