Cringe:
I’m nearing the age of sixteen now, and every time I think about it, or someone mentions it, I cringe. I’d like to think that I don’t know why I’m so afraid of age, but I do.
Age, I have come to learn, is something that happens whether you like it or not; growing up is something entirely different. Growing up is a mental process. Sometimes Growing up comes with Age, but I know from experience and observance that you don’t need Age to Grow Up.
I grew up way too fast, and I know this, for I have grey hairs :P No, I’m not kidding. I have literally two or three bright white hairs which blatantly show up, stark against my dark brown hair (Not age actually, just Gene’s). Not only do I have grey hairs, but I feel like I have the responsibility to make sure that everyone around me is happy. I feel like I myself have to happy, in order for other people to be happy. I know this isn’t true, of course, or at least the reasonable side of my brain knows. That side knows that even if I was crying all day the world would still go on being sunny… But… the other, emotional, uncontrollable, and unreasonable side of my brain argues that if the world isn’t sad along with me, than my family will be (who are basically my world). I can’t have that.
I’ve grown up stressed out about meal time preparation, and getting kids to bed on time, and making sure everyone plays nicely. I think this is certainly an oldest thing, but I think it’s also been a “me” thing, and that it’s been self-induced. I take things WAY too seriously, I always have. In my house, I’m considered the second Mommy… and honestly? I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love the privileges, I love being my mom’s best friend, and I love being trusted with adult information. It truly feels natural at this point; I couldn’t live any other way.
Coming closer to the age of sixteen, I realize that there is TWO years, just two more years until I turn eighteen. I have two years, technically, to decide what I want to do. Everyone keeps asking me if I want to go to College, what I’m going to be, what I want to major in, what do I see myself doing when I’m out of the house. I have ZERO answers for all these questions, and it FREAKS ME OUT! My mom keeps comforting, telling me I don’t have to know now, that everything happens when it happens, and that whatever I’m meant to be will come to me in the right time. This information, as loving and true as it is, sucks for me. This gives me no answers, it gets me nowhere… I’m STILL FREAKED OUT! At this point, whenever I start thinking about such daunting thoughts I shut my brain off and remind myself I don’t have to know… which in itself makes me feel lazy. Ugh! Around, and around and around in circles my brain goes, without any answers.
This is not the only thing. I’ve also become very irritable lately, and grumpy… and wishing for solitude. I understand it now when adults always talk about “Teenage Years” in a groaning undertone, like the worst thing ever. It’s like it snuck up on me in the middle of the night. I swore to myself that I’d never become an annoying, angry teenager, that I’d never feel that way… But… I DO! My mom’s pointed out that this time in my life I’ll be noticing a lot more issues I have with Her and my Dad… and I have! And it makes me feel disrespectful and completely disloyal. I’ve always looked up, so high, to my parents. They were my queen and king, and now, I feel equal. The Balance has been violently thrown off, the weights swaying back and forth uncertainly.
It scares me to think that I’m coming to the age where I don’t have to ask for permission any more, just approval. My life is in my own hands, and that’s scary to think about. Of course, the reasonable part of me says that “It’s only scary if you think it, and make it”. This I know to be true… but I guess I choose to make it scary, when it could be a breeze.
I feel like not only Age, but Growing up, have both caught up and are ready to gang up on me. *makes dying noises*
Emotionally and Physically a teenager… it stinks! But, on the other hand, it’s only just begun and I have no clue what new possibilities lie in wait for me. *fingers crossed* Please may they be good!