Chapter Seven (REWRITE VERSION!)

Matt was charming, and every day I felt myself fall more and more in love with him. I couldn’t help it. There was no reason in the world why I should love him: he was irresponsible and not always a genius, and sometimes he did things that should have annoyed me to no end. At first it was something that I vehemently rebelled against: after all, I didn’t fall in love. Ever. It just wasn’t something I did. But it came to the point where I could think of nothing else. I had trouble focusing in my classes; I thought of him anytime, anywhere.

But I should have guessed that it was not my destiny to have a fairy-tale romance. Something I never expected happened. Something I should have seen from miles and miles away, but still, never expected.

After that night that Bethany and I talked, she changed somehow. She started following Matt around constantly. Especially if I was with him, it was as if I threatened her every time I was with him. She pushed and shoved her way into anything when he was there. Volume seemed to be her tactic. This was not the Bethany I knew: the one who was fun to be around. Ditzy, granted, but more genuine than this, and certainly more fun. I felt betrayed by her.

But she won. Of course she won! I was the girl who didn’t date: I’d never had a boyfriend, I didn’t flirt with anyone. She was pretty, and she wasn’t awkward like I was. I realized that she was everything that I could never be. And it was a bitter moment when I discovered that flattery and flirtation is actually what some people value most.

I loved him. Couldn’t he see that? No, the answer was obviously no.

Everyday I heard about how happy Bethany was, and it ate me up. It wasn’t that I didn’t want Bethany to be happy. I did want her to be! I wanted to like Bethany, I wanted to like her so badly. And that ate me up, too. I felt like an awful, fickle friend to her, who could be so selfish.

But I still loved him. Even though he loved someone else. Why shouldn’t he love someone else? But I still loved him.

I always imagined that when I fell in love it would be perfect. We would both adore each other, and everything would be wonderful. But love wasn’t like that. I certainly never imagined that I would be one of those girls who fell in love with a guy who didn’t care about them! I would rather not be in love at all!

I found myself aching for time to pass. They say that time heals all wounds, so I was just urging it to pass already and get it over with. In the meantime I cried all night and looked like death all day, stumbling through my classes, killing myself to still get A’s in my classes. I don’t know what kept me from letting my grades drop: I think I kept them high out of habit and an instinctive feeling that nothing so strongly resembling a soap opera would keep me down.

I laughed at the irony of these feelings as I looked at my puffy eyes in the mirror on a Tuesday morning. Tuesday mornings meant math and choir, which meant misery. I didn’t even know before that people’s eyes did get puffy when they cried all night. Actually, I didn’t know that it was possible to cry all night. I thought it was something you only read about heroines doing in novels. But I was not a heroine.

I wanted to go home, but I didn’t at the same time. I wouldn’t be happier at home, but at least I’d be away from here. Even crying on Mom’s shoulder didn’t sound comforting. There was nothing that sounded comforting.

I was quite aware how pathetic I was. I told myself everyday how pathetic I was, but it didn’t make any difference, in fact, I usually just reacted to my scolding by crying more.

People asked me all the time what was wrong, and I always answered that it didn’t matter. I wanted to tell about my unhappiness, but at the same time, I didn’t. It was embarrassing. There were a couple of my friends who knew, and sometimes I wished they didn’t know. I suppose it may have been a matter of pride.

The most awful thing was that I thought Bethany knew. Above all, I didn’t want Bethany to know. But if she knew, she concealed it well. No, she probably didn’t know. Some people are unbelievably oblivious.

My thoughts were erratic and nonsensical. I contradicted myself constantly, and nothing I said was happy. I kept waiting for that elusive moment when time had gone by, but it never came. I wasn’t sure I could ever forget about those sleepless nights and listless days. I wallowed in my unhappiness.

Finally, school was over and it was time to go home.