Here is my satire on Shakespeare's play "The Taming of the Shrew." If it seems really strange just remember it's a satire ;-)

Lucentio Meets Love in Padua

Two figures approach Padua silhouetted against the setting sun. The one a dignified, well-proportioned dog, the other, ridding atop the dog’s back, an elegant, exquisitely-preened, young rooster. With an affectionate glance down at his companion, Tranio, Lucentio, the rooster, joyfully crows,

“my trusty servant well approv’d in all—here let us breath and haply institute a course of learning and ingenious studies.”

Immediately upon entering the town, the two travelers find themselves amidst a throng of other beasts. A large, molting turkey, of the name Baptista, gobbles resolutely at a flock of creatures around him but is only accosted by an outburst of screeches, quacks, and baahs. His two daughters, Katherina and Bianca, stand by. Bianca, a young, petite chicken with perfectly preened, buff-colored feathers, remains refined and dignified throughout the entire conversation. Katherina, an unusually large chicken with shocking feathers of green, red, and black, stands in the center of the conflict flapping her wings and jumping from one foot to the other screeching. Hortensio, a perfumed duck and one of Bianca’s suitors, condescendingly mutters after being buffeted by Katherina’s screeches,

“From all such devils, good Lord deliver us!”

While Bianca’s other suitor, Gremio, the decrepit, wooly, sheep, joins him with loud baahings,

“And me too, good Lord!”

Gradually the group disperses, Baptista waddling off with the freakish young chicken, Katherina, and her quiet, beautifully feathered sister Bianca, and Gremio hobbling off exchanging vulgar jokes about Katherina with the pompous duck, Hortensio.

The two travelers are left to themselves and Lucentio dizzily drops off Tranio’s hairy back with his comb shinning bright red and his chest-feathers fluffed with passion. He crewns,

“Tranio, I burn! I pine, I perish, Tranio, if I achieve not this young, modest hen.”

With a dog’s understanding eyes, Tranio replies,

“Master, it is not time to chide you now; affection is not rated [driven] from the heart.”

Sadly baying, Tranio then relates what the cock neglected to comprehend on account of his rush of passion.

“Thus it stands: her elder sister is so curst and shrewd that till the father rid his wings of her, master, your love must live a chick at home.”

Struck deeply with sorrow, the cock deflates, letting his feathers subside to their usual height. Suddenly Tranio’s tail wags, and Lucentio leaps several feet into the air—all exuberance back. With barks and crows the two settle upon a fool-proof plan of swapping their status—Lucentio will become a poor tutor to instruct Bianca while Tranio shall take Lucentio’s name and play a nobleman.

Lucentio cries with enthusiasm, “’Tis hatch’d [a colloquial phrase used mostly by birds] and shall be so.”

After this Lucentio lies exuberantly to a puppy named Biondello, another of his servants, ensuring that he will not reveal their deception. Then, with a conceited air hinting at his own superior intellect, Lucentio orders Tranio to join Gremio and Hortensio as suitors to Bianca.

“If thou ask why, sufficeth my reasons are both good and weighty [Lucentio is under the false impression that dogs see only heavy and large things as important.]”

With a majestic hop onto Tranio’s back the two walk off together.

Petruchio Makes His Enterance

Petruchio, an extravagantly feathered fowl with glittering green tail-plumage, gold and black streaked wings, green, ruffled, long-feathered kneck, and the reddest comb in all of Italy appears riding atop a preposterous mongrel of a dog named Grumio. Through the streets of Padua they march in search of Hortensio’s pond-side abode.

After a small misunderstanding between rooster and mutt, which reveals Petruchio’s roguish temper and Grumio’s stubborn stupidity, the two receive a gallant welcome from Hortensio. With a fowl’s curiosity Hortensio asks,

“And tell me sweet friend, what gale blows you to Padua here from old Verona?”

Purposefully misunderstanding him and showing that he is not so weak as to be blown around by any gale against his will, Petruchio replies:

“Such wind as scatters young cocks through the world to seek their fortunes farther than at home.”

Then, bluntly, Petruchio explains that his father has died leaving him in possession of much wealth, and that he has arrived,

“To happily wive and thrive as best I may.”

With a confidential waddle closer to his ear, Hortensio quacks the name of Katherina, calling her a shrewd, ill-favored hen in the possession of a great sum of money. After explaining that being “shrewd” does not have any relation to having little shrews perpetually around your feet, Petruchio accepts the suggestion with much excitement squawking,

“I come to wive it wealthily in Padua; if wealthily, then happily in Padua.”

Then he further crows,

“I will board her though she chide as loud as thunder when the clouds in autumn crack.”

Delighted but ponderous, Hortensio begins to paddle listlessly in his pond while explaining his love for Bianca and her caged state until her sister’s betrothal. Then he reveals his plan to disguise himself as a music tutor for Bianca and asks Petruchio to present him to Baptista.

With various crows and baahs, Gremio and Lucentio approach. Gremio has shortsightedly selected Lucentio as tutor to Bianca with the intent of convincing her, through her tutor, to take his hoof in marriage, but he has unwittingly stumbled upon the love-bird himself. Lucentio’s only wish is to express his own love to Bianca, but he happily pretends to take up Gremio’s part. As the two cocks, duck, and sheep begin to discuss matters they are joined by a grinning dog claiming the name “Lucentio” [Tranio] who appears very pleased with himself and continually checks his desire to scratch during the conversation. Gremio becomes extremely excited over Petruchio’s daring resolve to wed Katherina and chokes disgustingly on his own saliva while Petruchio puffs his plumage with pride, equaling a small turkey. Tranio gains recognition as Bianca’s suitor, only by his patient, convincing humor, and the five animals part as friends

Wedding Talk and a Fowl Meeting

Loud clucking issues from the Minola barnhold [household] early the next morning. Katherina, with wings flapping ominously, approaches Bianca, who cowers with her shapely wings ruffled in defense. Then, with a conniving coo, Bianca exemplifies her own composure and enflames Katherina’s bitter jealousy. As Katherina slaps her wing across Bianca’s dainty head Baptista waddles up coughing asthmatically and gobbling rebukes. With little gasping breaths Bianca trips to her father who gently wraps a large musty wing around her. At this Katherina visibly droops and moans,

“What, will you not suffer me? Nay now I see she is your treasure, she must have a husband. I must dance feather-bare [older, unmarried chickens were pecked at by other chickens to show their disgrace] on her wedding day.”

As Katherina flies off to the hayloft and Bianca gracefully steps into the room adjoining, a loud, “cock a doodle e do!” rings through the barn and Baptista waddles into the barnyard where a large rooster of shocking appearance prepares another crow. Accompanying him appears a bedraggled sheep, a strikingly well-proportioned rooster with a book slung across his chest, a muddy duck with a harmonica sticking out of his bill, and a foolishly grinning dog—who upon seeing him, returns his lulling tongue to its appropriate position.

Immediately, Petruchio introduces himself as a suitor to Katherina with cock-eyed praise of her renowned looks and pleasant temper. Then with a sweep of his wing he introduces the duck as a music tutor for Bianca of the name “Litio [Hortensio in disguise]” accompanied by fervent duck-nods. Looking woolly and pleased, Gremio introduces “Cambio [Lucentio in disguise]” as another tutor for Bianca. Finally, Tranio ambles forward warmly introducing himself as Lucentio, a suitor to Bianca.

After these introductions Petruchio brusquely struts about the yard settling marriage proposals with the cross-eyed, but satisfied, turkey.

As Petruchio prepares to enter Katherina’s hayloft, Hortensio falls dizzily out with a large bump across his head, and babbles about Katherina throwing his harmonica at him. Undaunted, Petruchio struts forward with confident stride.

Comfortably flapping his roguish wings Petruchio greets Katherina by the name, “Kate,” and flies up to the rafters of the hayloft while clucking shamefully familiar complements inappropriate for a first meeting and announcing his plans for their marriage.

“You are call’d fluffy Kate, and clucky Kate, and sometimes Kate the shrieker. But Kate, the prettiest Kate in Chickendom, Kate of Kate-barn, my super-dainty Kate…Myself am mov’d to woo thee for a mate.”

This demeaning familiarity enrages Katherina and she squawks an assortment of insults but follows him up to the rafters. Soon they are bantering back and forth. Katherina’s temper quickly rises as Petruchio appears utterly undaunted by her threats and insults and only pleasantly coaxes her to give up the game. In a disjointed frenzy Katherina suddenly slaps a wing across Petruchio’s comb-gilded head, and at this, Petruchio calmly places a talon across her wing eyeing her sideways with cool authority. Then he darkly clucks,

“I swear I’ll cuff [to violently cause a fowl to fall from his perch] you if you strike again.”

Quickly breathing and impressed, Katherina stares solemnly back before regaining her wits and continuing her flow of insults. Petruchio dubs himself,

“A combless [non-aggressive] cock, so Kate will be my hen.”

To which Katherina replies,

“No cock of mine; you crow to much like a craven [a defeated fighting-cock].”

Petruchio cries back,

“Nay, come, Kate, come; you must not look so sour.”

Later, when her squawking subsides, Petruchio clucks indulgently about her grace and beauty and pronounces that,

“Thou must be married to no other cock but me, for I am he am born to tame you, Kate, and bring you from a wild Kate to a Kate comfortable as other barnyard Kates.”

To which Katherina makes little attempt to thwart and even ruffles a feather or two in pride, that is, until her father approaches. At sight of him Katherina reverts to her frenzied, self-pitying squawking and screeches upon hearing Petruchio jauntily crow that their marriage will occur on Sunday next,

“I’ll see thee roasted on Sunday first!”

Unconcernedly Petruchio boasts of Katherina’s cooing affection during their private meeting and crows as a parting salute,

“Peck me Kate, we’ll be married a’Sunday.”

Katherina flies off furiously.

Baptista gleefully proposes marriage talk for Bianca because Petruchio has claimed Katherina so cockfully [manfully]. At this Gremio stumbles into a wall in excitement and Tranio forgets himself and wags his tail enthusiastically. Turkey, sheep, and dog all trot into a private horse stall, and discuss their prospective proposals. Gremio blandly bleats about all his fine wealth including a great many ewers [servant ewes] to lave [wash] her dainty wing. Tranio cocks his head apprehensively at the list of goods while waiting his turn and then, deciding to air on the generous side, pronounces that he has three or four barns as good as Gremio’s. Gremio baahs back that he will include a large goat cart. Bored and annoyed at the coughing sheep and cross-eyed turkey, Tranio distractedly replies that he has seventeen carts to include in the bargain. Then, as an after thought, to ensure the closure of the meeting, he adds to Gremio,

“And Twice as much whate’er thou off’rest next.”

Grouchy baahs and delighted gobbles ensue as Tranio wins fair Bianca for his master.

To be continued.....