Blake’s knuckles were turning a ghastly white as he grasped the steering wheel, speeding towards the Tasser's house.
He pulled into the driveway, and hopped out of the car. Coming through the front door, he came across Bruce sipping his coffee.
"Is Elise here?" Blake's words tumbled out of his mouth.
"Yes....I thought she was talking to you in her room."
"Thanks.....do you mind if....?"
With a nod from Bruce, Blake ran up the stairs, two at a time to Elise's room. He threw open the door.
No one was there.
There were the bed sheets strewn about on the floor, the phone was on the carpet with its batteries scattered.
He went back downstairs. "She's gone," he said to Bruce, "Gone to another world. And I didn't believe her."
*****
Elise opened her eyes, slowly. Where was she? Some sort of hospital.
“Achmm…. Hello?”
A bunch of people bustled over. A doctor, Elise assumed, began examining her body. After he was satisfied, he called out. “Nurse, will you please attend to the patient. She is free to go; call a water-blance to take her to the castle.”
A fresh, friendly looking young lady swam over to her. Swam? Elise looked at what she was wearing. A mermaid tail.
Great. So…I’m back there...here.
“Hey sweetie! I’m nurse Pilla.” The lady said in a peppy voice, a smile spreading wide to reveal lovely, big teeth.
The girl began to plump up the coral pillows on the bed while she talked.
“I’ll call for the water-blance in a minute to take you to the castle. Her Highness, Princess Rilla, was getting quite worried about you. Your ‘journey’ or something.”
“I see,” Elise said. Water-blance. What’s a water-blance?
Pilla picked up a purple clamshell and started talking into it. Elise stared unbelievingly for a few seconds; it took her a while to realise it was a phone. Pilla put it back on the receiver, and turned to face her.
“The water-blance will be here any minute.”
“Where will it be taking me?”
“To the palace, of course,” laughed Pilla. “Everybody’s expecting you.”
Elise shook her head. Everyone’s expecting….me?
She would find out later.
***
Pilla had wrapped a snowy white gown around Elise for clothes. A minute later she was hustled into a carriage looking thing. Unseen hands drew the snow white curtains around her as she felt the jolt of the carriage as the dolphins took off. Dolphins?
She peeked out from the curtains to see the blue dolphins, the water glimmering off their backs.
They passed through the glow-worm lit streets, the dolphins swimming gracefully all the way.
They stopped at the pearl structured gates, the mer-folk's crystal castle.
The Palace. Why here?
As she was assisted out of the carriage by a nice mer-boy, she began to realize that she was in this world for a bigger reason.
Something was afoot. And she didn't like it.
*****
Rilla’s parlour was more beautiful than anything else Elise had seen. Soft seaweed walls, coral decor, big plush lounges shaped like clam shells, colourful fish swimming here and there.
Rilla seated herself on a lounge and beckoned for Elise to do the same on the one facing opposite her.
“Why didn't you come?” Her voice was questioning, with an eagerness.
Elise felt a sudden resistance come over her. She shrugged.
“Oh….I dunno.”
Rilla leant forward with a menacing look in her eye.
“You came here for a reason,” she hissed.
“But, BUT why am I here?” Elise but in.
Rilla sat back down, her eyes calming down to their normal blue.
“You are the Chosen One.” She leant back, feeling fully satisfied that that would explain everything. Apparently Elise didn't feel convinced what that meant at all.
“The…Chosen One?”
Rilla nodded. “Uh huh.”
Elise made an indignant gesture. “What Chosen One? I didn’t even mean to come. I’m nobody. I come from another world! What are you talking about?"
A rustling sound came from the corridor out the open door.
“Hush little one. It’s in the prophecy. The chosen one will set us free of the bond we are to be set. It's your destiny."
Critique all you want!! I think my greatest issue is making it too corny or unrealistic, and then making the chapters way too short.
Comments
:)
Thanks for your honesty! That is always appreciated. :)
I was worried. I had my doubts about Bruce (Elise's Father) shaking Blake, but I didn't about the yelling. Hmm, yeah that makes more sense. I will definitely change that.
You're right, but--I suck at coming up with the ideas! And as you said that, in the next chapter it all just came to me--it's way to ordinary.....so predictable. What am I going to do?? That was what I was asking myself yesterday.....as I quickly had a break from writer's block....and I have to tie in something about her mother as well....*groan*....oh well. If somebody gives me an exact idea, what is supposed to happen, I'll write it brilliantly. If someone puts paper in front of me and says write a story, I'll be thinking there for half an hour. So, if you have any ideas, I am open. :)
Oh no. As it is a life long novel, it will take years to write.....it also has an ordinary plot. Crikey.
Megan, I just wanted to say thank you so much for following my story the whole way through. It's been a real encouragement; just correcting all my grammar and stuff. Thanks :). And I can't wait for that story you've been working on!
Goodbye? Oh no, please. Can’t we just go back to page one and start all over again?” – Winnie The Pooh
What if...
What if Elise's mom's disappearance is related to Elise's reason why she is in the ocean with the mermaids! I have other details, but you're writing this, and not me.
I am so thrilled to have writers that are excited for the unseen! ;)
"It is not the length of life, but the depth of life." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Yeah, that's what I had
Yeah, that's what I had planned....but why?! Oh, I'll figure that out. :) Eventually.
You sent me an email via AP, but I tried to email you back it didn't work.
EDIT: HEY! I just figured it all out!!
Goodbye? Oh no, please. Can’t we just go back to page one and start all over again?” – Winnie The Pooh
:)
I like it much better...I like the part where Bruce tells him that Elise was just talking to him...but wouldn't have been so admitting and maybe would have called Elise's father up...but I am the one that's being picky.
Good job!
"It is not the length of life, but the depth of life." Ralph Waldo Emerson
GOOD! What do you mean? I
GOOD! What do you mean? I don't get that.
Thanks, private editor!!
Goodbye? Oh no, please. Can’t we just go back to page one and start all over again?” – Winnie The Pooh
I mean that I loved this part because it was really realistic...
"Is Elise here?" Blake's words tumbled out of his mouth.
"Yes....I thought she was talking to you in her room."
"Thanks.....do you mind if....?"
and that I don't think Blake after finding out the room was empty, would have all of sudden assumed that she had been transported. He would have at least called Bruce upstairs.
:)
"It is not the length of life, but the depth of life." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Thu, 01/17/2013 - 23:11
In reply to I mean that I loved this part because it was really realistic... by Lucy Anne
Oh right. Thanks. I thought
Oh right. Thanks. I thought that he better ask Bruce's permission and stuff...
I thought about Blake telling Bruce....but then I decided not to bother.
EDIT: Actually, I will. Stand by.
EDIT: I half did it.
Goodbye? Oh no, please. Can’t we just go back to page one and start all over again?” – Winnie The Pooh
:)
To be honest, I thought that this chapter was not your best. It was maybe too dramatic and too...ordinary.
I don't think that Blake would have shouted at Elise's father and I don't think that Elise's father would have shook Blake. Blake is not sure what happened to Elise so I think that he would have remained calmer and instead of yelling at Elise's father, he would have asked if Elise was here (really quick) and then, Elise's dad will say yes (he's been watching TV all this time and saw Elise go into her room and doesn't know anything of transporting so why would he think Blake did something to Elise....you know what I mean). Also, the idea of Chosen One and destiny is really common among us teenage writers and in order for us to write something using this idea blown-away-amazing is to blow away your reader by twisting this idea into something greater and different.
So, that's my critique but I am looking forward to the next two chapters that are in the submission process!
You mentioned that you were writing a life-long novel or something...why don't you post it on AP?
"It is not the length of life, but the depth of life." Ralph Waldo Emerson