Author's Note: I do not, of course, own any of the Star Wars characters. Everything else, I believe, is mine and my brothers'. I also made no attempt to keep the Star Wars characters true to their characters; they all act according to my whims and sense of humor. The whole thing started with my younger brothers and me playing with our LEGO minifigs, so if you want to visualize this, think LEGO.

Planet Wars
Episode I: The Phantom Doom

VOICE: It is a time of turmoil for the galaxy. General Grievous and his Bad Guy Army have uncovered the secrets of the mysterious Dooms, and are poised to conquer the galaxy with their new weapons. All that stands in their way is a small band of Heroes armed only with the laws of fiction…

Act 1, Scene 1. The Phantom Introductions

Enter all characters. CAPTAIN begins to speak.

CAPTAIN:  I am honored this day to present...
(A ball strikes CAPTAIN in the chest. CAPTAIN falls over backwards.)
CAPTAIN: Hey! Who did that?!
(Smothered laughter from the Heroes.)
CAPTAIN: How dare you! (CAPTAIN charges the Heroes. The MINIONS and HENCHMAN follow him. The rest of the scene is a brawl that everyone joins.)
NARRATOR: We’re sorry, but due to time constraints, the introductions will have to wait. Please see the next episode for the full and complete introductions.

Intermission

Act 1, Scene 2. Attack of the Dooms

(GENERAL GRIEVOUS is standing near MINION A, who is holding an ancient scroll.)
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: How goes the translation, Minion A?
MINION A: Very well, sir! Soon we will be able to unleash the first of the Dooms on an unsuspecting galaxy! (MINION A laughs maniacally.)
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: Since when do Minions laugh like that? Are you trying to take over my job?
MINION A: No, sir. Very sorry, sir. I won’t do it again, sir.
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: Good. I would hate to feel threatened. You wouldn’t like it either.
MINION A: Yes, sir. I understand, sir.
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: I doubt it. (GENERAL GRIEVOUS turns to leave and runs into DARTH VADER.)
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: I have good news, Vader. The Fist of Incomprehensible Doom will soon be ready.
DARTH VADER: I hope it works. I have little trust in ancient records.
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
DARTH VADER: I prefer cynicism to blind trust in precarious science.
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: That sounds strange, coming from you.
DARTH VADER (hastily): If you’ll excuse me, I’ll go ready the Bad Guy Army for our assault.

(OBI-WAN and ANAKIN are talking together.)
OBI-WAN: I’m worried. We haven’t heard anything from General Grievous for a while. This peace just isn’t like him.
ANAKIN: I wouldn’t worry, Master. We’ll be ready for him when he comes. After all, we’re Heroes. We can’t lose. It would break all the laws of fiction.
OBI-WAN: True enough. All the same, I’d feel better if I knew what he was up to. (Comlink buzzes. OBI-WAN picks it up.)
OBI-WAN: Hello?
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: Beware, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Beware of the Fist of Incomprehensible Doom. (Comlink clicks.)
ANAKIN (laughing): The—the Fist of Incomprehensible Doom? Where did he get that from?
OBI-WAN: I have no idea. (Sighs.) Here we go again.

Act 1, Scene 3. Revenge of the Wall

(The Heroes are sitting together in a building, discussing what to do about General Grievous. Outside the building, the Bad Guy Army is preparing a battering ram. DARTH VADER is standing as far away as he can.)
FERDINAND: We could always send a strike team to the Bad Guy Army base and try to destroy the Fist of Incomprehensible Doom.
ASTELLA: We don’t even know what it looks like!
FALCON: So we’ll just blow everything up. It’s that simple.
OBI-WAN: If we completely destroy their base, all of the “civilized” nations will condemn our “unprovoked attack on the innocent Bad Guy Army.”
(There is a long silence.)
JACKIE: Why do we even bother saving the galaxy? It’d serve it right if we just left it alone.
ANAKIN: We’re Heroes. We can’t do anything but save the galaxy. It’s our job description; the laws of fiction won’t allow us to do anything else.
THE WALKER: So let’s blow up the laws of fiction.
VALOR: I don’t know about that. The laws of fiction have their uses. It’s why we can’t lose, you know.
ALEXANDRA: If we can learn what the Fist of Incomprehensible Doom looks like, we can send a sabotage team. Why don’t we just send a probe to the Bad Guy Army base?
(The Bad Guy Army has set the battering ram up in front of a small wall.)
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: Heroes! I will give you one chance to see the power of the Fist of Incomprehensible Doom before I use it to destroy you!
OBI-WAN: Or we could just step outside and see what it looks like ourselves.
(The Heroes walk outside of the building. The battering ram is swung at the wall.)
A DEEP VOICE: Omod! (The wall falls over.)
ASTELLA: Omod? What’s that supposed to mean? It’s utterly incomprehensible!
OBI-WAN: That’s it! That’s what the Incomprehensible Doom part of the Fist of Incomprehensible Doom is about! It’s just a battering ram that says “doom” incomprehensibly.
ANAKIN: That’s all? That’s the Fist of incomprehensible Doom? General Grievous is wasting his time.
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: Now watch in terror while I destroy your fortress!
(The battering ram is set up next to the Heroes’ building. The ram is swung.)
A DEEP VOICE: Omo...
(The wall falls on top of the battering ram.)
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: What? That’s impossible!
OBI-WAN: Maybe you should have tested it a few more times.
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: Insolent Jedi! I’ll destroy you all! Just wait! The rest of the Dooms will be the end of you!
ANAKIN: We’re so excited. Look, I’ll be napping soon, so please don’t be too loud when you bring out the rest of your Dooms. Try to keep them from breaking too loudly and all that.
(ANAKIN walks back into the building. The rest of the Heroes follow him.)
GENERAL GRIEVOUS (shouting): You won’t be so smug later. The Super Soaker of Soggy Doom is almost ready. We’ll see who’s smiling then!

Act 2, Scene 1. A New Doom

(The HENCHMEN are setting up the Super Soaker of Soggy Doom by a river. JAR-JAR BINKS walks by.)
JAR-JAR: Meesa likes a water fight!
(The HENCHMEN panic and shoot JAR-JAR, who is drenched.)
JAR-JAR: Meesa thinks that fun!
(The HENCHMEN grab the Super Soaker of Soggy Doom and start running. JAR-JAR follows. Two of the Heroes are walking in the other direction. The HENCHMEN see them, yell in panic, and shoot them with the Super Soaker of Soggy Doom. Both are soaked.)
JAR-JAR: Shoot meesa! Meesa likes it!
(One of the HENCHMEN pulls out a pistol and shoots JAR-JAR. JAR-JAR falls in half.)
HENCHMAN: Whew!
JAR-JAR: Meesa not like that. Meesa not like yousa. (JAR-JAR puts himself back together. HENCHMEN scream and start running again.)
CAPTAIN: What do you mean by running like that? You should be ashamed!
(HENCHMEN shoot CAPTAIN with the Super Soaker of Soggy Doom and keep running. JAR-JAR walks up behind CAPTAIN.)
JAR-JAR: Meesa wants water fight!
(CAPTAIN screams and starts running. JAR-JAR chases him. The Heroes follow him, more slowly.)
ALEXANDRA: I’m not sure this is a good idea.
FALCON: Sure it is. That must have been another one of those Dooms General Grievous keeps talking about. Obi-Wan will want to know all about it.
ALEXANDRA: I’m not talking about the Super Soaker. What if Jar-Jar takes notice of us?
FALCON: True. Tell you what; I’ll get either Obi-Wan or Anakin to come along. They’ll protect us. (Pulls out his comlink.)
ALEXANDRA: I’d rather have a nice pair of ear-plugs.
FALCON: Hey, Anakin? This is Falcon and Alexandra. We think we’ve seen the next of those Dooms General Grievous was talking about.
ANAKIN (sleepily): What’s it like?
FALCON: It’s a squirt gun of some type. That’s not the real problem, though. Jar-Jar’s around.
ANAKIN (fully awake): Jar-Jar? Why can’t you get Obi-Wan to handle him?
FALCON: Because you’re closer. Come on, you’re supposed to be a major Hero. Just grab some ear-plugs.
ALEXANDRA: Get some for us, too.
ANAKIN: Fine, fine. I’ll come and try to handle Jar-Jar and the new Doom. Just give me one minute and I’ll be over there.

(HENCHMEN run into the Bad Guy Army camp with the Super Soaker of Soggy Doom.)
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: Halt! Just what do you think you’re doing?
(HENCHMEN stop running.)
HENCHMAN: Sir, it’s Jar-Jar Binks! He ambushed us!
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: Jar-Jar Binks? That pestilential creature! Why didn’t you shoot him?
HENCHMAN: We did, sir! He put himself back together! And he liked being shot by the Super Soaker of Soggy Doom!
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: Hmmm.
(CAPTAIN comes running into the camp.)
CAPTAIN: Help! Jar-Jar is right behind me!
(HENCHMEN start pumping up the Super Soaker of Soggy Doom. JAR-JAR runs into the camp. Walking behind him are ALEXANDRA, FALCON, and ANAKIN.)
CAPTAIN: Wait! You’re not supposed to pump the Super Soaker of Soggy Doom more than five times!
(HENCHMEN pull the trigger. The Super Soaker of Soggy Doom explodes, dousing the HENCHMEN, CAPTAIN, GENERAL GRIEVOUS, and JAR-JAR with water.)
JAR-JAR:  Meesa likes getting wet! (He turns around and sees the three Heroes.) Meesa likes Anakin, too!
ANAKIN: Too bad. I don’t like you. Listen, Jar-Jar, do you like candy?
JAR-JAR: Meesa loves candy!
ANAKIN: Good. On the other side of the planet is a big mountain of candy. It’s all yours if you hurry.
JAR-JAR: Meesa be quick! (JAR-JAR runs off.)
ANAKIN: Now the two of you know how to handle him by yourself, so in the future, you don’t have to bother me to get rid of him. That really wasn’t worth my time.
FALCON: What, it wasn’t worth it to see General Grievous get soaked?
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: Impudent boy! I’ll make sure the next Doom gets you first!
FALCON: I’m trembling with terror. Come on, let’s go back to base and tell Obi-Wan the second Doom didn’t work either. If things keep up, this could be the most fun I’ve had all year.

Act 2, Scene 2. The Bad Guy Army Strikes Back

(GENERAL GRIEVOUS is talking with CAPTAIN.)
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: The Lightsaber of Inconsiderate Doom was finished just last night. It’s the perfect weapon; I know it will let me defeat the Heroes this time! There’s just one problem. I don’t know who should wield it. Darth Vader refuses to have anything to do with it, and I know better than to engage the Heroes personally unless I have to.
CAPTAIN: Why can’t I use the Lightsaber of Inconsiderate Doom? I’m a warrior, too.
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: You aren’t trained. You’d probably cut yourself in half. Learning how to use a lightsaber isn’t all that easy, and this is a double-bladed lightsaber.
CAPTAIN (huffily): If Darth Vader can use one, so can I.
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: No you can’t, because I’m not going to let you. I don’t want two halves of a soldier; he’s no good then.
(DARTH VADER enters.)
DARTH VADER: Why don’t you contact some of your old friends? Maybe they know of someone who could use the Lightsaber of Inconsiderate Doom.
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: I thought you didn’t want anything to do with it.
DARTH VADER: I don’t. If you find someone else, you won’t consider trying to force me to use it.
CAPTAIN: So are you scared of the Lightsaber of Inconsiderate Doom?
DARTH VADER: The track record of the Dooms isn’t encouraging so far. I don’t want to soil my reputation with stupidity.
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: Are you insulting me?
DARTH VADER: No more than usual, General.
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: Oh. Well, that’s okay then.
DARTH VADER: Good.
(DARTH VADER leaves.)
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: I’ll see if I can find someone to wield the Lightsaber of Inconsiderate Doom. Soon we will press on to ultimate victory!

(ASTELLA runs into the headquarters of the Heroes. She is holding a pair of macrobinoculars.)
ASTELLA: Where’s Obi-Wan? He needs to know about what I just saw over by the Bad Guy Army!
VALOR: Somewhere outside, I think. He left a few minutes ago.
(ASTELLA yells in frustration and runs outside. The Heroes inside the headquarters look at each other.)
FERDINAND: What was that about?
THE WALKER: If it’s important, someone will tell you a week after you need to know. I wouldn’t worry about it.

(ASTELLA and OBI-WAN are outside of the headquarters.)
ASTELLA: Obi-Wan, the Bad Guy Army just got a visit from Darth Maul! I don’t know why he’s there, but I saw his ship land and he went into their headquarters.
OBI-WAN: Oh, that’s just great. Darth Maul makes everyone who fights him fight stupidly. I hope he’s just visiting and doesn’t stick around to help them any.
ASTELLA (snickering): Maybe he’s the third Doom. If that’s the case, we won’t have to worry at all. The Dooms haven’t ever worked.
OBI-WAN: Maybe. Well, you should probably get back to your post. I’m going to try to work up some strategies in case Darth Maul does attack us. They probably won’t work, but I can try at least.

Act 2, Scene 3. The Return of Grievous Stupidity

(DARTH MAUL is standing in what is clearly a carbonite freezing chamber. He is holding the Lightsaber of Inconsiderate Doom.)
GENERAL GRIEVOUS’S VOICE: Now, you can’t kill a Hero. So what you need to do is defeat them and freeze them in carbonite. Then they won’t be dead, but they won’t be in our way, either.
DARTH MAUL: We understand this.
(Five of the Heroes walk into the room and stop abruptly. The door slams behind them.)
GENERAL GRIEVOUS’S VOICE: You will be no match for the Lightsaber of Inconsiderate Doom!
OBI-WAN: Oh, great. I knew this was a bad idea. I can already feel my brain melting.
DARTH MAUL: At last we will have some action! (Activates the Lightsaber of Inconsiderate Doom and holds it before him.)
(OBI-WAN and ANAKIN activate their lightsabers and walk forward, one to each side of DARTH MAUL. ANAKIN swings his lightsaber at DARTH MAUL’S lightsaber twice, turns around, and walks back.)
DARTH MAUL: Or not.
(OBI-WAN does the same thing, only from the other side. Each of the remaining Heroes [JACKIE, VALOR, and FERDINAND] shoots twice, one at a time. DARTH MAUL blocks all shots. This repeats three times.)
OBI-WAN: Must…fight…brain…melt…
(OBI-WAN charges forward at the same time as ANAKIN.)
DARTH MAUL: Wha…?
(DARTH MAUL turns in surprise and chops himself in half. The top half falls into the carbonite freezing chamber. The bottom half remains standing. GENERAL GRIEVOUS comes charging into the room, followed by the Bad Guy Army. DARTH VADER is in the back. GENERAL GRIEVOUS activates the carbonite freezing chamber.)
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: How dare you! Now I have to pay his medical bills. Do you have any idea of how expensive his surgery will be?
OBI-WAN: Yes. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be able to afford the insurance.
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: You may laugh now, but you won’t be laughing in a moment! The Temper Tantrum of Vaporous Doom is now complete! Minions, activate it!
DARTH VADER: I have a bad feeling about this.
(There is the sound of screaming and kicking. A pink mist begins to rise around the Bad Guy Army.)
MINION A: Oh, no! I just realized that I translated the scroll wrong! It isn’t the Temper Tantrum of Vaporous Doom; it’s the Temper Tantrum of Vapor-Us Doom!
BAD GUY ARMY: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
DARTH VADER: I knew it.
(The mist covers the Bad Guy Army completely. It stays there for a few more moments before dissipating. There is no sign of the Bad Guy Army.)
JACKIE: Do you suppose they’re really gone?
ANAKIN: Of course not. This is only the first in a trilogy. They’ll be back sooner or later.
OBI-WAN: And when they do, we’ll be ready for them. We’re Heroes, after all.

The End